Post Christmas News

1. If I post two more times this year, I will have equaled my most prolific year as a blogger. I don't think I am going to make it, but I am rather proud of myself for not letting my blog die.

2. It snowed a week too early. I was hoping for a snowstorm next weekend so that the first few days bck to school would be canceled.

3. Thomas and I got a 24-hour stomach bug from my nephew. Kids - getting you sick all the time, really now. But we are getting better now, and really don't begrudge the adorable baby for being sick before us.

4. I received quite a few lovely gifts for Christmas, including a waffle maker from my husband and lots of Twizzlers.

5. It is sunny today and supposed to get up to 47 degrees this weekend which could seriously ruin any opportunity to go ice-skating this year. The flux in temperature rots the ice and makes it nasty to skate on, as well as unsafe. It is times like these that I really miss living only a walk away from a pond.

6. I have lots of things on my to-do list, but I don't feel like doing any of them. I could blame it on being sick yesterday, but I think it has more with feeling generally lazy.

7. Our dryer squeaking and sometimes squealing annoyingly loud whenever I run it. Therefore I don't use it until we can get it fixed. Therefore, the amount of laundry that I can do is limited to the amount I can dry on a drying rack. Therefore, I have piles and piles of laundry. I am guessing about five loads.

8. I read a WORLD magazine yesterday, and did not get annoyed with every article. In fact I valued the difference in opinion from my other news sources NPR (via my husband) and BBC.

9. There are lots of really cheesy Christmas stories out there, but there are also a few really good ones. Some of the cheesy ones are "Pegusus and the Star" and "The Year Santa Went Modern." However, some of my favorites are, "The Year of the Perfect Christmas Tree" by Gloria Houston, illustrated by Barbara Cooney; "The 24 Days Before Christmas" by Madeline L'Engle; and "I Saw Three Ships" by Elizabeth Goudge.

10. Thomas' Christmas gift just arrived.

Christmas Programs

Sunday night our church had their Christmas program. Daddy pulled together all the music within the month, so I played my flute in a makeshift "orchestra," Thomas and I sang a duet, and we also were part of the choir. The orchestra was two flutes, five violins, an oboe, and a trumpet. We played an introduction, then accompanied the congregation while they sang "Hark the Herald Angels." I am glad we were accompanying them, because then they were not listening too hard to us. For only practicing once together, it was not so bad; but, well, we did only practice once together.

Thomas and I sang, "Lo How a Rose." I sang the first verse, Thomas the second, then we sang in parts on the last verse. Everyone loved hearing Thomas sing again. He sang two Christmases ago, and whenever he sings, he gets so many compliments. One woman said that because he is so quiet, it is hard for her to get to know him; but he sings and plays the piano with such emotion, music seems to be a window into who he is.

There was another duet. Two of our friends, who are sisters, sang the Wexford Carol, with a bodhran and tambourine accompaniment. It was beautiful and their voices blended so well together. It was probably one of my favorite parts of the program.

The evening was closed by the choir singing a version of Silent Night. It is an old family favorite, so I have sung it every Christmas that I could sing, but this is the first time I sang it with a larger choir. The tenor line gets stuck in my head, but I sang first soprano and Thomas sang first bass. It reminded me how much I would love to be part of a choir that sings regularly. Maybe someday.

Tuesday night was the school Christmas program. I was dreading this one, for a long time, and for many reasons. But after all that fretting and hard work, it went all right. When I first heard about the program I thought it would be the traditional school program where each class does something and then sits down, so I said that each of my music classes could sing a song. Then I found out that those songs were all the elementary school was doing. So I felt I had to make them more impressive and joined classes together.

1st and 2nd grade sang the Cradle Hymn, also known as "Hush, My Babe, Lie Still and Slumber." It is a simple carol, but very beautiful. I was going to see if I could borrow a baby and they would sing to him, but I forgot.

Kindergarten and 3rd and 4th grade sang, "Away in the Manger." The Kindergarteners did the motions and were adorable, of course, and the 3rd and 4th graders sang very nicely.

The Kindergarteners left and the 5th and 6th graders came up and joined 3rd and 4th grade. Together they sang "Jubelate Deo," an old Latin round. I don't have music for it, but my daddy taught it to me as a child, and I teach it to all my music classes. When sung properly, it sounds like bells. They almost did it that well. They sang with energy and they kept their parts. I was so proud of them.

Then the 5th and 6th graders left and the 3rd and 4th graders sang "Silent Night" with the 7th and 8th graders. There was supposed to be a descant, but we didn't learn it all because I kept missing their music class due to various things, and because we spent more time working on "Dona Nobis Pacem." However, it sounded very nice, and the 3rd and 4th graders could go sit down. They are my best group of singers, which is why I had so many groups sing with them.

The 5th and 6th grade then joined the 7th and 8th graders for "Dona Nobis Pacem." After many experiments, we go this to sound pretty good. In the afternoon, I had worked with the 7th and 8th graders and had gotten it to the point where they could sing their part next to a completely separate voice part. And I had some non-singers, singing their part! And they did it for the concert too. I was so impressed. It wasn't amazing from a objective point of view, but it was very good, and they had every right to be proud of themselves.

The high school and Tone Chimes finished the musical parts of the program until the last songs, when the entire school came onto the stage and sang "Joy to the World" and "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." I got to arrange all the little kiddies on the stage, and share my  music with them. They were adorable. I love my students!

Even though we had two Christmas programs, it was so much less stressful than previous years. We still put of Christmas shopping though. That will be tonight's special thing.

Christmas Musings

I recently realized that I share a lot about the things I am thinking about, and the happy things I experience, but I hide most of my painful thoughts and experiences. I don't want to convey the idea that I am miserable all the time, so I have to act happy, even when I don't feel it. I don't want anyone to know how much pain I feel because I am afraid - afraid that they will be afraid of hurting me - so I have to act strong.

*********
It has been hard to think about Christmas this year.

I hear the angel say, "Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God," and I think "Some favor...putting the girl through rejection, near divorce, and ruin her reputation."
I think of the baby in the manger and wonder did she know that the pain she just endured would be nothing to the pain he would bring her until the day he died.
But then I remember the children that Herod killed trying to get baby Jesus, and I think, Maybe that part of the story was put in for women like me.

A voice was heard in Ramah,
weeping and loud lamentation,
Rachel weeping for her children;
she refused to be comforted, because they are no more.

I am not Mary this year; I am Rachel. And I have a place in the story too. I am the part that reminds the reader that the story isn't done yet. And I am the women at the tomb. We all join together in the loneliness of mourning, refusing to be comforted because the ones we love are no more.

*******
An angel speaks to these women too. He says "Do not be afraid, He is risen, just as he said. Go and tell his disciples..." Do not be afraid! They are the same words he spoke to Mary. And he gave a command. My command is not a passive command, like Mary's; mine is a call to action. Go and tell.

You know the funny thing? My response can be the same as Mary. She knew what having a baby out of wedlock would mean for her. She understood that she would undergo hardship and pain because of this request of the Lord. And she still responded, "Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word."  And when she saw the shepherds, she "treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart."

***********
This is my favorite part of the story. And again the angel says, "Don't be afraid."

And the angel said to them, "Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of a great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger."

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,
"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!" 

Our Tree

It isn't a very good picture, but the tree is lovely. You should stop by and see it sometime.

Excellence and Good Enough

I wrote awhile ago that I want to do something excellent, to have the thrill of the knowledge of a job well done. Well, now I am in a struggle balancing out excellence and good enough.

Here is an example. There are three Latin students. One studies almost every night, does his homework regularly, and gets straight A's. One studies nightly, does his homework, and fails his tests. The other one doesn't study, turns in every assignment late, and fails his tests. The first, though he can improve, seems to be pursuing excellence. He wants to learn and does what is needed to learn. The last one seems to be a lazy bum because he doesn't like languages. He can do the work, but it isn't the most enjoyable thing, so he puts it off.

The middle student is where I get caught. He wants to do well in the class; he does what is required of him, and yet you cannot say that his work is excellent. It would even be difficult to say he is pursuing excellence. But because he is doing his best, his work is good enough, and therefore satisfactory?

