November 16

 

Last night it snowed; today we had a snow delay day.

After breakfast and morning chores, the boys went out and played in the snow. They sledded down the church's hill. They built a snowman. They got drenched because it the snow was melting rapidly.

I went out to the garage and organized the wood, stacked some pallets, and put things with similar things, packing up the summery tools and toys, and putting winter tools and toys toward the front. I felt very Dutch, cleaning my garage, even though it isn't nearly as orderly as my great-aunt's.

When we all came in, the boys had a snack and hot chocolate, which let us get all our "together work" done before lunch. Then after lunch, the boys practiced their instruments, did independent school work, and we got ready to go to a Advent worship planning meeting. 

We had pizza for dinner, complete with a pizza pig for my non-pizza eater.

After the boys were in bed, I did lesson plans for tomorrow, finished the dishes while Thomas read to me, and folded clothes. Now it is time to go to bed. It was an enjoyable day.

November 14-15

 Roast Duck

I know that lots of people have cooked duck and that there are many ways to cook duck. I also know that I am not really fond of duck, but that my husband and eldest son are. So every year, when Aldi sells frozen ducks, I buy one and roast it.

Until last year, I roasted it just like the Mapel Hill farm website told me to. It involved bringing a large pot of water to a boil for ten minutes of rendering the fat and using my turkey roasting pan. It was a lot of work and all evidence of the hours of labor, except for the piles of dishes, were gone in fifteen minutes.

Then I discovered a recipe for roasted duck with turnips in my French cooking book. Although duck is not my favorite fowl, I do like roasted turnips. In this recipe, the fat is rendered by browning the outside of the duck, then using the fat that bubbles out to make a brothy gravy (with wine and chicken broth too) that the turnips and the duck sit in while roasting.

This duck does not have the fatty flavor, does not created tons of dishes, and has turnips. Also, it is so pretty.

Mondays are usually a bit busy with preparations for Tuesday classes, and I wasn't feeling really well all day long. But I had planned to cook the duck this Monday; it had begun to thaw, and there really was no other day this week that I would have time to cook it. So even though I got started close to 4:30, instead of 3:00, like I had originally planned, I made roast duck for my family.

November 12

This is my children's message for tomorrow.

In the Old Testament, God gave his people a calendar that celebrated his gifts to them, and foreshadowed Jesus’s salvation, through a series of feasts through the year. Since then Christians have developed a liturgical year, which shows us and reminds us of God’s work in the world, through the birth, life, death, resurrection, ascension, and second coming of Jesus. The Liturgical year reminds us that all of life is about Jesus.

Our celestial year starts on January 1st, but the Liturgical years starts on the first day of Advent (in two weeks), which means the current liturgical year ends next week on Christ the King Sunday.

During Advent and Christmas, we celebrate Christ’s coming to earth as a baby. Epiphany celebrates the revealing of Jesus to all people, not just the children of Israel. Lent celebrates Jesus’s life on earth - where he laid down his glory as God, becoming human, our God with us. Holy Week celebrates his sacrificial death for our sins. Easter celebrates his miraculous resurrection. Pentecost celebrates the gift of the Holy Spirit, and the beginning of the church as a group of people who are going to follow Jesus with their whole selves. Then as Advent approaches again, we celebrated Jesus’ second coming, especially with Christ the King Sunday which reminds us that someday everyone will know that Jesus is the King of everything.

I wanted to review all of this to remind us of the liturgical significance of today’s passage as it talks about Jesus’ second coming. The disciples wanted to know the signs that Jesus is about to be recognized king over all the world. They wanted to be ready and they wanted to be a part of it. Jesus’s answer was that before he comes again, there is going to be a lot of trouble and hardship. But even in hard times, they could stand firm in their faith because he would be right there helping them.

