Merry Mid-Winter

Whenever I think of the first day of Winter or Mid-winter, I think of a Jill Barklem story that we read as children. It was about two mice, Wilfred and Primrose who are to recite a poem on Mid-Winter's Eve. When they tried to find a quiet place to practice, they discovered a secret staircase leading to a long-forgotten mouse palace. They find costumes and toys and almost forget about practicing. After the Yule Log is thrown on the fire, Wilfred and Primrose surprise the rest of the mice but keep their secret.

I haven't celebrated Mid-Winter before, but last Wednesday I did bake a Buche de Noel (Yule Log) for our weekly dinner. It was a chocolate sponge cake "jelly-roll." I put fudge icing in the middle and covered it with chocolate buttercream icing. I cut one end off and attached it to form a V-shape. Then I sprinkled it with Andes Mints so it looked like a lichen covered fork of a tree. I also made little meringue mushrooms. It looked amazing and tasted absolutely delicious too. It was very unhealthy with all the butter and eggs, but when it was split between 9 people, nobody got too much. The little children at the meal seemed to really enjoy the meringues and chocolate icing. I like pleasing the little children as well as the grown-ups.

Now in 3 days it will be Christmas! Merry Christmas, everybody!

Church

I didn't want to go to church today and that got me thinking. We hear regularly that it should be a delight to spend the Lord's Day with His people. We are told that we ought be encouraged and convicted by the preaching of God's Word and refreshed by the worship of His Name. But I didn't want to go to church today.

It wasn't that I didn't want to be around people or hear preaching or sing or pray or any of that. I just didn't want to go out in the rain and be confronted by my grumpy, headache-y self every time someone said "good morning" to me. But we did go to church, and the Christmas ICS fellowship meal afterward. And it was good.

My headache did go away, although it is back now. I didn't stay grumpy. And it warmed up a bit so the rain didn't freeze when it hit the ground and windows. But what made it best was something that our pastor said in passing as an example of something, but I don't quite remember what.

He said that when his wife asks him to make her some tea, he doesn't think about how lazy she is or how disappointing for her to ask and not do it her self. He is delighted because now he knows how to show her that he loves her. He wants to show that all the time, but sometimes doesn't know how, so when she asks him to do something for her, he now knows how to love her.

The pastor went on with the sermon, but that little story changed my whole perspective on church. I don't come to church because it is good for me or reflective of my spiritual walk or anything like that. I go to church because that is one way I get to show God how much I love him. Church is not for me, but it is something he asks me to do, and because I love him, I want to go. But because God is wonderful, church is good for me and when I go to church for Him, I also benefit from it.

That doesn't mean I don't have problems with our church and some things bring weekly struggles with frustration and cynicism, but that is a result from living in a sinful world and "being transformed by the renewing of [my] mind." Circumstances won't really change that, and no matter where I go, I will probably struggle with frustration and cynicism.

But the really exciting thing is that whenever Christ's loving death for my sins is preached, my soul is moved to praise because I know that all my sins, and the sins of those I am worshiping with, are atoned for. Together we stand blameless before God, even if we don't agree in the way we worship together.

Thankfuls

God and all that He is.

Thomas - I love you, Babe!
Love - the foundation for my life.
Daddy and Mom - where would I be without you.
Beauty - through which we can see God.
Brothers and Sisters (and sisters-in-law, though I don't have pictures.)
Friends - all 145 of you.
Music - the mysterious connection of physical and spiritual
Books - through which we can learn and be entertained.
(FYI: The picture is reversed because I took it with Photobooth)
My House, even if it doesn't let in more sunlight and the dining room lights don't work.
Clothes - for warmth and protection as well as beauty.
And a wonderful, mysterious, beautiful world to discover more of everyday.

Shopping

When I get home from a shopping trip, not just a grocery shopping trip, but a real one, with clothes or shoes or stuff like that, I always want to show everyone what I got. Well today, we went shopping with some birthday money.

