Love covers Bad Moods

The other day I was in a bad mood. The type of mood where everyone is wrong, life is rotten, I can't cope and I don't want to anyway, type of mood. Probably depression of some variety. And like my usual over-analytical self, I tried to figure out the reason, thinking that if I knew the reason, then maybe I could deal with the cause and therefore solve the problem.

The first reason for my bad mood was sleep deprivation. It didn't take me long to realize that I hadn't really been sleeping the last three hours of the night. And the day before was crazy busy. And Eamon was fussy and just wanting to be cuddled which hinders good naps.

The other reasons were a bit more difficult. I wanted to blame Eamon or Thomas or somebody for letting me down, not telling me how wonderful I am, not being there to pick my moaning self off the floor. But then I realized that Lots of people had recently told me how valuable I was to them. The cast and crew of Everyman gave me a bouquet to thank me for my work, Thomas had been really sweet in taking care of Eamon. And Eamon wanted me all the time. It wasn't that I wasn't approved of or loved.

I just didn't believe it.

I didn't believe it because I didn't feel worthy of that love. I only came in at the end of the play, and really didn't do that much to help, at least compared to what I usually do with plays. My house was a wreck and I hadn't paid much attention to Thomas recently, so I didn't deserve him to love me. And I was mad at Eamon for being so clinging and fussy, so why would he love me?

So I wanted to deserve the love that I was given.

As soon as I realized that, I knew my problem. Love isn't given because it is deserved or earned. Love is a gift. If it ceases to be a gift, it ceases to be love. I had forgotten that because I didn't want love, I wanted worship. And I wanted to be worthy of that adulation, good enough to demand praise simply by existing. But I was incredibly lacking. I wanted to feel worthy of that praise because of something I had done. So even though I received praise, I didn't feel worthy, so the praise and love meant nothing to me.

So then I knew why I was in a bad mood, and the only way to break out of it was to accept that I was not worthy of love, but loved deeply anyway. You see how twisted around my brain was? I felt unworthy of love, but I wanted to be worthy, so the solution was to accept the love without feeling worthy. In fact, it was to admit what I felt to be true, so that I could accept what I knew to be true. It was so hard! I clung to wanting to be loved for something I did for so long.

Finally I gave in. I prayed that God would forgive me for trying to earn love, both His and my husband's, and my friends'. I admitted that I was a nasty person and didn't deserve the love of anybody, let alone His. Then I prayed that He would help me accept the love given to me and not try to earn it any more.

Then something happened: I fell asleep. When I woke up, the world was a brighter place. And I felt loved. Both problems had been solved. Bad mood defeated. God's love accepted. Love reignited.

The Summoning of Everyman

The first play Keith directed at ICS was The Summoning of Everyman. I came in the last ttwo weeks and helped pull last minute things together. Seven years later, he directed it again. Today is its last day to be performed. I only did costuming and a bit of props work, so I told Keith I felt like I was cheating - only coming in here and there, not really doing that much, but having lots of fun with the behind the scenes stuff. It was fun. I think it reminded both of us how much we like working together, and how well our perspectives compliment each other. I hope that we can do another production soon.

This version was adapted by Dr. David Kuhns and originally performed at Geneva College. It has both a Medieval and modern Everyman summoned by Death to make an appearance before God to be judged. They have one hour to prepare themselves. They seek Fellowship/Party Hearty, Kindred and Cousin, Goods and Riches/Mystuff before they finally seek Faith who makes that last trip with them. The way these two times play off each other can be difficult to follow if you are not listening carefully. The Medieval language is kept in the Medieval scenes, so it is sometimes hard going back and forth between Poetry and modern dialogue. However, it is this going back and forth that also brings it power. Everyone will die and face judgement, both in the past and in the present.

In this performance, the students do a good job portraying their story. They seem to understand the seriousness of the subject matter as well as know how to insert bits of comedy to lighten to mood. I am so proud of all of them. For most of the students this is their first ICS performance and it is exciting to see the talent we have coming through the ranks.

Tonight I am going to see it again. I hope to take pictures so I will have some to show you soon.

6 Months

I know I am a little late with this update, but we have had a crazy few weeks. It all started with Eamon's cold, which he so kindly shared with me. The end of the cold turned into a cough that lasted for about two weeks. He didn't have a fever or any other signs of sickness, but he would wake up coughing and coughing, and of course wake us up too. I began sleeping on the couch with him in a little seat beside me, and if the coughs got too bad, then I would sit up and let him sleep on me. We took him to the doctor, but she said that it was probably all the extra drool from teething getting caught in his throat.

That eased up, just in time for a growth spurt. The week after we went to the doctors for the cough, we returned for his 6 month check up. He had gained a pound in between the two visits. He got his shots, and was grumpy for the next few days. Then he began wanting to eat every 3-2 1/2 hours... all day and all night. So we started solids on a regular basis. We had given him little bits before, but never regularly. So far, green beans have made a hit. Rice cereal, not so much. And the chicken and gravy given to me by my sister-in-law made him gag. He also likes gumming apples, but recently he has been trying to get off chunks, so I have had to stop letting him suck on them. By the way, the teeth aren't showing yet.

He can sit supported and he is almost rolling from his back to his front. Today he was so close to doing before he got frustrated and gave up. I also discovered today that he has a snuggly. He wouldn't nap (20 minutes was average) all day long, but was so tired. Then I remembered his bear blanket that we usually wrap him in at night. He rubbed his face in it and cried, but within five minutes fell asleep and slept for an hour. I think he is also transitioning from napping every few hours to having two good naps, but he isn't quite there yet.