Jesus is going to come again. I don’t know when. I don’t know exactly what it will be like. But I know he is going to come. And because of Bible verses like the verses that we read, I know life isn’t going to be easy and lots of bad things are going to happen. But I also know, just like the first disciples, the way we can be ready for his return is by standing firm in our faith, no matter what happens. And that we can stand firm because through his Holy Spirit, he is right here with us, helping us, supporting us, loving us, even if we can’t see, hear, or feel him. That is what faith is, the assurance of what we cannot see.

Jesus is coming. Remembering that, let’s bow our heads and ask Jesus to help us live what we believe: that he is with us now. In this world we will have trouble, but take heart, Jesus has overcome the world.

November 11

Starting in August, I listened through the Bible. Although it was supposed to be in 90 days, it took me closer to 97 days. It was a good exercise and a lot of listening. Going through so quickly, I wasn't able to stop and ponder much, but instead I picked up on big themes and repetitions that I hadn't noticed before. 

For example, the emphasis of so much of the Old Testament is the calling and recalling of God's chosen people. His passionate love for His people in spite of their disinterest and rejection of Him put the passages about the punishment into a different light. Then in the New Testament, that theme is continued by showing that God's love isn't just for the Israelites but for all who will follow Jesus in repentance and faith.

Because it was kind of like a survey, it was helpful to pick out what I would like to study next. I haven't given Jude much thought, except that it is right before Revelation, but now I am studying it in much more depth. I also caught the flow of Hebrews better than I have before and want to compare the arguments in Romans with the argument of Hebrews. 

Overall, listening through the Bible in 90 days refreshed my interested in what the Bible means as a whole as well as prepared me for some deep dives into certain areas.

November 10

 Eamon requests fudge for his birthday every year, and every year I try to make it, but only once has it turned out right, and I never knew why. It has always tasted delicious, but the texture has been all wrong. I told Eamon this year that I would practice making fudge until I got it right. Then I researched and read articles and tried to figure things out.

Today was the day to try again. I put the butter, sugar, and evaporated milk in a pot and began stirring. As soon as it started to boil, I put in my candy thermometer and waited until it read the correct temperature 237 degrees F. Last time I followed the suggestion to have everything read to put in immediately and it crystalized immediately, so this time I tried the suggestion to let it cool down just a little before adding the chocolate. As soon as I dumped the chocolate in, it crystalized immediately and got all oily and grainy.

Because this is what always happens, I was not terribly surprised, I was prepared with another experiment. First, I dumped all the grainy, greasy mass into a different bowl. Then I washed the pot so it had no sugar encrusted on the edges. After I put it back on the burner, I greased the sides with butter and pulled out my electric thermometer. I put the failed fudge back in the pot, adding about half a cup of water to the grainy, greasy mass.

It was time to bring it to a boil again. This time I used my electric thermometer. When I put it in, the candy thermometer said it was about the correct temperature, but the electric thermometer said it was only 200 degrees F. So I stirred and stirred. The grainy, greasy mass became a bubbling, beautiful syrup. At last it reached 237 degrees F, so I turned of the heat and waited until it almost stopped bubbling. Then I scooped in the marshmallow cream and stirred it until it was all mixed in.

When I dumped it into a lined and greased 9x13 pan, I could tell that it was already a better texture. A few hours later when we ate it, the fudge melted in our mouths. It was not only tasty, but the right texture too!

Here is the recipe I am planning on using next time.

1. Grease the sides of a heavy pot with some of the 3/4 cup of butter. Add 3 cups of sugar and one 5 1/3oz can of evaporated milk. 

2. Bring to a boil until it reaches 237-239 degrees (with the electric thermometer!).

3. After it stops bubbling, stir in 12 oz of good chocolate chips - semi-sweet is good - and 1 tsp vanilla. If it doesn't seize up, add 7 oz of marshmallow cream. Add a cup of chopped nuts, if I think the boys will eat it that way.

4. Pour it into a lined and greased pan and let it cool.

November 4-9

On Friday, we went to Bethlehem as a field trip. We finally got to see a blacksmith at work. We also went to a museum, a book shop, a historic tavern, several other shops, and a restaurant. I have not been to the historic part of Bethlehem since fifth grade, so it was nice to go back and see all the things I had forgotten and how things have changed. The blacksmith was probably my favorite part though.