Stepping back from the specific example, a bigger question can be asked. How do we hang on to and hold out excellent work without discouraging those who work hard but are not excellent? It is especially difficult in an educational environment, where we expect excellent results, but the students are still in the process of learning what is good and how to get there.

Something one of the actors I once worked with said comes to mind, "Sharing our work at this stage of completion." She understood that work, especially works of art, can always be worked on more, but sometimes we have to stop and share our work, "at this stage of completion." By stating it that way, the pressure to be excellent was off and she handed me the freedom to make a mistake. Was she not in a way helping me to pursue my fullest ability?

Now for the tricky part. How can I give that freedom to my students? How can I tell them, and their parents, that if they are doing their best, failing is good enough? And then how can I tell my music students that they cannot sing in a concert because they aren't good enough? How do I hold out excellence, and still give them the freedom to do their best without fear of failure?

Thankfuls

December 1 is a good time to list thankfuls, even if it is almost a week after Thanksgiving.

1. God - Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The more I understand, the more I am left wondering. Even though the Bible says God is light and in Him there is no darkness, I have been very encouraged by the analogy Thomas I read about knowing God being like walking in the dark. When it is dark, we stay in the circle of light; and when we go through dark times in our life, we cling to the parts of God that we know. And just like the beam of a flashlight shows us glimpses of things outside the immediate glow, God shows us glimpses of himself if we will look for them.

2. Thomas. I know that my husband is a theme of my blog, but he really is the second best thing in my life. Because of him, I understand God better, myself better, and the world better. I love learning how I can be a better wife to him - someone that his just right for him.

3. My family. My immediate family, my in-laws, my extended family on both sides. I am so blessed to have this circle of people who love me, not based on what I do, but simply because I am related to them. The fact that we get along great is just an added benefit. Daddy pointed out at Thanksgiving, how many generations of people who were passionate about God has benefited him, his children, and now his grandchild. It is exciting to see, and a blessing to experience.
3a. My mom and my sister. If I have a problem, these are the two people I think of going to first. And I am blessed to know that they come to me with problems too. And then, we often end up pointing each other to our brother, Jesus Christ.
3b. My mother-in-law and sisters-in-law. How can I express the comfort they have been, especially this year. From phone calls to birthday cards to emails, they have made my life better.
3c. My nephew. The most adorable baby ever!

4. My friends. The list would be too long, and I would feel terrible if I didn't think of someone just because I was put on the spot, but I have been so blessed by many people throughout this year.

Now for some more, not unimportant, but with less explanation.
Health, safety, a house, a car, my computer, the internet, sewing, flowers, the sky, the ocean, ok pretty much all the creation, stories - in pretty much any form - books, movies, music, etc., sweaters, shoes, birthday cards, and unbirthday cards, candles, chocolate, pumpkin pie, herbal tea, a job...

I keep looking up and there are more things to be thankful for. Fireplaces with fires in them, trees, rocking chairs... I must stop listing them here, but wherever I turn my eyes I am filled with thanksgiving.

El Clasico

At 2:55 the game cast started. The game is 90 minutes long with a 15 minute halftime. We had to leave at 4:30 to get to our chiropractor appointment. I would not be able to see the end of the game, but would it really matter?

Within the first 20 minutes, the home team was ahead. Within the next 20 minutes, although there were no more goals, there were four red cards and a tussle. By the end of the first half, things looked grim for the away team.

The second half didn't start much better for them. Two goals for the home team, and two yellow cards for the away team came within the next 20 minutes. Before I left around 74 minutes, the away team had three more bookings, all for hard tackles. And the home team was playing circles around them. They looked completely helpless. They were down 4-0 with no real promise for getting any better.

As I shut my computer, I was both dreading to look at it when we got back and anticipating the result. Although I was distracted by wondering the result of the game, I managed to enjoy our dinner at a local restaurant before going home. If the scoreline had been different before I left, I might have been slightly more anxious. It was entirely possible for the visitors to pull back a goal or two, but I feared it was more likely that the home team get at least one more goal.

Thomas watched the last 20 minutes of the game with me. If it had been terrible before, it only got worse. Another goal, another yellow card, tempers flared, and a red card was shown right at the end of the match. The away team had deserved everything they got, and after resting at the top of the league, had been severely beaten by their historic rivals.

I was bummed, but I was also reminded why I like my team, and why I don't like the other team, even if they are the best team in the world at the present moment. Maybe the team I support lost the game, and lost their tempers, but at least they don't rub their skills or their victory in their opponent's face. Although they are not on the top of the League, played terribly, and had plenty of moments that I am sure they will regret, I still say Hala Madrid!

I did it!

My story is not done yet, but I have completed the required amount of words. 50,000 words in one month, that is approximately 74 pages.

I will blog more about other things later.

Picture to celebrate the day

This day, five years ago, I was getting married to my amazing husband!

We were very young then, and very in love.

Fortunately that love just kept growing. 

It is nice to know that we love each other more now that we did when we first got married. 

After three years of courting/dating we decided to take the plunge, and fortunately didn't get cold feet.

But today doesn't celebrate that day as much about something we did five years ago, 

but what Thomas and I have been doing for the past five years. 

 

We have been learning to love each other, and learning to love others together. 

How to work together and how to coordinate our outfits.

And what a wonderful time it has been.

Words

Words, words, words, words.
We read them, write them
Hear them, say them,
Think them.

Words, words, words, words
Even sounds are turned into words,
Buzz, hum, rattle, pow
Slap

But a picture is worth
A thousand words
And music speaks to the soul
And sometimes words are better
Unsaid

Excellence

I want to create something beautiful. I am writing a novel, I sing, I altered a dress, I made delicious omelets, but I want to make something beautiful. Or perhaps I want to know the freedom of a job well done. One where when I am done, I am satisfied that it was all it was supposed to be and the best I could make it. It has been a long time since that has happened.

Recently it seems that I am just making it by. Things are good, but not as good as they could be or as good as I want them to be. I want excellence, beauty, perfection, but I just get good. It is like getting second place, or honorable mention. If I was just a little better, then I could have won...

I would really like to do something that was excellent and interesting. Maybe I should get out my camera, or take a break from my novel and sew something. Maybe I should get out my paints, or pick up Thomas' guitar.

Or maybe I should stick with the three goals for November - novel, exercise, and Spanish - and make them be excellent. I know if I work hard, I could do better. Perhaps the problem is not my task, but the amount of effort I am putting into my task. I get distracted or lazy and know that I can get by with less then the best, so why work harder. But then I get dissatisfied and frustrated because it wasn't as good as it could be.

All those Proverbs about laziness and sloth - Solomon knew what he was talking about. It feels good to work hard and know that it was done well, even if it isn't appreciated. (I don't know what to do about the times I, or my students, work hard, but the job isn't well done, or isn't good enough, but that is a ramble for another time.)

So I want to do something excellent. Why not? Is it really an impossibility? Am I unable to do things well or work hard at something? Of course not, let's get working!

NaNoWriMo

I feel like I wrote all day. I know I didn't. In fact I only wrote about 4 hours, if that. But the day was focused around those four hours. Now it is almost midnight and the number of words that I need to write will jump from 10000 to 11,669. And I will need to write again. No chance to really bask in the delight of reaching a word limit - at least not until the end of the month. Then it will be too overwhelming to even want to think about going back through and editing it. I am learning things though.

I am learning that writing a novel is a very different style of writing than short stories or descriptive paragraphs or reports or blogs.

I am learning that taking a break means getting away from the computer, and house cleaning is more than a job, it is a necessity to keep sanity.

I am learning that although it is crazy, this is fun. I am enjoying writing down the stories that go through my head and making them actually work, rather than getting stuck or never finishing them because they are just in my head.

I am learning that hot chocolate, tea, and other warm beverages are very inspiring, as are candles, blankets, and music. My current favorite writing music is "The New World" soundtrack. It isn't so busy that it distracts me, but it provides enough atmosphere that I can concentrate. However, my earbuds are about to drive me crazy. They are they type that are spring-loaded so they will wrap up and store nicely. Unfortunately, they like to wrap up while I am using them, which then either creates tension on my ears, or makes them pop out of my ears.