His favorite toys seem to be his plastic ducks and he enjoys bouncing in his bouncy seat. I also likes his various rattles. Of all his stuffed animals, he plays with Wuggie Norple (his cat) and Ferdinand (his cow) most often. The only one he doesn't like is my red Beary Christmas Bear. He doesn't like the feel of its fur in his mouth; he makes the funniest faces when he tried to eat it.





He likes pulling on things - phone cords, headphone cords, hoodie strings, necklace, hair... and his is rather strong. I have begun baby proofing the house, but keep realizing there are cords everywhere and he loves to pull on them! I guess we will have to start working on teaching him the meaning of "No" soon.

I need the Resurrection.

I'm reading The Chronicles of Narnia to Eamon while he fights his naps. Usually before I finish a chapter he is asleep. It is fun to read aloud again (I haven't since teaching Kindergarten) and they are such good books. I keep having new insights into them as I read.

In Prince Caspian, Lucy finally gets to talk to Aslan and he tells her that she must go back and wake the others and tell them to follow her and if they don't, she must leave them and follow Aslan alone.

"Oh dear, oh dear," said Lucy. "And I was so pleased at finding you again. And I thought you'd let me stay. And I thought you'd come roaring in and frighten all the enemies away--like last time. And now everything is horrid."

When I read this, I started thinking about what Aslan had done the last time. He rose from the dead, brought to life an army, then pounced on the witch. All the injured were healed and everyone lived happily.

Today, Easter, I could relate with Lucy. It is hard to follow Jesus. Sometimes he asks us to do difficult things. Sometimes it is difficult just to do what we know we ought to do. Sometimes it is hard to have faith that God is at work in certain situations. Sometimes I wonder if God really cares about the little things that trouble my soul. I want Christianity to be easy. I want Jesus to come in and make me pure through and through--just like last time.

Last time Jesus came, he lived a holy life. He loved and served people who didn't understand him. And he died for my sins. Then he rose from the dead and gave me new life in him. He filled me with his love and made me want to love all the people I interact with.

But sometimes right now, everything is horrid. I am horrid - I think mean thoughts, I get frustrated, I don't listen, being compassionate is difficult, I want to make certain people suffer the way they have made others suffer. Life can be full of trials - we aren't sleeping well, Thomas has migraines, I always have dishes to do, Eamon seems to always be crying, and my favorite soccer team didn't win the last game they played and they really should have.

I want Jesus to come into my life and sort everything out and make me comfortable and happy and nice. I want it to be easy to follow him and to be a Christian.

A few lines later...

"It is hard for you, little one," said Aslan. "But thins never happen the same way twice. It has been hard for us all in Narnia before now."
Lucy buried her head in his mane to hide from his face. But there must have been some magic in his mane. She could feel lion-strength going into her. Quite suddenly she sat up.
"I'm sorry, Aslan," she said. "I'm ready now."
"Now you are a lioness." said Aslan. "And now all Narnia will be renewed. But come. We have no time to loose."

 This made me remember this passage...

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come." Ephesians 1:18-21

But because of "last time" God has given me the power to face life right now. In fact, he has given me some incredible power - the same power that raised Christ from the dead is flowing through me! That is an amazing thought. Christianity and life may not always be easy, but I have some amazing power to deal with it.

God, like Aslan, knows it is difficult, but he isn't leaving me alone. He isn't asking me to do something impossible. He is giving me and will give all the strength I need. And by my following him, my world will be renewed. I will be renewed, my interactions and relationships will be renewed. My attitudes and emotions will be renewed. Each day I will be given the strength I need to face that day. And that is enough.

Lucy does what Aslan wants her to do, even though it is difficult and Susan is downright nasty to her...

"And so at last they got on the move. Lucy went first, biting her lip and trying not to say all the things she thought of saying to Susan. But she forgot them when she fixed her eyes on Aslan."

I think there is a lesson in that.

Costuming

There is a reason I am a costumer.

I love to sew and create things out of fabric. I love having a picture in my mind and watching it take shape in my hands. I love the challenge of altering a dress or outfit to make it look like I imagined it, but then be able to go back to its original look. I even enjoy taking dresses that are slightly immodest, and making them  fit to be worn by jr high girls, but look like they are middle aged women. But that isn't the entire reason.

I love to see the way a good costume makes the character come alive; when an actor puts on the costume and suddenly moves like the character and understands the character better. I love watching guys stand up straighter and move more gracefully when they put on a suit. And how a girl's face is transformed to be as pretty as she feels. And how a fur muff makes a high-schooler feel like a grumpy old lady. And how a leather jacket can give confidence, but when switched with horn rimmed glasses and a bowler makes that same actor timid and browbeaten. But that isn't the entire reason.

I love the way different fabrics move and feel. How some swish with the slightest movement and others drape elegantly and others slick uncomfortably to everything. I love making difficult fabric behave and covering up mistakes or previous alterations with the right bit of lace or ribbon. But that isn't the entire reason.

I love to play dress-up, pretending to be someone else for a moment. Feeling pretty in certain outfits, and practical in others and displaying different facets of my personality by what I wear. But even that isn't the entire reason.

The funny thing is that I rarely notice exactly what someone is wearing, just the overall impression it gives me. Whether the are fashion conscious or value comfort first, if they think too much about what they are wearing, or have a natural flair , or if the current trends match their personalities, or if their style is a simple classic look.

All those things tie into it, but aren't it exactly. You could say that it is a combination of all those things, but there is something more. I often use costuming to help me understand a character, and some of the character depends on the costume that feels right to the actor. The movement of the fabric enhances the movement of the person. Somehow the costume makes the character more real.

But perhaps I am just overthinking it and Mark Twain said it best. "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."