Thomas got a pair of jeans and a pair of corduroy pants and some socks.

I got a blue button up shirt, a brown and tan ribbed sweater, black pants and a white long sleeve T-shirt. I couldn't find any boots I really liked or any dress black shoes or a white button up shirt, but I was please with my finds. I have been realizing that I don't have any white dress shirts without stains on them. And I have been getting a little tired of the clothes I have. I made two dresses, but they are summer dresses, and I am working on a third, but I don't know what shoes will go with it. I am making mostly to experiment with a new pattern - see how it fits, how easy it is to sew, how it can be altered, etc.

In other news, the play is over and I am beginning to settle back into life and daily chores. I have yet to clean the attic and the dinning room table, but improvements have been made. I also will probably get to cook the Thanksgiving turkey, which I have never done before, but is a little exciting. And finally Chelsea FC is at the top of the Premier League and I hope stays there!

Crime and Punishment Quote

...and the one who will take pity on me is him that hath pity for all men and whose wisdom passeth all understanding, he alone, he is our judge. He will come this day, and inquire: "And where is the daughter that hath not spared herself for the sake of her harsh-tongued and consumptive stepmother and for young children that are not her own kith and kin? Where is the daughter who took pity on her earthly father, an obscene drunkard, undismayed by his bestial nature?"

And he will say to her: "Come unto me! I have already forgiven thee once... Forgiven thee once.. Thy sins, which are many, are forgiven; for thou loved much..." And he'll forgive my Sonya, he'll forgiver her, I know he will... I felt that then, when I went to see her, felt it in my heart! ...And he will judge and forgive everyone, the good and the bad, the wise and the meek...

And when he is done with them, he will raise up his voice to us, saying unto us: "Come out, ye drunkards, come out, O ye that are weak, come out, ye that live in shame!" And we shall come out, and shall not be ashamed, and shall stand before him. And he will say unto us; "Ye are as swine! Made in the image of the Beast, and marked with his brand; but come ye also!"

And the wise and the learned will raise up their voices, saying: "Lord! Why dost thou receive them?" And he will say unto them: "Because they none of them ever believed themselves worthy of it..." And he will stretch out his hand to us and we shall fall down... and weep... and understand everything! Then we will understand everything!... everyone will understand... even Katerina Ivanovna... even she will understand... O Lord, thy kingdom come!

~Marmeladov, in drunken inspiration

Reflections

I remember the feeling after As You Like It ended. There was a sense of lost-ness, as if I didn't quite know where to go from here. As I sat there, remembered the rehearsal process, acting with Thomas, first as the Duke then as Orlando. I remembered the rush of adrenaline as I couldn't remember any of my lines, but just let my character take over and say the lines we had rehearsed forever. I remembered the curtain call, looking out at smiling faces shining in the reflected light, and seeing their delight and pride at a job well done. They gave us a standing ovation the first night. And as I stepped forward to take my bow, I realized that they were clapping for me. Not just for what we as a group had done, but for me. And I felt very small. And then I remembered Thomas spinning me around in his arms as he carried me off the stage. As I sat there, I knew that my life had been forever changed. Something had started even at the end of it all.

Tonight as Alice in Wonderland closed and I shut off all the lights, I remembered that night in Town Hall, sitting on the stage, remembering the applause and shining faces. I remembered the empty stillness of the room and the peace that filled my heart as I left, turning off the lights, back to my dorm room to write a paper.

That was almost 7 years ago now. I have directed 6 plays and worked on three others. Each play is another step, another lesson, another example of God's provision. The same peace that filled me at the end As You Like It filled me again tonight as I walked out of another darkened building. But tonight, instead of anticipation, there was also a sense of satisfaction. We had given this play to God, and He had accomplished it. All the applause was for God; I have done a lot, but it would have been pointless had God not taken over. "Unless the Lord [direct the play] the workers labor in vain." He did use me to direct this play and now he tells me, "Well done, good and faithful servant." And I am satisfied.