I am learning that it is time for bed and when one's brain shuts off, it is best to just let it, and go to sleep.

News

Last Friday a friend asked, why are you so busy? And I realized I don't know what has kept me so busy the past week, but it has felt really crazy. Now November is hear and I never got in my last October post.

1. NaNoWriMo has begun. This year, both Thomas and I are participating.

2. I have volunteered to oversee the a high school newspaper and it has been a lot of work. So we are reworking they way it is going to be done, which means more work, but of a different sort. I think it will be better for the kids though.

3. It takes time to learn a language, and practice. My Spanish is coming so slowly. But I was able to describe my family in Spanish to my friend.

4. We have been watching the World Series (except Game 3 because we went to a choral concert that night because my husband is a very sweet man). I am discovering that baseball isn't as boring as I previously thought. But I still like soccer better.

5. I missed watching all the soccer games I wanted to this weekend because of a missions conference at our church, a NaNoWriMo get-together, and the choral concert. But I did watch one of the MLS play-off games (LA Galaxy vs. Seattle Sounders) on my computer while watching the World Series on the TV. You'd think we are sports people, but I don't think I would quite put myself in that category yet. I think it was more like a last fling before we have to write 2,000 words everyday.

6. A week from today was my due date. It has been bumming me out the past few days. I guess one of the blessings of busyness is that there isn't much time to think. But then when I stop for a moment, it all comes back.

7. I am trying to train my inner critic to be charitable, especially toward others, but toward myself too. The thought of writing this month is scary because I "know" that I can't really write well or tell a good story. Others have always been better than me at that. I think in plays not in novels. But I am going to try all the same, and prove myself wrong.

8. Today I have laundry to finish, dishes to wash, a dress to alter, plants to get ready for winter, lesson plans to write, and journalism to research as well as my 2,000 words.

9. Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

10. I wish I lived more out of what was true and less out of what I feel. It is true that I am a new creation in Jesus Christ, but I feel like being lazy. It is true that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, but I feel like I am unable to do those things I really want to be able to do. But what I feel doesn't change what is true. I guess that is what Faith is for - believe in what I do not see.

Birthday Food

I am liking food right now. Of course there is still food that I don't like, such as shrimp and various fishes especially of the raw variety, but after a meal of such delight, I like food very much.

We started with some water and a glass of Merlot, as we talk about the day and and previous conversations. Thomas ordered for both of us, and knew just what I wanted (partly because I told him, and partly because he knows me that well). Soon we enjoyed some stuffed mushrooms and mozzarella marinara; at least, Thomas enjoyed both things. I stuck with the mozzarella; mushrooms stuffed with crab fit into the category of things I don't particularly like due to the funky texture. But I will take Thomas' word for it, and say they were delicious. While we were finishing up those things, our salad came out. It was a normal salad with ranch dressing, but I ate the onions because I like them and it was my birthday meal.

We had a short break to sip our wine and smile at each other before the veal parmigiana came out. We split the entree, but even then I wasn't able to completely finish my portion. It will make a pleasant lunch on Wednesday. We had angel-hair pasta and garlic knots to accompany such goodness, and laughed over the name angel-hair as Thomas mentioned Lorne. Thomas is much more handsome that Angel and much less creepy, mostly because he is not 200-something years old and isn't nearly as moody. The veal parmigiana was covered with cheese and tomato sauce, so of course we were going to have cheesy conversation.

As we let our meal settle, we decided that would would indeed have enough room for our dessert. This dessert was the reason we went to that particular restaurant. The wife of the owner makes all the desserts from scratch and they are amazing. My favorite is the tiramisu, served with hand-whipped cream. I am unable to eat an entire piece myself, but had just enough splitting it with Thomas. Such delightful goodness - all the wonderful flavors melting together in my mouth.

Because I didn't finish my entree, I had just enough to make me pleasantly full, but not overstuffed. Unfortunately, because of the coffee in the tiramisu, I might be wide awake for a while longer. It could be worse, I suppose, and it was worth every bite.

Things that made my day

1. Fun dreams: I had some crazy dreams right before I woke up. One was a mystery and I didn't want to wake up until I had solved it.

2. Oatmeal for breakfast: We ran out of cereal and I don't really like oatmeal, but I added brown sugar, cinnamon and nutmeg and it was really good, especially with my cup of coffee.

3. Paul and Peter: I read Galatians 2 for devotions and found it very encouraging and convicting. I haven't really meditated on that passage before, but as I did today, the passion for the gospel let Paul confront Peter, but not condemn him. I think there is a lesson to be learned on both sides of the issue, but whether I am being confronted, or confronting someone, a love for the gospel needs to be the most important thing. Paul points out how the issue is being perceived, why it is wrong, but then identifies himself as needing Jesus just as much as Peter, who is the one he is confronting. There was too much to summarize anymore.

4. Various phone calls made and received: I have a great family and some wonderful friends too, and I am slowly overcoming my fear of making phone calls...

5. Soccer Game: I watched a replay of Germany vs Kazakhstan while I folded laundry and ate lunch. I really enjoyed the game, and the commentators were really good too. They talked not only about the technical aspects of the game, but how managers motivate and encourage players during the game. It helped that two of the Germany players also play for Real Madrid. (numbers 6 & 8 in the picture)

6. I just read and watch some things about the Chilean miners' rescue. Pretty amazing stuff going on there. Very encouraging.

7. Getting lots done, but lots more to do. Maybe during Spanish today we will make cookies, since I haven't done that yet and needs to before tomorrow.

8. Guests tonight: I am a little nervous but also kind of excited about having our pastoral candidate and his family have dinner with us.

9. Chocolate: Because we don't have anymore cookies, I had some amazing chocolate after lunch. (Oh, I should think about dessert for my guests...) Lindt 70% dark chocolate, I think. Yum! The 65% (I think) was also amazing. I love the way good chocolate melts in your mouth slowly, but doesn't get sticky and mushy too fast. Happiness!

10. My favorite thing on the earth: Thomas. What more can I say?

Pirate Party

Saturday was our latest pirate party. This time we went out to my parents house so we could have more people and a slightly more kid-friendly environment. We had a few new people, besides my family, so that was lots of fun too. Sometimes I wish that we could just invite tons and tons of people because it would be fun to see everybody dress up like pirates and try their hands at feats of skill and danger. The kids that we have right now are just a little too young to have things for them to do besides play around, but next year we will have to plan things for them to do too.

Since it was over dinner, I made a potato stew and everyone else brought things to share. I also made a cake decorated like a pirate flag. The stew was an adventure because I had never made stew for that many people before. I didn't know precise quantities or how long it would take to cook, but it turned out delicious and was ready on time.

The chocolate cake with chocolate icing was an adventure too. Baking the cake was easy, but I had trouble getting the cake out of the pan. I had greased and floured the pan like you are supposed to, but it didn't want to come out. Eventually it did flop out, but left the bottom layer in the pan. I then made some icing... I think from now on, I will buy icing. It didn't turn out very well. You may ask, "how can you ruin icing? It is the easiest thing to make." Well, I found a way to mess it all up. It wouldn't spread, so I ended up piecing it with my fingers like fondant. The white decoration was easy though, and everyone thought it looked good too. And Thomas said it tasted wonderful, and that was what mattered the most.

We tried a few games. The worst one was trying to push someone off a plank into the ocean, but it turned out to be too easy. We had a three-legged race, which Mom and Dad won. They were amazing, and really cute too. Kate and I did really well, and I think we tied for second with another pair of girls. The boys...did fine, and it was fun watching them fall down, trip over each other, mess-up timing and loose the race. hehehe The final game was the human knot. It was a little awkward, but I enjoyed it all the same, but we couldn't completely untie ourselves because we were in two circles completely mixed up. Once one of the circles got solved and let go, then the other circle was easily solved.

