November 1

 It is November already. 

 I keep waiting for things to slow down or get calm, but I just looked at my calendar and had the sudden realization, things aren't going to slow down. Life will not get calm naturally. If things slow down around here, it is usually due to illness or laziness, and neither of those things tend toward peace.

Ever since we read the statement, "Control is the language of the devil,"* I have been thinking about the way I try to control everything and everyone around me. The other rail in the "train-track" is that the only person I ought to control is myself, and I am not doing that very well either.

The way this discussion has manifested itself recently is the security of planning on one side, and the lack of self-discipline, especially when it comes to sleep, on the other side. 

 

I am a planner. My brain doesn't turn off if I don't have a plan. I enjoy scheduling my week. Meal preparation is easier when I have done the planning ahead of time. When I go with the flow, it is usually because I have planned for multiple contingencies, so I have a plan if things don't go according to the original plan. I feel a kindred spirit to Jepeth the goat in Hoodwinked when he sings, "Be Prepared." I enjoy looking at all the moving pieces of life and putting them in order. I like shelving books in order by author or size. The idea of filing all the choir music, cleaning up, and organizing the music room at our church is exciting. On days when I have a few minutes to dream, I've been going into my basement to plan how to make my fabric more accessible and my sewing and crafting table more usable.

The question that has been nagging at my brain is, "Is this love of planning just another way of trying to control your world?" or worded another way, "Am I controlling my world (bad) or bringing order to chaos (good)?"

But the thing I am supposed to be controlling - myself - I have been neglecting. A year ago, I walked every morning. I got out of the habit when it got cold, and never really got back into it. I used to have a good dishes and laundry schedule, but twice this month I left the wet laundry in the washer until they started to stink. I haven't sat down to write or dream (White Space, thank you, Juliet Funt) regularly, and I "read" my Bible by listening to it while I'm doing something else. When my bedtime alarm goes off, I ignore it, just like I ignore my wake-up alarm. I justify my not getting things done with, "just needing some recovery time."

And I'm getting tired of it.

So November 1 is a good time to start working through all this, both in my head and in my life. I don't want a 30 day goal or something like that. I want it to be a lifestyle, or system of habits, that can be adapted through all the changes in life. As St. Patrick prayed, so do I.

I bind unto myself today
The power of God to hold and lead,
His eye to watch, his might to stay,
His ear to hearken to my need
The wisdom of my God to teach
His hand to guide, his shield to ward
The Word of God to give me speech,
His heavenly host to be my guard.

I bind unto myself today
the strong name of the Trinity,
by invocation of the same
the Three in One, One in Three.

*The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by Jeff VanVonderen