 

Saturday, I wrote a story instead of blogging.

 

After church on Sunday, Eamon played his cello before the Gabrielle Ensemble concert, which featured an organ and concluded with a cello concerto. Mom and Dad came, and on the way home, we stopped for ice-cream. The boys got rather silly with their grandparents, and with the time change, we were all very tired by the time we got home.

 

Alas, on Monday, Aunt Anna left. We had a normal school day, but we were all sad to see her go.

 

Tuesdays are our crazy days, and this Tuesday was no different, with Aunt Colony in the morning, literature and Spanish in the afternoon, then shopping as fast as possible before we come home to a quick supper. Thomas has an evening class, so the boys played computer games while I tutored a friend in math.

 

Today, we did part of our school in the morning before I went out for a delayed birthday lunch with a friend. Now I am doing my "language arts" while the boys finish up school for the day.

November 3

 This year's fall has been particularly brilliant. Only now are the mountains becoming winter grey, although there are still patches of brilliant yellow or dark red. We've had our first frost, but it was a light one, and the grass is still green. The nights are in the low 40's, but the days have gotten up to the low 70's. This week "There's not a cloud in the sky" as Malcolm likes to say.

I am glad that I have the opportunity to soak up each day's beauty. Whether standing at my kitchen sink, raking leaves, or taking walks, all I have to do is lift my eyes to see an incredible view. All I have to do is notice.

But I suppose that is no different from any other time. Are other times of the year not so breathtakingly beautiful? or have I gotten out of the habit of noticing except when the beauty smacks me in the face?

November 2

 In Luke 18, Jesus tells the story of the Pharisee and the tax collector. The Pharisee brags about all the good he does and the tax collector begs forgiveness for all that he as done. Jesus ends the story with, “For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

 Just a few verses later, Jesus meets a young man who asks him how to inherit eternal life. That was kind of like asking, “How do I get to heaven?” Jesus said to follow the law, and the young man replied that he had followed the law all his life. Then Jesus told him to sell everything and give the money to the poor. The man felt he couldn’t do that, so he went away from Jesus.

He was the real life Pharisee. Sometimes when we talk about Pharisees, we make them seem so proud that we find it easy to condemn them. But in real life, this young man wasn’t proud like that. He was a good young man, and he wanted to follow Jesus. He had done what was right, but still felt like he wasn't good enough. So he asked Jesus what he was missing. When Jesus told him to give up everything, he was sad. In Mark's telling of this story, he says that Jesus loved him, but when it came down to the line, the rich young man wasn’t ready to give up everything that Jesus demanded.

Then in the next chapter, we read about Zacchaeus, who is a real life tax collector. And he didn’t look exactly the same as in the story either. He wasn’t nice or kind; he was a thief and everyone knew it. Yet, he was curious about Jesus; he just wanted to see him. It seems he knew that he wasn't good enough to be a follower of a holy man, but maybe there was also hope behind his curiosity. Then when Jesus started talking to him, he knew he had to give up everything: his reputation, his wealth, his self-made identity, everything.

The biggest sacrifices we have to make are usually because of love. We love someone or something so much that we are willing to give up whatever is necessary. Here’s the catch, if we don’t love a lot, we aren’t going to be willing to give up a lot. But the more we love, the more we are willing to ungrudgingly give.

Jesus loved us so much, he was willing to give up his life for us, so we know he loves us a lot! But now, how much do I love him? What is separating me from showing Him that love? Am I willing to give that up because of love?

November 1

 It is November already. 

 I keep waiting for things to slow down or get calm, but I just looked at my calendar and had the sudden realization, things aren't going to slow down. Life will not get calm naturally. If things slow down around here, it is usually due to illness or laziness, and neither of those things tend toward peace.

Ever since we read the statement, "Control is the language of the devil,"* I have been thinking about the way I try to control everything and everyone around me. The other rail in the "train-track" is that the only person I ought to control is myself, and I am not doing that very well either.