We didn't get any group pictures, but I tried to get at least one picture of everybody. When I get them developed I will share them. The only downside to such fun is that baby pirates need to get to bed, so these fun times can't go on as long as they used to. Also, we had to clean the house because Mom was having guests the next day. But I hope everyone had fun. I know I did.

What I need to hear

I need to hear the gospel again.

Today was a crazy day. I didn't really get a break because students didn't do their work, so I had to make sure it got done because I can't fail or fire them from a student newspaper. I had to set up for music classes, give a Latin test, correct books, find a costume, catch a ride, go to a voice lesson, and make supper. I did have a little bit of time between school and voice, so I began reading a book at Thomas' work. And since supper I have had a break. But it was still a crazy day and I feel like I didn't do anything profitable, but merely existed.

Therefore I am dissatisfied with myself, with my world, with my job, with my students, and with my day. I know in my head I did good things. I showed my older students that their work affects others and their lack of work hurts others. And though it inconvenienced me, that doesn't really change the fact that I love them. And it won't change the way I treat them, it just means I am going to insist they do the work, maybe earlier next time. I also gave my younger students hugs and smiled at them and sang to them, even though they were the wiggliest I have ever seen them, and some were about to drive me to distraction. I found a dress that might be able to be altered for a costume sewing project I might take on this month. I spent some good time with Thomas, and I sang freely with my voice teacher.

I know there are no good reasons to be dissatisfied with everything. I know my feelings not based in fact or reason, but probably more in the rain weather and hormones. But I feel them all the same and it is making me grumpy and froggish.

When I was in highschool, Daddy gave me a little essay thing about feeling froggish - like a blob of worthless life. But in fairy tales, frogs get kissed and turned into handsome princes. The writer then asked, "what is the job of the church? To kiss frogs, of course." To find those feeling froggish and remind them of who they really are - who God made them to be. Well today I am the frog and I need those reminders. I need to hear the gospel.

The gospel that states God loves me with a love that is not based on what I do, but on who I am. He loves me because I am his baby girl, his daughter, his precious princess. He loves me in spite of my grumpiness and pouting, and reaches out to me even when I don't want to talk. I am too valuable to him to let myself get in the way of our relationship. How do I know he loves me this much? even when it doesn't feel like love? even when I am grumpy? even when I can't understand?

I know that Jesus loves me, because the Bible tells me how Jesus Christ, God's Son, became a human being like me, but unlike me because he was perfect and did nothing wrong. But he used his perfection, not to make people feel dumb, but to show them what perfect love felt like. Then, before God, he took all the nasty things that people did, and died for them, letting them have his perfection. He took my grumpiness and froggishness and apathy and died for them, letting me stand in perfection. And then he rose again giving me his hope, joy, peace, and love. That's how much he loves me.

And that is what I need to hear, again and again and again.

Hola

Hola, mi nobre es "Rosalind." Yo soy de Estades Unidos. Yo estudio espanol con mi amiga de Peru porque deseo hablar con muchas mas gente. Yo enseno Latin y musica en la escuela donde su hijo de mi amiga estudia. Yo deseo viajar a Espania, Peru, y Paraguay cuando habla espanol.

I am learning, though it did take me a long time to write that...

"All this fresh air is getting into my lungs."

When she opened the window that morning, she didn't expect it to completely change her life. It was a simple, thoughtless action, but it set in motion the events of the day. Perhaps the most unexpected part was that nothing happened. Well, nothing, except sounds.

There were the most obvious sounds, the cars driving past and the various people on the street and about town. The train whistle sounded throughout the afternoon and dogs barked from time to time. Occasionally an extra loud truck started or a motorcycle roared past. But in the left over time, there were the quiet sounds. The sound of wind shaking the leaves on her neighbors trees and the wind-chimes next door and the "cheep-cheep" of the bird on her porch would have been unnoticed, except the window was open.

The window was open and the sounds confronted the silence of her house. She dreaded to break it with the vacuum cleaner. She just listened and dreamed. Once the dishes were done, the open window called to her again. Again she had to rip herself away from it and accomplish other tasks. But she kept finding herself being pulled back to the open window and the sounds of the wind.

Esperar - to hope, to expect

In response to a conversation with my sister, and my sister-in-law's poem.

When the world is so empty
And falling apart
The things that are strong stay the same

When going gets tough
And the tough get going
There not really a place for the pain

The little things crumble
The weak ones break
And those that can fly away

But I'm broken and hurting
And just lying here
In the middle of all of this wreck.

When a new rhythm enters my heart and my soul
And beats out a brand  new song
The pieces of life now form wind chime music
Joining in with the one note hum.

There's beauty in raindrops
There's light through the cracks
There are stars in the darkest of skies

So although not everything's right with the world
There's a hope in the One we can't see
That somewhere there's safety for those that are weak
And somewhere there's a place just for me.

CJK 9/2010

Sadness

Tuesday was my grandfather's funeral. Although we would rather different circumstances, it was good to see all my cousins again, as well as the many other relatives and family friends that came. Mom's cousin lead the services. One of the things that stuck in my brain in what he said, was that death was never meant to be part of the human experience. It isn't good; it is the consequence of sin. But because Christ died, and rose again, and promised the resurrection of all believers, death can be precious. I liked that way of thinking about it. It is bad that we have to deal with death, but it is a precious time to remember the gift of life, both our lives, and the lives of all that we love.

I was also reminded that grief never goes away. While grieving for my grandfather, I also find myself grieving again for my baby, my grandmother, my aunt, and many others who have died. So though I may be sad often, it is a precious time. A time where I can remember the beautiful lives of those I love, and am reminded to share the love that was given to me.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the first day of school.

Why is it so nerve racking this year? This is my sixth year teaching, and I am not teaching anything new. I have my lesson plans mostly worked out. I am working on the letter to parents and a monthly schedule. There are a few things for Latin I need to get figured out, and a few more stacks of music to sort. But tomorrow is it - another school year will have begun.

Perhaps it is the changes that have happened at the school. There are new administrators. I am not doing drama. Families are leaving, and others are coming. My dad and sister won't be there. I have my own classroom, where kids come to me, rather than me go to all their classrooms. I have new students.

Perhaps it is because I am re-working all my curriculum and plans from last year. There were certain parts of what I did that I really liked, but there were other parts that just didn't work. This year I am trying to figure out how to reach the goals I have, but in new ways. I am realizing my inexperience and my need to focus on the next step. And rather than working really hard at one class and letting the others slip, I am trying to keep them all balanced. As well as balancing them with the rest of life. It is overwhelming and I haven't even started yet.

Perhaps I not feeling ready because this isn't the year I had planned for myself and making plans for an entire year is kind of scary because things change very quickly. So here I am trying to plan the year, but also focus on the next step.

I need a story. A story that helps me understand how to have long- and short-term focus. A story that reminds me why I am talking each step. A story that reminds me that it will all be ok in the end.

Children of Invention

Every now and again I will encounter a trailer for an out-of-the-way movie that strikes my interest. Children of Invention was such a movie. A Chinese single mother, in trying to support herself and her two children, gets unknowingly involved in a pyramid marketing scheme - where they don't sell products, but the idea of selling products to get rich quick. She has already been evicted, and taken advantage of by vitamin marketing scheme. However, just before she gets her first paycheck in this new endeavor, the company gets busted and she is taken to jail. When she doesn't return home at night, or the next morning, the children realize something is wrong. They decide to sell some of their inventions to earn enough money to buy back their house.

That sounds like the set up to a movie, but it ended up being the entire movie. Their invention sales and conclusion of the story really only took the last 15 minutes. For the first half, the mother was the main character. But once she gets arrested, the children become the protagonists.  But their story doesn't really go anywhere, because the mother's story needs to be resolved.

Even though the story was somewhat disappointing, the characters were rather realistic. Elaine was a mother who wanted to make everything right for her children - to take care of them, to make sure they knew she loved them, to let them believe that everything will always be OK because mommy is control. Raymond was an older brother beginning to understand money struggles as well as the responsibility of taking care of a younger sister. Tina was a little girl just realizing that the world doesn't revolve around her desires and needs. And she was really cute too.