Tomorrow

I am not ready for tomorrow. I would like another day between now and tomorrow, a day where I can stay at home, clean my house, wash the laundry, finish the costumes, do lesson plans, sleep, read a good book, and generally know for sure I am ready for Thursday. But no, that is not the way the world works. So I will do what I can tonight and face tomorrow when it comes.

Oh, by the way, the play opens tomorrow.

The Play

It is play season yet again. Eight days, four practices, one day of vignettes at the mall, one preview at chapel, one live TV interview, 20+ costume pieces to sew, I haven't counted the props yet, a program to make and a chapel message to finish.

This morning, when I got to school and realized how much I had to do, I wanted to just give up. But as the day went along, I got some help from people. Little things really; an encouraging word, help cutting and gluing, conversation, support, hugs, and I am sure prayers. They meant so much and by the time I left school, almost 9.5 hours later, I was not ready to give up, but ready to keep working. God's love shown through the lives of these people.

There were other people this week who didn't help, though I'm sure they meant well. They made me feel like I was the cause of all my trials and changing was the solution. There were some who didn't listen to me, who didn't care what I thought or felt, who wanted to fix me before they heard what the problem was, who asked how I was but didn't seem to really want to know.

It made me think. How often am I the type of person who well-meaning-ly tears people down? I am afraid to answer that because I know too often I do tell people the solution, rather than listen for the real problems. I don't know how to be firm, yet loving; kind, yet productive. This whole "speaking the truth in love" is often lost on me. I can get the truth and I can get the love, but together... well, not usually.

Perhaps I am too self-critical, but I don't want to be like the people whose best intentions pushed me to the ground, whose expectations were burdensome, and whose kind thoughts came out in "you should have..." I want to be the one who shares good news, peace, love, support, because in the face of all things, I have access to the source of good news, peace, love and support.

I shouldn't be blogging

I have too much to do and I shouldn't be blogging so it won't be long but I wanted to say that we got a slip cover for our couch now and it is a beige canvas and looks nice in our living room now. I am still working on the cushions but won't really work on them until after all the play costuming is done. Speaking of such things, I really need to sew some costume pieces but keep putting it off because the number of them is scaring me and it seems more fun to sit at my computer and get sore wrists...

bye now

My life is like a box of chocolates

Chocolate Carmel. In one month, we will be finishing up the play. I am beginning to realize how much I have to do. Being the director and the art department is good, but I forgot that I had to do both. So many people have offered help, I just need to get back to all of them now. Next week we are off book and we are beginning to have lots of props so the kids are getting excited.

Chocolate Truffle. I am really enjoying fall. I know it is wet and windy and cold and cloudy, but it is so invigorating to hear the wind and the leaves are beautiful, and my head are heart are amazed by the beauty.

Chocolate Covered Strawberry. I have been reading Annotated Alice again. The Alice stories are so full of word humor, inside jokes, puns, funny images, and I love it. It has been so good to read it while directing because then we can bring out some of this richness that didn't make it into the play. However, trying to find a suitable tune for "Beautiful Soup" has been very difficult.

Mocha: The Christmas Pageant is beginning to happen. We now have 14 people, only 5 actors, but we might ask the others to say something too. The next step is giving out scripts and asking people to do specific parts. Then work up a practice schedule... ugh. I really don't like making practice schedules. I always forget something or someone can't come on a really important date or something else happens. I try though.

Vanilla Chocolate. We got a new couch and the couch that I have had since... a long time ago, has been taken away to be burned. There is a mixture of sadness and relief. The old couch was old and falling apart and getting uncomfortable, but there were so many memories of it. I laid down on it one last time before it got taken away and though of how many times I had napped there, slept there all night, done my homework on it, flopped on it, cuddled on it, and I got very melancholy. But Thomas was so glad to be done with it because it really was getting to be rather uncomfortable for long periods of time, that I didn't stay sad for long. The new couch is pastel blue and looks like something out of the "Little Mermaid." It is not quite hideous, but it is far from lovely. We will have to get a slip cover for it.