The way this discussion has manifested itself recently is the security of planning on one side, and the lack of self-discipline, especially when it comes to sleep, on the other side. 

 

I am a planner. My brain doesn't turn off if I don't have a plan. I enjoy scheduling my week. Meal preparation is easier when I have done the planning ahead of time. When I go with the flow, it is usually because I have planned for multiple contingencies, so I have a plan if things don't go according to the original plan. I feel a kindred spirit to Jepeth the goat in Hoodwinked when he sings, "Be Prepared." I enjoy looking at all the moving pieces of life and putting them in order. I like shelving books in order by author or size. The idea of filing all the choir music, cleaning up, and organizing the music room at our church is exciting. On days when I have a few minutes to dream, I've been going into my basement to plan how to make my fabric more accessible and my sewing and crafting table more usable.

The question that has been nagging at my brain is, "Is this love of planning just another way of trying to control your world?" or worded another way, "Am I controlling my world (bad) or bringing order to chaos (good)?"

But the thing I am supposed to be controlling - myself - I have been neglecting. A year ago, I walked every morning. I got out of the habit when it got cold, and never really got back into it. I used to have a good dishes and laundry schedule, but twice this month I left the wet laundry in the washer until they started to stink. I haven't sat down to write or dream (White Space, thank you, Juliet Funt) regularly, and I "read" my Bible by listening to it while I'm doing something else. When my bedtime alarm goes off, I ignore it, just like I ignore my wake-up alarm. I justify my not getting things done with, "just needing some recovery time."

And I'm getting tired of it.

So November 1 is a good time to start working through all this, both in my head and in my life. I don't want a 30 day goal or something like that. I want it to be a lifestyle, or system of habits, that can be adapted through all the changes in life. As St. Patrick prayed, so do I.

I bind unto myself today
The power of God to hold and lead,
His eye to watch, his might to stay,
His ear to hearken to my need
The wisdom of my God to teach
His hand to guide, his shield to ward
The Word of God to give me speech,
His heavenly host to be my guard.

I bind unto myself today
the strong name of the Trinity,
by invocation of the same
the Three in One, One in Three.

*The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by Jeff VanVonderen

Window Seats

I have a dream of having a house with a window seat. Ever since reading "The Ring and the Window Seat," I have dreamed of sitting in one, looking out the window, lost in thought. Many of the stories in my head have a character who sits in a window seat to think.

Sometimes it is a rich and dark window seat, with curtains that could be let down, keeping the window draft from entering the room, but also creating a secret place to hide. The curtains are heavy and red. The seat is covered by a thick cream, red, and green striped upholstery. And there are a few pillows to accent the alcove; on is round and green with a fringe that has seen better days, but is still perfect for stroking when working on a tricky thought.

Outside this window is a rolling and wild scene. Sometimes there is an ocean crashing far too close for it to be realistic. Sometimes it is the Virginia mountains and rolling fields, spotted with meandering cows. And sometimes there is only hills and trees for as far as the eyes can reach.

Sometimes the window seat is open and bright white with a pale green cushion to sit on. There is a hanging plant on one side of the window, and its vines climb around the other corner and continue to spread down the sides, forming a natural valance. The entire room is brighter because of the window seat, and under the seat is a small bookshelf of familiar favorites.

Outside this window is an open lawn. There are flowers in beds; the grass is mown; all is in order, right to the wooden fence, keeping prying eyes from intruding upon the open window, perfect for reading or thinking.

Those are my two favorite imaginings, but sometimes there are important differences. Often there are lace curtains in the window, and no fence outside. Occasionally, little hand prints smudge the glass, signalling that it is the best place to wait for Daddy to come home from work. On rare occasions there is a tissue box nook and a tea-cup shelf, because both tissues and tea are necessary, and I like having things handy.

Maybe someday I will have a real window seat, but in someways it doesn't really matter. I will always have my own little corner and my own little chair, where I can be wherever I want to be.