Though this isn't a movie I would recommend on film-making quality, it does have many endearing and redemptive themes. It is good to see that knowing the truth, even if it hurts, is better than believing a lie, even for a child. It is good to watch a brother understand his love and desire to protect his little sister, even when she can be a brat. It is good to see a little girl give up what she wants because she loves her mommy. And it is good to watch justice and mercy work hand in hand to not completely crush this struggling family, without making everything just work out happy-go-lucky.

However, better than the movie itself, was a short film on the DVD. The Window-breaker was similar in many ways, but the story telling was much better. It touched on deceitful businesses, racial stereotyping, and inventive children. It was fun and only 12 minutes long.

Children of Invention seemed to be a good starting point for its creators. I would be very interested in seeing what else they do. They seem to have good ideas and interesting characters, but the story-telling isn't very compelling.

More Pictures

I just got some of my film developed.

Happy Thoughts

Here are some happy thoughts for the day. I hope you enjoy them.

Don't worry.

Give and receive love.

Have fun doing ordinary things.

Take time to ponder the mysteries of the world.

I only pray when I'm in trouble

Allen Levi writes really good songs. One of his recent ones is about how things sometimes change very quickly and we aren't in control. The chorus says: "I only pray when I'm in trouble/But I'm in trouble all the time." When Thomas told me about it, I was really bummed out because life is so full of messed up people and events and places, so it took a slightly different meaning.

Sure, life doesn't go as I plan and I know things can change quickly, but the trouble I usually feel is the trouble that I make for myself. The troubles of perceived expectations (a good woman is more concerned about the welfare of her family and areas of service, then about her personal hobbies and interests) and guilt (I just spent way too much time online, or I didn't read my Bible and pray, or I didn't exercise all week, or I got angry with my husband, or...) often bother my spirit more than the lack of control on physical situations.

That means I am always in trouble, or rather I am always getting myself into trouble, or trouble is not far away at any given moment.

So what do I do? I only pray when I'm in trouble. I don't/shouldn't fret or worry or dig a hole to hide in, or run away, or distract myself. I only pray when I'm in trouble. Now I don't mean that I don't deal with the situation, but isn't prayer the first step in dealing with it? And part of the second and third and all the other steps too?

I only pray when I'm in trouble, and I'm in trouble all the time.

My Sister

I was almost nine when my baby sister was born. I had wanted a sister so very badly. Brothers were great and all, but I wanted a sister. What I remember most though was that she cried whenever I held her for a while. But as she got older, it got better and better. I got to help take care of her, go on walks, play dress-up and Playmobil, help her eat hard pears, and be there when she woke up in the night. She would crawl into my bed and cuddle in. By the morning I was so warm, I couldn't sleep, but I didn't want to move because I loved having her trust me.

Sometimes I miss those days. The times we would play together, or lay in our bed across the room and talk, or go on walks together. But usually, I don't. Usually I am so glad because now she is more than just my baby sister to look after and love. Now she is my friend to share with and learn from, to laugh and cry with, to be crazy with and pest, and be pest-ed back, and to love.

And now she is going off to college. I am very excited for her, the new things she will experience, the new challenges she will face, the new accomplishments she will develop, the new people she will meet, but I am going to miss her too.

"Heart to heart laughter
Head to head tears
You are my sister
Twice..."

I love you, Bug.
Love, Roosevelt.

Baby Shower

Today was my sister-in-law's baby shower. She is so adorable with her little (or perhaps I should say big) pregnant belly and her lovely smile. Mom and I planned it, but I got to be hostess. We decorated with sheep and duplo blocks. I made a watermelon baby cradle and everyone brought food to share. It was a lovely time, but it wore me out! I came home and fell asleep for a good half hour at least.

I love coming up with games for showers. This time we played "Name that Tune" where I hummed a children's song and they wrote down the title. There was also see how many songs we could come up with the word"baby" in it. And "Mothers of the Bible Trivia."

Mom spoke on sacrificial love - how Christ's sacrificial love lets us love even when loving gets tough. Whether it is a baby the cries all night, every night, or a child who doesn't want to hear what we say, or living with disappointed dreams, we need Christ's love that lets us give up ourselves and live for someone else.

Today

Today is a cleaning and cooking day. We are having company tonight, and the table needs to be cleaned off, the dished need to be washed, and the floors need to be vacuumed. Besides the food for tonight, I need to make some food for a family reunion on Sunday because Saturday is my sister-in-law's baby shower.

So this morning what did I do? I fell back asleep for a little bit (which was good because I hadn't slept very well since 3:30 this morning). Then I went and organized my sewing things in the basement. It doesn't look organized quite yet, but it is. I just need to put things in boxes now. This has been a project that has kind of been hanging over me all summer, except, it is in the basement, so I guess it is really hanging under me, or sitting under me, or something... But now the end is in sight. I bet I could finish it in one more day.

Then I can actually do some sewing. Think of that! I have a box, a large box full of mending, two alteration projects for a friend, and several projects that just need to be pieced. So even though I have gotten nothing done that I needed to, I am very satisfied with what has gotten done.

Invictus Review

I watched the movie Invictus as a historical drama about the South African Rugby World Cup and Nelson Mandela's work in fight apartheid. I thought it was a good story, but confusingly told. I wanted the characters to be developed a bit more, the story to hang together better, and to be persuaded to care about the success or failure of the Rugby team. Perhaps if I knew more of the history I would care more about the story, but I didn't. Don't get me wrong, I thought it was good, but not as good as I wanted it to be.

But then I began to consider the poem "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley. All of a sudden, the movie made sense. It wasn't a historical drama; it was an artistic response to the poem. The poem, not the story was the point of the movie. Or perhaps, the story was only supposed to illustrate the meaning of the poem.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
From my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced or cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
Yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

The movie then becomes the story of many different men and women who make this inward journey. Bearing the "bludgeonings of chance" and the cruelty of men, they lift their heads and stand firm, not because they know that tomorrow will be better, but because by standing firm, they have already conquered their greatest foe, themselves. When they stop seeing people as the enemy, they are able to forgive, to work hard, to reach out, to achieve goals they never thought were possible. People became partners, and situations became stepping stones. Then the inward victory could fuel the outward victory.

Using this perspective, I liked the movie very much. It focused on the heart of people, the "why" they do things. It showed how forgiveness changes the way we respond to everything, but it doesn't always change the way others respond to us. It separated actions from consequences, in the sense that it let actions be right, whether or not the consequences are favorable. And it showed that often the people closest to us are the ones who get hurt the most in the battles with ourselves. And no victory comes without casualties.

That perspective is not too far from the Truth God gives us in His Word. But rather than fighting on our own as the movie presents, we have a Conqueror who fights beside us. My greatest enemy is still myself, my fears, my selfishness, my grudges; but he has already conquered them, and gives me the strength to live out that victory. He lets us not only stand firm in the face of despair, but also hope. In His strength, we are not only unafraid, but filled with joy. By His mercy, we are not only unbowed, we can love those who beat us. I have something better than being the master of my own fate because Jesus, my Savior, my Lover, my King, is the captain of my soul.

Another Les Mis Post

My cousin was in a joint community arts production of Les Miserables. We went to see it on Sunday. It was completely acted by highschoolers from six or seven different high schools. They took the cream of the crop, and my cousin was one of them. Pretty cool if you ask me. He was one of the ensemble and did a good job.

I love Les Mis - as readers of my blog may have noticed before now. Each version that I encounter reminds me of why I like it so much. The story is powerful. It hangs on the conflict between love and the law both within Jean Valjean as well as between Valjean and Javert. Then there is the conflict between dreams and reality within Fantine and Cosette as well as the students on the barricade. But ultimately each of the characters come face to face with the world and all its ugliness, and must choose whether he will join the ugliness, but do what he can to make it a more beautiful place.

The music is beautiful. There are so many significant repetitions of melodic themes, and uses of chord structure and intervals that I only am beginning to discover as I learn more about music. I love it when the various characters sing different things at the same time, but it all works together to make an amazing conglomeration of sound. I think my favorite song in that vein is On Day More. But there are also beautiful soliloquy songs, like "Stars," "I Dreamed a Dream," "On My Own," "Empty Chairs and Empty Tables," and "Valjean's Prayer."