Mississippi Mud. I have a wonderful husband. (This truffle has been known to make me do a happy little dance as I eat it. It is one of my absolute favorite type. It is a soft dark chocolate center with a dark chocolate outside... oooh, just the thought of it is making my mouth water.)

I am a rock

A rock is beaten by ocean waves, little bits broken off with each encounter, worn down but covered with cracks. The waves are gentle sometimes, but they still wear down the rock. The hard waves sometimes break off huge chunks. But the rock doesn't move. It doesn't go to another place. It just sits there, letting the waves wear it down, as if it knows that anywhere it goes something will be there to break it or crush it or wear it down.

But some of the most beautiful sea coasts are made from these broken pieces of rock. Not only as it turns into sand, but also the rocky beaches where the waves crash and foam. By this constant beating, beautiful things are made, things that people appreciate and enjoy. Would I really rather it any other way?

New Haircut Again and Voice Lesson

I got my hair cut again. It is the shortest yet. It didn't turn out quite like I envisioned it, but I still like it. I tried taking a picture with Photobooth, but I look terrible this morning... red eyes, messy hair, tired smile... so bad I didn't want to try any more. It doesn't help that I haven't put in my contacts yet because my eyes were tired of them, so maybe I will try again later.

Thomas got his hair cut too. He looks really good. So classy. It is amazing how much younger he looks when he trims his beard and gets a hair cut. But I think he is such a handsome guy anyway. And he has a really sweet singing voice.

We have both begun taking voice lessons. I have had about four and he has had two now. I love it. It has made me more conscious of singing regularly and more confident about singing on my own. Just the thing I need for teaching music to K-8th graders. I also just realized that I do what I don't want my actors to do. I direct myself, rather than letting my teacher hear and teach me. I have this nasty break in my voice between my upper and lower registers. When I am singing, I back off through that break so nobody can hear it. If I feel like I will not be able to make a nice sound, I just sing quieter. My teacher is showing me though, that if support that sound and don't pull back, my voice doesn't do anything crazy like crack or squeak, but smoothly transitions between the registers.

She is a really good teacher too. She is full of positive criticism. She is good a improvising exercises that will suit my voice. And she uses visual images to describe thought processes. Like when I am singing over that break, she told me to imagine my bellybutton connected to my uvula connected to the tip of my head and the sound just slides up. Amazingly, however weird that sounds, it works. and when I come down, I picture little hills that I have to come down, but there is always another peak to go back up.

We also talked about what to do with hands while singing. They are supposed to be by my sides so now I have to practice not holding them in front of me so I don't look like I am one of the children from Sound of Music. My shoulders tend to tighten up when I let them hang, so I am working on relaxing my shoulders, thinking about little hills, memorizing the words...

My teacher says that singing is 90% mental work. I would have to agree, but I still sing best when I just let it come out of me and don't think about it too much. Once again a balance between relaxing and control. What good lessons for me to learn.

Thomas is taking lessons too. He has an amazing range and such a gentle voice. It is absolutely gorgeous. And the song he is learning is called Homeward Bound. It is about being free to wander but always coming home. When I hear him sing it, I get warm fuzzies all over. And as much as I like listening to the trained voices of Il Divo, I would rather listen to my man.

This is tending toward a long post so I will mention one more thing. I am trying to design a Cheshire Cat Costume. But it can't be too classy or purple at all or just a pair of pajamas. And what to do about his face? Mask? Make-up? How do you get a smile all the time? Any suggestions are welcome.

Sleep and Rest

I like being able to sleep at night. However, last night was one of those nights when I didn't get to very much. I woke up around 3 and didn't really fall back asleep until after I got up and showered at 6. It is now around 1:00 in the afternoon and I am beginning to feel a nap coming on. Unfortunately, I can't because I need to plan a drama rehearsal/orientation/get-to-know-you time for this afternoon. We were going to read some of the play, but I don't think the scripts have come in yet. If they have, we might read some of it... maybe. I might just save that for tomorrow.