Catching up

Monday Thinking: I don't want to wake up for in-service at 7:30. Good thing I can act sociable. Meetings. Lots of good stuff. Brain about to explode. Oh, another meeting. Fun. Late supper. Finish editing..zzzz...

Tuesday Written:
Last week, I had a pretty good schedule for writing and teaching. I worked all afternoon on school, then after bed time worked on my story. Everything else happened in between. Unfortunately, that meant not much else happened. Dishes and laundry and kids and husband kind of got squeezed out a little bit. Saturday, I felt like I crashed, and Sunday, I focused on catching up and resting. However this week, trying to find a better balance, I feel that I all out of wack again, and it is only Tuesday. Late supper again.

Wednesday:
I am so behind with my 100 words, but I have three posts just buzzing in my head. Quick take notes so I can finish them and have something to write about for the rest of the week. How did it get to be 8:15 already? Oh, right, late supper. Boys are going to bed late again. One of these days I'll be able to pull things together. Maybe.

Teaching Video

I made my first teaching video yesterday. After watching it a few times, I am rather critical of it, but at the same time, I am also rather proud of it. Maybe this teaching online thing won't be so bad... maybe?

Anyway, that is what I did instead of blogging my 100 words.

Funny Story

I was trying to rewrite a section of my story where a boy encounters a girl with a dislocated shoulder. I know basic first aid to check for vitals, keep the person safe, and such things, but I couldn't remember if the arm is out of position, should it be moved to strap it close to the body in order to keep it immobile or should he just leave it alone until someone more qualified could take care of it.

So I took to Google and did some research. I was reading about various injuries and the best way to proceed in taking care of them, when rather suddenly, I felt very ill and thought I might pass out. Had this never happened before, I would have been very concerned. But I am rather familiar with this sensation when encountering major injuries that I have no way of helping, so my adrenaline doesn't kick in. When there is something for me to do, I can usually push through, though I usually need time to recover myself when it is all over. However, my imagination has gotten the better of me many times.

Immediately, I bent over and put my head between my knees. When that didn't help as rapidly as I had hoped, I quickly closed down my research, without finding an answer, put away my computer, grabbed my phone, just in case I would need assistance, and went to lay down on the couch. The walls of darkness were rapidly closing in. However, within minutes of laying down, I was fine, but I decided that I should practice my Spanish instead of writing anymore.

Then next day, I called my mother, an RN, to tell me what my character should do. I am so glad that she can be my medical research.

CRAZINESS

I didn't think teaching a class would be all that much work. I didn't think working more hours would actually take that much more time.

Maybe I am over-reacting because yesterday was Monday and I was in meetings all day long! Maybe it was because, usually I can put the boys to bed and work on what I want to work on and still be ready for the next day. Maybe I have gotten out of the habit of being perpetually behind on everything I need/want to do.

Whatever the reason, I am in a technology shock. I had to take a nap today, just to get my brain on straight again. I was so stressed out all morning, that I felt like I was shaking. I wasn't, but I was on edge. Now I have a lesson to prepare for the morning, some technological issues to straighten out and about 5 phone calls that are hanging over my head.

I know I will find a new routine and pattern shortly, but I have 100 words to write in the middle of being overwhelmed, so here it is. Now on to figuring out how I am going to make the concept of point of view interesting and applicable to 7th and 8th grade students.

Bible App

For a long time, I scorned Bible apps. It was probably a mixture of snobbery (a Bible feels so much weightier than my phone) and aesthetics (I like the feel of thin pages and the sound of them shuffling), but one of my students said that she had this Bible app that really helped her remember to read the Bible and pray every day. I had been struggling with exactly that issue, so it felt like I should probably take note of what she was saying, so I got the Bible app. It has Bible reading plans with devotionals that have been somewhat helpful, but the biggest help has been the daily verse sent to me minutes after my alarm goes off.

Yesterday's verse was Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." It got stuck in my head in the phrases of a song that I can't quite remember. I kept thinking about how any good that I am is God's goodness reflected, but that is truest part of me.