The version we saw on Sunday had all those things. The balance between singers wasn't always quite right, but it was a musically beautiful performance. They were very strong singers, but were able to convey quite a bit of emotion in their voices. Marius was the perfect blend between strength and gentleness. Valjean and Javert both had incredible ranges and breath control. Eponine and Fantine both new how to sing struggle and let their voices soar.

However, I could still tell they were highschoolers. Perhaps I am more tuned in to these sorts of things because I have directed highschoolers and watched them interact and move. They did not know what to do with their hands. Sometimes it seemed that their stage movement was purposeless and uncertain. And the chorus tended to be distracting while duets or solos where going on. But also they moved like kids. It is hard to exactly explain, but there was too much impulsivity, quickness, and lack of deliberate-ness to their movements. But they were highschoolers, so it only makes sense they looked like it.

Thomas and I talked about if we were staging it, how we would do it differently. There were times when the soloist just wandered about, or sat somewhere on the stage, and we would give them something to do. We talked about how we could avoid those moments and movements that accentuated the youth of the cast. And we would watch out of the same motion being done the same way again and again. We also talked about how he thought about it from an actor's point of view, and I tended to think about it from a director's point of view.

But for all the staging critiques, we enjoyed it immensely. And Thenadier and his wife were really good. They worked very well together and both new how to ham up a scene without going over the top. And my cousin made a very good dead body that Thenadier dragged "into the sewers" to rob. Excellent acting there.

The difficult thing about seeing live theater is once you have been on stage, being part of the audience just tickles the desire to do get up there again. Now we want to do it again. Watching is good and fun, but is it enough?

Peace

For the ladies retreat, I prepared to lead discussions on peace as the fruit of the Spirit. We focused primarily on peace with God and within ourselves, peace as the opposite of worry. This week for Girls Club, I am preparing lessons on peacemaking - living at peace with others. Interestingly enough, both aspects of peace are addressed in the parable of the debtors.

In Matthew 1:21-35, Jesus tells about a servant who owes his master a lot of money. The master wants to sell everything thing that the servant owns, and his wife and children, to make up a small portion of the debt. But the servant pleads for mercy and more time. The master released the servant and forgave the debt. But then that servant went to a fellow servant who owed him money and demand payment. When the second servant pleaded for more time, the first servant put him in debtors prison. All the other servants saw this and told the master who said to that first servant, "You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should you not have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?" And put him in jail until the servant could pay all the debt back.

Jesus says that when we don't forgive those who do wrong to us, God will not forgive us.

I will be focusing on the second part of the masters rebuke. If you have been forgiven a great debt, wouldn't it make sense to forgive others little debts. But I cannot teach this out of a sense of accomplishment because as I was thinking about it, several little grudges popped into my mind - things that I have held against people, sometimes almost unconsciously, and hindered our relationship. How can I be bitter or unforgiving to people, even when they have hurt me greatly, when Jesus has forgiven me so much?

How can I be bitter against my previous college, even when they did what was wrong, when I remember the ways I have deliberately done things I know God didn't want me to do, and he still loves me? How can I not forgive authority figures who have been insensitive and unreasonable, knowing that God has forgiven me? How can I hold a grudge against a friend for an thoughtless word, when Jesus died for my thoughtlessness?

When I remember that Jesus' death has made peace between God and me, I can live peaceably with all people. I can live out of the grace I have received, rather than out of what I perceive as my rights.

Then, as I am at peace with God, I can become at peace with myself, and can extend that peace to all I am around. I am able to address wrong doing without attacking an "enemy." I am able to not participate in gossip and slander. I am able to love without holding back, just as Jesus loves me.

Drink

Two new posts today.

Last night Thomas and I came up with a delightful little beverage. Pernod, mint syrup*, and Club soda. I don't know all the exact measurements, but it was about 1 part Pernod, 2/3 part mint syrup, and double the total with Club Soda. The mint syrup added a bit of sweetness without taking away from the anise-ness of the Pernod. It left a nice fresh feeling in the mouth.

*Mint syrup is made by boiling 1 1/2 cup chopped mint leaves (about 20 tops, if I remember correctly) with 2 cup sugar and 2 cups water.

Questions

Our pastor preached on Genesis 33 yesterday, about the reunion of Jacob and Esau. Though it wasn't a major point in his sermon, he said something that caught my attention. He talked about how Jacob was a changed man. He had wrestled with God and now had a limp. Now every step reminded of who he was before God. But Esau was not a changed man. Sure he wasn't angry anymore, but he wasn't really changed. He was just the type of person to get really angry and then get over it. He is a self-made man.

This is what jumped out at me. The way we know Esau was not a changed man is because he doesn't credit God with any of his good fortune.

Today I have been thinking about that and relating it to other things I have been thinking about. What could be said about me? Would people who hear me talk know that I am a Christian? Is that a bad thing? Is it always a good thing to be obviously a Christian? Don't some people have misconceptions about who Christians are and if they know I am one, will they be turned off to anything I say? Will I make a mockery of Christ by my inconsistencies and failings?

James 3 says faith without works is dead. We need to do what is right to show that we are Christians. Is there room for being a quiet Christian? Is there a place for everyone not knowing my religious beliefs? Do I always need to be talking about God and his ways?

But I have a feeling these aren't the right questions. If Jesus has changed me and I am seeking to be more like him every day, how much should I think about what my witness is? Should I just focus on being like Jesus? Or should I be focused on what Jesus has done for me and let what I do just come? Either way, my focus isn't usually in either of those places. I usually am focused on what I feel like doing or wish I was doing rather than Jesus at all.

I want my outside (what I do) to match my inside (the Holy Spirit residing in me).

Months

I realized it has been about a month since I last wrote. Lots has happened and I have thought about many things, but they have not formed any cohesive posts. So much has changed in the past two months and I can see them changing more each day. It has been as though my whole world was thrown into the air like confetti and is slowly settling and I am left trying to put it back together. Sometimes I feel very alone. Sometimes I just want to be distracted. Sometimes I am happy and almost feel like who I was before.

Today marks the second month from the day we found out we lost the baby. Two months is a long time. The first three months of pregnancy seem to have gone by much slower than the past two, and I was much busier then. Maybe it is because that day sometimes seems as if it were just yesterday. There is not a day when I don't think of my baby, but sometimes it hurts more than others.

But it has been a busy month. I loved watching the World Cup and watching Thomas get into it. He got us Espania shirts to wear for the final. And they won! We are not those who cheer for Spain just because they won. We were cheering for them since USA got knocked out. At least I was. For a while I was wavering between Netherlands and Spain, because of my Dutch background, but I enjoyed watching Spain so much better. And they seemed to show a nice balance of sportsmanship and competition. They also seemed to be perfectionists. If they were going to get a goal, it was going to be set up just right. It made for lots of passing and running around but I enjoyed that.

We went to Georgia for a week (last week to be precise) and that was very nice. Thomas and I got to visit some museums and Callaway Gardens as well as spend some time with friends and family. The week went really fast and it felt like just as we were getting into the swing of things we had to leave. I will have to post some pictures at some point.

We also have voice lessons, Wednesday night Girls Club (I am teaching), and helping friends in the church. That means we have not gone to any softball or Ladies Bible Study and have tried to keep our weekends free. But that hasn't worked so well. However, the house stays relatively clean, food is on the table, I write and read and go online (probably more than I should), and keep myself busy. I need to work on some of those "summer projects" before summer is over.

It is raining now, but there is some blue sky. A gentle breeze is coming through the windows, which I have open to help air out the house from our vacation. Since the rain isn't coming in, I might just keep the windows open, while I close my computer and figure out what next to do.

Life in Bullet Points

Life doesn't really fit into bullet points, but sometimes it helps to separate everything so it becomes clearer.

~ It has been over a month. I was thinking about how to explain everything and I can't. It seems that the open wounds in my heart have turned into scabs and bruises that if touched in the wrong way hurt just as much. How is it that emptiness can be so heavy?

