I beg your pardon again as I work through our leaving Reformed Doctrine and the church I grew up in. I bear no ill will toward people who believe such things, nor towards the church, however, it has been a major event in my life and I am still processing the ramifications of it. This post is really just trying to verbalize some thoughts that have been sloshing about in my head.
I stopped reading certain blogs a while ago. Prominent Reformed writers were challenging their readers to watch their time on Facebook, wake up at 5am, or not listen to talk-shows. Anything that wasn't specifically Christian had no place in the Christians life, that ruled out Oprah, U2, and much of English literature. While I had no problem with some of the specifics, others struck me as just silly. And I was very concerned and frustrated about what happened to these "encouragements."
Rather than practical examples of a principle, they became jots on a measuring stick of Christianity. If you had daily prayer time and family devotions, and went to every church service, you were a better Christian. It almost seemed as those who followed a list of rules had more "godly points" and felt they were closer to God than the average Christian. So I gave up on being a "Good Christian." I even wore pants to church on occasion.
Now mind you, I am not against prayer time, family devotions, or church attendance. In fact I am very much in favor of them and would encourage all Christians to practice them, as well as challenge myself to keep doing them. However, what I am opposed to is when they become the measure of my spirituality.
It wasn't as if other people were calling me out or judging me for not "following the rules;" it was a sense of moral inferiority, from myself. I used that list as a guideline for my life and I fell short, so I must be a bad or rebellious Christian. I didn't have very many "godly points" so God must not love me very much. And on a very personal note, I even struggled with the thought that my lack of godliness must have been the reason that I miscarried my first child.
Now as I work through all these rules and guidelines, I am seeing the wisdom of many of them, but I am also striving to see what is the real reason for those guidelines and how can I apply those reasons to my life. For example, the reason for waking up at 5 was to spend some uninterrupted time with God - so I can apply that by working that into my daily routine... sometimes that means praying while washing dishes, rather than sitting down and journaling, or reading a verse before I start washing and meditating on it while I clean. I might go for days without having a "Devotional Time," but I try to spend time listening and talking to God.
And what am I learning? I am learning again and again the depth of Jesus' love for me. He accepts me, even as he is remaking me. He approves of me, even while he is purifying me. He wants to be with me, just as I want to be with the people I love. And I am learning to apply that love to my life. Where there have been wrongs, I am learning to forgive, like God forgave me. Where there are disagreements, I am learning to disagree charitably. Where there are deep wounds, I am being healed.
It is a process though. So forgive me as I blunder through these issues, sharing my thoughts, probably coming down harder than I mean to on some issues, and perhaps sounding judgmental toward those who differ from me. I don't mind challenging people to think, but I don't want anyone to feel that I think less of them for disagreeing with me. So feel free to challenge my thoughts or share other comments.
One day while we were in Maine, our little family had a day just by ourselves. It had been rainy and wet, and the forecast called for more rain, so we decided to go into Ellsworth and look at shops. They were pretty average tourist-y shops, but we enjoyed looking at postcards and trinkets and tee-shirts. And Toys. Eamon especially loved the toys. What could be more exciting to a two year old than a toy store with bins of cars and trucks that he could try out! As soon as we opened the door Eamon said, "Oh wow, Wow, WOW!" We spent a long time (comparatively) in the toy store, and chose a toy for both boys. A musical rattle that particularly had attracted Malcolm (he cried every time I tried to swap it for something else) and a fire chief's truck for Eamon (but we kept the truck hidden.) We also got "Goodnight, Goodnight, Construction Site" because it is an important book.
Then we went back to the car. But as we went over we saw some firetrucks sitting outside the doors of the fire company. So we went to look at them. Eamon was very impressed. As we stood looking, a fireman came out and asked if he could help us, so we explained that our little boy liked firetrucks and firemen. He then turned on the lights of two of the trucks, and Eamon got all shy. But the fireman understood and got two kiddy fire helmets for the boys.
Each day these things happened, without fail, but each day they were different. I wondered if our view of God isn't like that. Perhaps he is never changing, but never the same. Or is it that he is always changing, but always the same. The sun didn't change from day to day, but our view of it did. And as we go through our lives, God doesn't change, but our understanding and experience of him does. Sometimes he seems far off, but other times we know his presence.