And this mornings verse was Galatians 5:1 "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." Having yesterday's verse still floating through my head, the silliness of the claims of sin shocked me. Why would I do anything but live out of Christ's freedom knowing that it is death and slavery?

But I do. Pretty regularly. I am so wrapped up in what pleases me, what is comfortable, what feels right, what I want, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, that I don't even notice half the time. I think this has been made all the more apparent because I feel that many of my assumptions about life have been recently challenged by our current situation.

So I am questioning (again) what does living for Jesus really look like in this moment? And I am getting the same answer, just take the next step in faith.

Do not worry about tomorrow. Love God and love others. Oh, and by the way, tell stories.

So much noise

Our family has this problem with noise. We only like the noise we are personally making. So the boys regularly yell at each other, "you are being too loud." They had trouble with their classmates because "They are too loud. They never stop talking." That is exactly how I have been feeling everyday while we are schooling at home. "They never stop talking or making noise while they are working!" However, I stand at the bottom of the steps and holler up to the attic, but then tell them to talk quieter when they come down to the kitchen. My husband does not like when we yell or communicate with hollers up and down the steps, but he plays music nice and loud.

I didn't realize the commonality of this problem until yesterday when I was trying to work and the boys were loudly emptying the dishwasher. I told them to work a little quieter; they were right next to each other; they didn't need to yell. They got quieter for two seconds, but then started yelling happily again. I sent them outside to yell. Shortly later, Thomas turned off his music when he walked to the post office. The washing machine stopped thumping. Suddenly I realized, the house was quiet. Even though it was not accurate, it felt like that was the first time the house was quiet all day long.

It got me thinking that it isn't really a noise problem after all. We like noise. We like quiet. The problem is a lot more subtle. We like our noise. We like our quiet. We like ourselves to be able to determine our environment. And the solution to the problem isn't set times or places for noise and quiet, but the solution to so many problems: Love.

100 Words Quarantine Edition

I have felt that something is missing from my life.

Some days, sanity is the missing piece. I flit from one thing to another, barely surviving, but somehow making it through another day.

Other days, I am convinced that a routine would solve the problems. If I got up at the same time, went to bed at the same time, if my boys had fits at the same time everyday... then I could prepare adequately and all would be well.

Still other days it is socialization. I actually do miss people. I miss their perspectives interrupting to my endless inner narrative. Being lost in my story world or listening to my inner critic can be exhausting, but I never think of calling people.

So what is really missing? I haven't the slightest idea, but I thought maybe if I write my thoughts down I can find it. Maybe it is nothing but that perpetual nagging that the world is changing before my eyes, but I am too busy to notice or too blind to be thankful. Maybe if I open my eyes and pause long enough to write 100 words every day, it will be enough. Maybe.

I made this today from a photo I shot on a walk recently.

Saying No

One of the decisions that Thomas and I made was for me to not direct the school play. I had been anticipating directing, searching for a play, beginning to build a team, and getting a bit excited. But Malcolm is not ready to be away from me for three days a week. Eamon was the same way a few years ago, and he grew out of it, so I am not concerned about Malcolm. Instead, it has given me the chance to say, "No" to myself and "Yes" to him.

Interestingly, since we made that decision, there have been so many confirmations that it was the right one. Encouragement from my parents, understanding from my friends, and even random articles I encounter have been about the freedom in saying "No." But there was also the day when I was away, during the hours I would have directed. When I got home, I was exhausted. We wouldn't have had supper if Thomas hadn't taken us out to eat. I could hardly function. Then there was the day that we had extra people in our house. That night both boys woke up several times, wanting to know I was there and wasn't going to leave.

It has also freed me to pursue other areas of creativity and study. I started tutoring a student in Latin. I have almost finished a meditative book. I have another book about business that I started and has shown me how much I have to learn. I have been researching a lot of Sunday School things. And I have an idea to get back into reading Educational Philosophy again. I also have sewn two masks/coifs that I have designed from scratch.