~ My downstairs is getting clean! We got a new vacuum cleaner and I am having company - with a crawling baby. So that is doing wonders for my downstairs cleaning projects. Lets see how long we can keep it looking nice...

~ The world cup is a lot more fun that even I expected. I missed a few games that I wanted to see, but I didn't miss the amazing USA goal in overtime! I didn't yell very loudly, but I was pretty happy about it. Besides the USA and England, all the teams I am following have yet to secure their place in the next round, but they are doing pretty well!

~ I have taken some alteration "jobs" (mostly shirts that need to be brought in) and have enjoyed doing a different type of sewing, though it is a lot more tedious that making something from scratch. I haven't worked much on them since last Friday, but my Girls Club Classes took a bit more time than I had planned on giving them.

~ I am teaching Girls Club (like a VBS over the entire summer one night a week rather than one day) There are girls from ages 6-12 so it makes for an interesting way of teaching. I have a wonderful helper though. She does the crafts and memory verses and general help and clarification. We work quite well together.

~ I made strawberry jam with strawberries I picked. The first batch I made with Mom's help, but the second batch (for her) I did all by myself. I was quite proud of myself. And very thankful for my mother's help. She is just a wonderful person.

World Cup

The FIFA World Cup started today. I am excited to watch some of the games, and see who wins and how they win. It is odd to be excited about a sporting event, but it is bigger than just a sporting event.

Just think, men from all over the world have given their lives to play on this stage. They have worked, hoped, worked, dreamed and worked more so that they will be their best for this World Cup. Many more have worked hard, but won't be playing because of injury or not being picked to be on their national team. Think of all the people and stories just in the teams.

But then think of all the coaches, trainers, medical teams and countries that worked hard to get their teams to the World Cup. Each of them have a story of how they got to where they are now, and what makes them who they are.

Then there are the millions of people who are going to be watching the World Cup. Those who actually fill the stadiums, those who are glued to their TV sets, those who watch what the can, and those that just see bits and pieces here and there. Who are they? Why do they care? How many boys will watch and dream about being there when they grow up? How many crushes will be formed for these athletes? Imagine all the languages that it will be broadcast in. People from all over the world are terribly interested in what takes place in the next month in the country of South Africa.

And it is just a game! Can a game make a difference in the world? Can it really change anything? But games are played by people, and there is something funny about the way people work. For some this event will make all the difference in the world; it will change their world completely. But for others, it will be just another event; they will wake up July 12 and everything will be just the same.

This year, I care about what happens at the World Cup. I have been following teams and learning about players and coaches and countries. And it is odd because I have joined people from all over the world in this interest. In a strange way, I am connected with all of them as we watch, hold our breaths, and cheer or groan for the goals made. It makes the world much bigger than I can understand, but also very connected.

I could share all the various spiritual implications that I have thought of while writing that, but I will save those for reflecting back on the World Cup. So who am I cheering for? USA while we are in, but since I don't expect to make it very far, I will also be following the Netherlands, Spain, and Brazil. I like the playing style of the Netherlands, I know more about the Spanish team, and Brazil is one of the favorites to win. We will see what happens.

Nausicaa

There is a Hayao Miyazaki film called Nausicaa and the Valley of the Wind. It is a good movie (especially if you like anime and reading subtitles and that sort of thing.) Near the end Nausicaa gets mortally wounded and the Ohmu lift her up in their tentacles and heal her.

That picture has meant a lot to me in the past few days. I have felt mortally wounded, but I have known the mysterious support of prayer. Slowly, I too, am becoming healed and changed, like Nausicaa.

Thank you for being my Ohmu.

Another Poem

There is no place quite so lonely as a grave yard
There is no place quite so empty as a theater after a show
There is no place quite so quiet as school building at midnight
There is no place quite so hollow as the place within my heart.

I miss you, I miss you…
And I never knew you.

I hear your voice in my mind,
As you run into my arms.
I hear your laugh in my soul,
As we dance in the rain.

I had a dream of you here beside me
I had a dream that we were walking hand in hand
I had a dream that you’d be my child forever
But when I awoke that dream was gone.

~CJW May 22, 2010

The Secret

I heard the 1st and 2nd graders saying this recently. I still have it memorized from when I was in 1st grade. It is a good poem for springtime.

The Secret

We have a secret, just we three

The robin, I, and the sweet cherry tree;

The bird told the tree, and the tree told me,

And nobody knows it, but just we three.

But of course, the robin knows best

Because she built the --- I shan't say the rest;

And laid the four little--- something in it--

I am afraid I shall tell it every minute.

But if the tree and the robin don't peep,

I'll try my best the secret to keep;

But I know when the little birds fly about

Then the whole secret will be out.

~Anonymous

Talking

I taught 7th and 8th grade last Friday. It was fun. They liked me and I liked them. We got everything done that we needed to and I only needed to remind them of what they were supposed to be doing, and they did it, usually. If you don't include talking all the time, they did it. But I understand the need to talk to help make sense of the world, so I tried to give them time to talk. It was then difficult to say, "OK guys, you can talk in 5 mins. Now just finish up your assignments." It would only be a matter of seconds before I would need to remind them that they really didn't need to discuss the latest thought that came into their brains, but that it would keep until the 5 minutes were up. But, as I said, sometimes we need to talk in order to make sense of our world.

That is the reason I have struggled with writing for so long. I think that if I write it, it must be figured out. So I must talk about it first. Then once I have figured it out, I don't think about writing it down. Today I wrote about interacting with the Fine Arts from a Christian perspective. I was making a logical argument against certain positions that I must deal with. But as I was writing I realized that it didn't much matter how logical my arguments were; they would never change the mind of people because they disagree with some of my basic presuppositions. But I wrote it down anyway because I couldn't talk about it.

I haven't written about some things. There are just certain thoughts, dreams, ideas, and experiences that I don't trust myself to commit to paper. They are too crazy or too insignificant or too sacred to know where to begin. So they float around in my brain and sometimes come out in my conversations with Thomas, but they will have to remain unpreserved words for now. Maybe until I talk about them more.

Vicky's Poem

Tell me, oh tell me, the one who sings,
Do angels really and truly have wings?
Do they call out with a cry like a bird
And then fly low to see if we've heard?
When they make their energy manifest
Do they put on wings to be fully dressed?
Is it really true, what I have heard,
That if it has feathers, it is a bird?

From Troubling a Star by Madeline L'Engle

And yet, I must write

I discovered something the other day. I need to write. Not that I ought to write regularly, but that there is a part of me that must express itself in the written word. Just like I need to talk and eat and think. It was quite a surprising discovery, though people have told me for year that I ought to write more. But I never thought of myself as a writer; I did my thinking and sharing by talking and listening. I wished I could write better, but I never felt any urgency or compulsion to do so.

Perhaps it is the time of life that I have now entered that makes me want to put my thoughts down on paper where I can come back to them and put them in order and make them beautiful. Perhaps it is the fact that I feel that I have time to think and sit down and write. Perhaps it is the suppressed writer being born. Perhaps it is an effect of reading good books. Perhaps that it is that I want to use my computer for more than look at things online. Perhaps it is nothing of the sort.

I guess the why doesn't really matter at this point. Because I must write. I put it off and think that I haven't anything to say, but when I finally stop and let the words in my head take shape into sentences and paragraphs, there is a relief and relaxation. As if the words themselves where a burden that I no longer have to bear. And so, here's to new discoveries, new ways of expressing myself, and new blog posts and blank documents.

I must write.

Two Recommendations

When I was in junior high or high school, my mother suggested that I read Up a Road Slowly by Irene Hunt. I didn't then, and that probably wasn't the worst thing. I probably was too much like the character to understand it. But one of the students I was coaching for a speech meet read a selection from it. She did a wonderful job and I wanted to know the rest of the story. So in one night, I read the entire book, laughing and crying and completely engrossed in the life of a girl growing up and learning to live for someone besides herself, learning what love means, learning what life is about, and it was really good. It is written at a junior high level, and it would be a good book for them to read, but it is also one that I related to not only as a girl growing up, but also as a teacher and sister watching other girls grow up.