I am very excited about this play. I am writing this now, because in a month I will probably need to hear/read it. There are a lot of young cast members, but I think they can do it. Scheduling was absolutely crazy, and I have a terrible feeling I forgot something or we won't have enough time or all the little details will fall through the cracks. And I don't know how I will keep up with Latin and the play and music class. When I think about it, it doesn't seem like a lot and I should just be able to breeze through everything, but it doesn't work that way in real life. Things take a lot longer than they should, I get distracted, problems come up, others fall through on their end, etc.

People have been asking me what I have been doing in all my spare time - now that I am not teaching Kindergarten. Well, reading BBC news, studying Latin, reading, washing dishes, making up stories and sometimes staring off in to nowhere seems to fill up my time pretty well. But the nice thing is that I am not terribly stressed about it all. In fact, I was just noticing how smoothly my current life is going. And I am really thankful to God for that. However, I am also noticing that because everything is going easily, I am getting a little slack at seeking him and listening to him.

It strikes me that the prayer in the Proverbs 30:7-9 has lots of significance besides wealth.

Two things I ask of you;
deny them not to me before I die:
Remove far from me falsehood and lying;
give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
lest I be full and deny you
and say, Who is the LORD?
or lest I be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God.

He is praying that God would keep him in a place where he has to trust Him. And that his response to all things would be humble honesty. I want that too. But sometimes I am too afraid to ask God this because I know he will answer me. It is hard to be in a place where I must constantly rely on God because then I am must acknowledge I have no control over what happens, only what I do. And I must take responsibility for that. It would seem to be so much easier if I could be in control of it all, or in control of nothing. But as it is, God is control of it all, and I am in control of my response to it. This balancing act of trusting God is good for me, but I am scared to step out onto the wire.

It is kind of funny then that the safest place for me is one where I am most scared.

Inconsistency

Sometimes I get all worked up because life isn't consistent. People are consistent. Nothing every follows the rules and there are exceptions to most rules.

Then I realize that I am really upset at myself because I am not consistent.

Like tonight. I was ranting because the reformed church seems to focus so much on the law and getting things right and not really paying attention to what separated them from the Roman Catholic Church in the first place - salvation through faith alone.

Then I realized that in my rant, I was focusing on the "law of how things ought to be", and not extending the grace and love that I wanted the church to emulate.

So guess what? Life is messed up. People aren't perfect and even the Body of Christ will let you down. The focus is always out of focus and rarely can anyone see clearly.

But into that messed up world, Jesus came. He "broke rules" of nature, of the order of things, of how things "ought to be." Think of it, "a virgin shall be with child," "the blind shall see, the lame walk," and "the dead shall rise again." He talked and played with children. He cleared out the temple. He spoke to a Samaritan woman. And He was perfect, did nothing wrong, but died as a thief and liar.

And in that messed up world, Jesus loved. And it was his love that broke the boundaries. That love clarified what ought to be and separated it from what people thought it ought to be. His love showed us that inconsistencies in life are opportunities to love.

First Day of School

Although it was the fifth day of school for the students I was teaching, it was my first day. I discovered that I am probably a very boring teacher. It was very disheartening to teach 5-8 grade anything. They just stared at me like I was from a different planet or didn't make any sense.

However, now I know better what they know, so I can make my lesson plans a little more enjoyable and exciting - hopefully at least.

Not on Quaratine

Yippee! Hooray!

And I feel so much better. I still have this horrible cough, but I didn't wake up coughing last night. I just woke up at 5:00 for some silly reason. Maybe my body feels guilty for not being at school. I am looking forward to seeing people now. My friend down the street has been a wonderful encouragement this week. I praise God for her again and again.