I see now, that the gifts that I use when I direct are being used in other places. The organization and administration is being used and developed as I do work for the Board of ICS and as Sunday School Superintendent. The way I love to listen to people and make them feel comfortable talking is really helping as I conduct interviews, make phone calls, and write emails to all sorts of people. My love to create things that I see in my head shows as I take the time to sit and sew while my boys play and as I prepare for "school" with the boys.

Saying "No" to directing the play was hard. Really hard. I love theater and directing and my students. But it is so encouraging to see God using that hard choice to free me to better love him, my family, my church, and even my students in new ways. And this isn't a "No" to theater forever. Just a "Yes" to my family's current needs.

Friday Review

So this has been a terrible 100 Words Week. I actually didn't spend a lot of time on my computer, so it wasn't like I was just not writing... I was doing other stuff.

Quote of the week: "No No No." Both boys have been experimenting with independence in their own special ways. It has been very exhausting for their mother.

Project of the week: Mopping the Kitchen Floor! It got done! I am so happy. Because it finally happened...

Other completed project of the week: My Pantry cupboard! My wonderful older brother gave me a wardrobe that was being junked. I turned it into a pantry.

Music of the week: Music Together. Our last class was Thursday, but the songs keep popping up in conversation and games. The original song goes, "One little owl goes whoo, whoo; Two little owls go whoo whoo, Three little owls go whoo, whoo as they sat in the old oak tree." But I heard Malcolm substitute "Bad guys go bang pew pew."

Overall summary: Last weekend Thomas and I had a much needed date where we talked about a lot of things and came to absolutely no decisions. But we laid the foundation for decisions to be made. I finished the next step in the kitchen project, and have just a few more adjustments so my kitchen won't become the collectors stop for junk. One of those adjustments has is putting the boys "art supplies" in places they can reach, while keeping my art supplies out of their hands. The other is finding a place for all the papers and toys and stuff on the counter. The next project is finishing my office space.

Control?

There is a concept in psychology that if you resist temptation, it will be a lot harder to do it again. This idea that humans have a limited amount of will power has shaped all sorts of treatment plans, dieting and exercising plans, as well as so many other things. And "ego depletion" is now being called into question. You can listen to the SciShow explanation on YouTube and they explain it better than I can. However, it touches on a Truth that I keep learning. It is the principle of Self-Control.

When I was younger, Dad told about a friend in college who didn't eat desserts because he wanted to teach himself self-control. As I remember it, he denied himself something he liked, just because he believed denying himself was a good thing. I don't think I quite understood the story until I started observing Lent. And I don't think I understood Lent until I grasped the connection between humility, love, and self-control.

In the book, Families Where Grace is in Place, Jeff VanVonderen states that, "Control is the language of the Devil." When we try to control others and our relationships are based in getting others to do what I want them to do, we are acting contrary to God's plan, even if our kids are obeying or our spouses complying. We are not creating a Christian home, but rather a devilish home, full of manipulation, tension, legalism, and shame.

On the other hand, one of books about Easter Orthodoxy talked about how controlling ourselves frees us to love. To love others, we must lay down our lives, like Christ. If we are unwilling to deny ourselves, we are not really loving anyone. Instead, we are trying to get them to do what we want; we are controlling them.

This ties back in to Dad's "Respond Rightly" - I can't control a lot of things, but I can always "respond rightly." My brother took my toy - respond rightly. I don't like salmon loaf - respond rightly. I don't want to do my homework - respond rightly.

So, I want to love God and love others. That love means that I must be self-controlled, not in some reserved, stoic way, but in a humble, denying-my-wants way. I am not saying desserts are bad, or TV is bad, or whatever else I deny myself is bad. On the contrary, they are good and should be enjoyed, but when I indulge in them rather than make a controlled choice to partake, I have become a slave to my wants and must resort to manipulation, legalism, and shame to make myself feel "good." 

Jesus said, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it." (Luke 9:23-24) The idea of ego depletion or limited will power doesn't fit, even though self-control is exhausting work, and time and practice don't seem to make it any easier. But it does shed new light on, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)