Tonight Thomas watched a movie that I didn't want to, so I watched Julie and Julia. It is a movie about cooking in some ways, but it is more about loving and living with purpose and resolution. It is about dreaming and making mistakes and how love covers a multitude of wrongs. It was a good movie, maybe not my absolute favorite, but definitely one to recommend and one to help fight any disillusionment and cynicism that I may have about my life and dreams.

Stuff

I know Thomas does/did "Stuff of the Week" but here is my take on the past few days.

Conversation: Thomas and I had a great one about all sorts of things while he was smoking his pipe. It was Chelsea Morning tobacco, which happens not only to have a great name, but also a lovely smell, and pleasant taste from his reports. I don't smoke a pipe. Smoking, drinking beer, and swearing all seem to me completely within reason for a man to do occasionally, but very distasteful when a woman joins in, besides the fact that I don't like beer.

Movies: Thomas got me to watch the new James Bond movies. They actually weren't that bad, though I did leave during the torture scene in the first one, and didn't feel nearly as satisfied after the second. I did think that the poker theme of "Casino Royale" held the movie together. Besides being a plot point, you felt that Bond played his life with the same risks and tricks as he played his poker game.

Game: El Classico - between Barcelona and Real Madrid, the top two "football" teams in Spain. They have very different styles and, on the day, Barcelona proved the better team. Although I was cheering for Real Madrid, Barcelona have some amazing players and they work together beautifully. But losing to Barcelona doesn't mean Real Madrid is as bad as some of the commentators would like to make them sound. They had been on the top of the charts for a few weeks before the game. And they are fun to watch.

Book: I reread "The Horse and His Boy" again. Each of the Chronicles is my favorite when I read it, but I think this one stands out from the rest. It has always captured my imagination in a very special way. I can see Tashban and the Hermit's shelter; I can smell the fishy breeze off the sea and sweat of the horses as they cross the dessert; I can almost taste the ices of Tashban and the breakfast of the dwarves. And I feel Shasta's pain as he has to run beyond the Hermitage to find King Lune and his despair as he crosses the mountains, but also his joy at seeing Aslan. I hope this story is never made into a movie unless I am the designer.

Smell: Everything. I now know what it is like for poor Thomas who is very sensitive to smells. I can smell the candle across the room, the slightest whiff of onion, as well as the dusty carpets and today, the odd smelling walls at school. I like being outside because then the smells are a little more diluted. I think my favorite smell recently was the tea Thomas had tonight - pomegranate oolong.

Sound: Thomas' voice always gets the best sound in the world vote, but besides that, I have enjoyed hearing the birds sing in the morning.

Sight: Again, Thomas' eyes melt my heart every time I look at them. (Sorry about the mushyness, but it's true.) But the daffodils, forsythia, plum blossoms, and grape hyacinth at my parents house get second place. And third goes to the amazing tropical flower in my dad's office. Its leaves are dark green and the flowers right at the center were pale orange and yellow. They looked like someone had shoved plastic flowers into the plant, but they were real and so delicate the closer I looked.

Well, that's all for now. More again later.

Blessings in Disguise

You have probably heard or seen or read interactions where one person says, "That was a blessing in disguise." And their partner responds, "Some disguise..." The last few days have been one of those moments in our lives, and we are left praising God and being thankful that he knows what he is doing, even when we don't.

My parents are taking care of my grandparents as they are too forgetful (etc.) to stay on their own. It is a beautiful challenge and it gets more exciting when my parents go away. Then they need to find replacement grandparent-sitters, usually in the form of us grandkids and a sweet lady from our church. My first "shift" was from Wednesday 6:00 am to around 3:15 pm, when I had to leave for voice lessons, and my sister-in-law was going to take over. Wednesday morning, besides being crazy early (I live a half-hour away from my parents house) and the two spiders in the kitchen sink (which I thought was a bit much for 5:00 in the morning), went very smoothly. They had breakfast, made cookies, had lunch, took naps and as they read and wondered about the house, I even got to practice and warm up for my voice lesson.

Around 2:50 or 3:00, Grandpa wanted to go outside to get the mail. This is one of his "chores" which he takes great satisfaction in completing. I watched him go out, but rather than checking the mail, he got in the car. I had the keys with me, so I let him sit in the car, with the door open for a little bit. When he shut the car door, I knew he would get too hot, so I went out and tried to persuade him to get out of the car. You can't really reason with him because his brain doesn't work logically anymore, but you also can really tell him what to do because that gets him mad. So finally, he asked me what I wanted him to do, and I said that I wanted him to either get the mail and come inside, or to come inside and get the mail later.

He went off and got the mail. He makes a little circuit: out the driveway, down the side of the road, up the stairs by the mailbox, and then inside. I knew he was a little upset, so I didn't want to aggravate the situation by standing there, so I watched from inside. He made his little circuit, but instead of coming inside, he did it again. And then again. On the third time around I called to him, but he continued with his path. I then saw he was having trouble with the stairs so I took his cane out to help him in. I tried to persuade him to walk up the side of the road, rather than use the steps, but he kept trying anyway. I tried asking him to tell me what he was doing and why he was doing it that way, just to see what he was thinking, but he couldn't tell me that either. I finally got him off the steps, and as I looked up to see my sister-in-law driving down the road, he started bending over as if he couldn't stand up, and then started shaking.

After that, things started to get crazy. The first thought was heat exhaustion, so we brought him water and a cool washcloth. We knew we had to get him inside, but we also knew we couldn't carry him. We were able to set him down on the steps beside the mailbox and let him rest there. We couldn't get ahold of one of the neighbors, a gentleman who usually is able to come help, but we were able to reach the other neighbors, who came over and helped us get him in a car and then in the house. I had one arm, one of the neighbors had his other arm, I lifted one leg, while the other neighbor pushed his other foot forward in steps. We left a message for the doctor and for mom. We gave kept giving him water and once the excitement settled down, and my brother was on his way to join his wife, I left for my music lesson, about 45 minutes late.

The nurses called back and said that they should call an ambulance because he might have had a minor stroke, so they did and he got taken to the hospital that evening. Meanwhile, I called my husband to let him know that I would be late to voice lessons, where we were supposed to meet. He informed me that he wouldn't be there, because the car broke down, but he had taken it to a garage and could borrow the Press truck to get home. We planned to meet at a friend's house for dinner.

After that I about lost everything and wanted to cry, but I got to my voice lesson and my teacher was so understanding and the song we worked on was "Oh Rest in the Lord." How appropriate. It, by the grace of God, soothed my soul and gave me strength to continue with the day. However, on my way home, Thomas called again and asked me to pick him up because the Press truck was giving him trouble. It had died in the middle of an intersection, and though he was able to get it started and home safely, he didn't really trust it that much. We later found out that it just does that every now and again.

I picked him up, we had dinner at a friends and since Thomas had a pretty bad headache, he dropped me off to teach my prayer meeting class. That was enjoyable, though I had two extra older students. Praise God I had the cookies from earlier in the day so I even had snacks for everyone. Finally I got home, took a bath and went to bed.

Blessings? where are the blessings? Well, because Grandpa was in the hospital, we didn't have to worry about washing him, dressing him, making sure he didn't run away, or eat stuff he shouldn't or anything. We also had something for Grandma to look forward to in the afternoon and to do in the evenings (visit Grandpa in the hospital). Those can be difficult times to explain why they can't go back to the farm. Also because we rented a car, it didn't break down on the way to GA last week. And we had one of the parents cars for this weekend, so we were never completely without a car. I also felt like the week brought my family closer together, gave Mom and Dad a break, and let Thomas and I understand how we can help and pray better for them.

I am sure there are lots more blessings too. I just haven't discovered them yet.

P.S. Grandpa is coming home from the hospital today. He is fine, they couldn't find any evidence of a stroke, as far as I heard, but were most concerned about his irregular heartbeat - which is actually normal for him. Mom was able to persuade the doctor that it would be better for her to give him 24-hour care rather than put him in a nursing home, where he wouldn't have nearly as much attention.