I love you, MM. :-)

Sickness and other thoughts

I am sick, but no, I am not pregnant, which always seems to be the next question. In fact, the type of sick that I am is not related to an upset stomach at all. It has been a nasty chest cold. I am still coughing and my nose is runny, but I feel much better than I did last weekend.

Every time I get sick I am reminded how thankful that I am not sick more often, that I don't have worse allergy or asthma problem, that it isn't nearly as bad as the first year of marriage. But this time I have also been thinking about how my sickness reminds me how sweet my husband is. He has made dinner a few times, gone shopping for me, cleaned the bathroom, and sat in the same room as me, even though we weren't talking or anything. We are being as careful as we can about sharing germs, but that means we get to spend more time talking and listening to one another. It has made me appreciate him so much more.

Being sick has also kept me away from school. It hasn't quite sunk in that school has started without me. My first day is still coming, and I am looking forward to it. I am also more prepared than I was for last Tuesday, when my school started. It has also given me an opportunity to spend time getting ready for the play. Auditions are on Tuesday and Thursday. Then the craziness begins. I can hardly wait.

Shoe Shopping

I wear size 6 when it comes to sneakers. Not 6.5 or 8 or 11 or 9 or any other size stores like to have in stock, but size 6. And I like blue sneakers, or at least sneakers with blue on them, not pink or teal or plain white or any of the other colors that stores like to have in stock, but blue.

Maybe I am picky, but I really didn't want to have to wear Hannah Montana sneakers, which seemed at first all I could find in my size. So after visiting 4 shoe stores in one mall and 3 in another and finding absolutely nothing in my size in the color that I wanted, never mind the price, the lady at J C Penny offered to order some in my size. Wasn't that sweet of her? I didn't even have to ask her to order them, she just offered. We took the offer and hopefully sometime this week I will have new sneakers, size 6, white with light blue and silver designs, for a lower price than any I had found in the stores.

I am excited. I like new sneakers. My next quest in shoe shopping is some black dress shoes that have a small heel and don't look like I am trying to be a teenager. Oh, I would like to replace my tall black boots too.

Oh, the trials of being the shoe size of a junior high girl... and being very particular about my shoes.

Philadelphia

Yesterday, I went to Philly for the first time to really sight see. I have been to the art museum and the Franklin Institute and the zoo, but never to walk around and really see Philadelphia. But we really went for the food. We had to go to the Reading Terminal Market (?) for world food and Jim's for cheese-steaks sandwiches. I got a Middle Eastern spinach and cheese pie made with spinach (I wasn't expecting that) feta cheese, olive oil and a vinegar of some sort all wrapped in a yummy pastry similar to the pastry of baklava but not sweet. It was delicious. The cheese steak was very good. I split one with my friend, so we would have more room for ice cream. We had to leave the city before we got ice cream, so we stopped a Giant and got those little pint cups and ate them. I thought I was going to be disappointed because we didn't have ice cream cones, but I got some Haagen-dazs dark chocolate and Thomas got mint so I was happy.

We took the scenic way in, along the river, where there were lots of runners and bicyclers and people on boats (I can't remember want the group boating races are called - where there are three to eight people all rowing - but it looked like there was a race going on as we drove by.) Then we stopped by the art museum for the bathroom and the steps, but we soon drove down town to find a parking garage (a specific garage, mind you) and went to eat. After we ate we went to the Kimmel Performing Art Center, which was beautiful. It is like two great big concert halls inside a glass domed building. On top of one of the halls was a "tree garden" in the boiling heat, right near the top of the building. The view was magnificent from up there, but it was also really stinking (literally) hot up there. Even though the concert halls were closed, the lady there let us go in to one. It was shaped like the body of a cello and was absolutely beautiful. It reminded me of my dream to sing on a stage like that. There was an organ there too. I believe she said it was the largest organ inside a concert hall in the US, but I might have overheard incorrectly.

We then drove down South Street, saw some murals, and stopped briefly at the crazy mosaics. The guy made them out of all sorts of "junk" like bicycle tires and glass bottles and broken plates, but the walls and ground was covered with it. It was really quite impressive and fascinating. After we found another parking spot we walked to see some historical sights, like the Liberty Bell, which Thomas had the urge to touch, but resisted manfully. After walking around a bit we made it to Franklin Square and the museum there. You could peek down through some windows in the ground to see the original foundation of his house as well as the "privy pit." There were all sorts of interesting historical facts around and in the museum you could "call" historical figures on a phone. Unfortunately my phone didn't work, so I could not speak with the dead folks, I mean, listen to the recordings that people made so it would sound like the dead people were telling you stuff.

Then we walked back to South street and had our cheese-steak sandwiches, which we had to wait an hour for. Then we came home, hot, sticky, and exhausted but we had had an enjoyable time.

Human

You know, people are complicated. Everybody has so many nuances and facets and layers. But there are things that we all relate to. Things that make us human.

We all want to feel loved and we all want to love.

We all know what it means to be lonely, and afraid, and angry.

We all long for peace and happiness.

We know how to laugh, and we like to do it.

We have been hurt, betrayed, or let down, and we don't like it.

We like stories and music.

We enjoy things that make us think or feel, even if we don't like what we are thinking or feeling.

And more...

You tell me. What makes us human and connects us with every other person that is alive and has ever lived? 

Forget not all his benefits...

Kate said it. "God is so good, Carrie, God is so good."

And he is. Sometimes we forget, sometimes we are not paying attention, sometimes we don't understand, and sometimes we don't know how to say anything else. God is good.

How is God good? Well, last week was awful. I had to sleep sitting up for three nights because of a cough/persistent tickle in my throat. So I didn't really sleep well and neither do Thomas. And I had a pretty bad attitude because I was tired. So poor Thomas couldn't do anything right and neither could I. And I was just grumpy and crabby and nasty. But God was good and still is.

But He still loves me. He forgives all my iniquities, heals all my diseases, redeems my life from the pit, crowns me with steadfast love and mercy, and satisfies me with good things so that my youth is renewed like the eagles. (paraphrase of Psalm 103)

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

and all that is within me,

bless his holy name!

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits.

God is so good.

And don't forget it, Carrie Joy. :-)

Good-bye Kindergarten

I am officially out of the Kindergarten classroom. I left it slightly messy, so I will go back and help the new Kindergarten teacher clean up, take down posters, and such. Even though I will not be teaching Kindergarten, I will still be teaching - Latin and Music - and directing the play. So it looks like it will be a busy fall at least. I might be directing the church Christmas pageant too. Looking at my calendar is a little daunting, especially when I realize that I will need to do lots of new lesson plans, nothing to fall back on or anything.

I am still trying not to think about leaving Kindergarten too much. When I do, I am a mixture of melancholy and excitement. I am excited about the new possibilities for this year. It is especially good to be an at-home wife, making the house a home and being more regular with the chores and all. I am also enjoying getting back into Latin and am looking forward to teaching kiddies to enjoy and create music. But, at the same time, I am sad to not be able to see my little baby Kindergartners grow into big boys and girls. I will miss their hugs and bright eyes and stories. I will miss not having a classroom to make my own. I will miss being part of the teacher things. I am not looking forward to being on the outside edge of the happenings at school.

This just seems to be the next step in figuring out what to do when I grow up. I often think that if I knew what God wanted me to do with my life, I could better pursue actions that will prepare me for whatever it is. But I also know that this is then right thing to do, even if I don't know what God is preparing me for.

Pride and Prejudice

"There are such people [those who make a joke of even the wisest and best people and their actions], but I hope I am not one of them. I hope I never ridicule what is wise or good. Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies do divert me, I own, and I laugh at them whenever I can."

This is one statement of Elizabeth Bennett's that relate very much to. 

Some of the most frustrating things in life are the inconsistencies of people. Unfortunately I don't always just laugh to divert myself, but use such inconsistencies as food for sarcasm. I am trying to keep my snark to a minimum and keep mum when I think of something snarky to say, but sometimes I really get myself into trouble... not unlike Elizabeth herself.

News Update!

We have wireless internet at our house! So now I can browse the internet far into the night....

Les Miserables

After 11 years of wishing, Friday evening I saw a production of Les Miserables.

I was first introduced to Les Miserables in 1998 while on a mission trip to Jamaica. At the time, I was really into Phantom of the Opera, and a man who was part of the church let me and my friend borrow the two CD set over night. We had a portable CD player and a set of headphones. We turned up the volume and got as close as we could, each sharing an ear of the headset. It was, of course, hard to listen that way, but it intrigued me.

My senior year, the highschool choir I was part of "sight sang" a medley of Les Miserables music, but it was still rather unfamiliar. When I got to college, one of my roommates had a CD of the "best numbers" that I borrowed and memorized. I also read various synopsises of the musical and want to see it, but I was a poor college student without the funds to even buy my own CD of the music. I also watched the Liam Neison version of the story, and felt like it ended in an odd place, but I didn't know that half the story was missing. Shortly after that, Focus on the Family Radio Theater did a recording of the story. I listened to it again and again, and the differences between the various versions was enough to make me want to read the book.

During the year before I got married, I began the book. I loved it. I remember very clearly sitting in the Philadelphia airport, reading about the battle of Waterloo while my flight that was going to take me to my fiancee got delayed again and again. I didn't finish it before we got married though, but my wonderful husband got me two CD sets - one the complete recording, the other the 10th anniversary recording. The following summer, I finished the book. I cried and cried as I read the ending. It was sad, but I cried because it was beautiful. I loved it. And knowing all the backstories that you get in the book, the musical was all the better.

Since then, I have listened to the CD's many times, found out after the fact that it was being performed nearby, missed another performance, and hear about many of my friends seeing it.

Then we were invited to watch it this year. Unfortunately we couldn't go with the group of friends, but we were able to go this past weekend. And that friend who I shared headphones with, so many years ago, and her husband met us there.  Isn't that pretty cool?

The performance was amazing too. The story and music are great and this performance did it justice. I am thrilled just remembering it. I would go again if I were able to, but I now am interested in watching another performance and see what else can be done with it.

But, you know, somewhere, in my castle in the clouds, I am part of a performance, singing my heart out.

Main Pictures

My sister and me! And it looks like I am taller - kind of funny if you ask me.

Thomas way of enjoying the ocean - throwing rocks - or conjuring them back to shore...

The boys on the Bar Island Cairn.

The girls on the Bar Island Cairn.

Collecting shells, rocks, living creatures...

Pemaquid Point, one of our favorite places.

The waves were magnificent. You could catch the scent of the roses mingled with the sea smell.

Questions

For God so loved the world...

What does it mean to love? And how does it apply to the world? Does it mean only people? Or does He also love the plants and animals and pieces of art and technology?

that He sent His only begotten Son...

Did Christ's death and resurrection somehow redeem not only people, but also bring plants and animals and arts and technology and everything else back into a correspondence with God?

And what does it mean to love? Does this love only apply to people? Can I apply the love chapter (1Cor 13) to movies and books? Am I making a stretch here? Or can this train of thought be expanded?

Maine Trip

I love Maine. My favorite part is the ocean. The smell. The endless beating of the waves against the rocks. The spray.  The rhythm of the tides. The depth and wildness, danger and excitement. The little animals on rocks and in tide pools. Standing on the edge of a rock knowing that if I took two more steps I would be swept out to sea, but I am completely safe where I am. Feeling the wind pull stray hairs out and coat them with salt spray. Breathing the tangy dead fish air, and being glad that I don't have to eat anything that tastes that way if I don't want to.

This year was no different. I love the ocean. I didn't sit and watch it for as long as I have in the past. I felt like I had to keep moving and keep track of where everyone else was so I wasn't holding them up, or so Thomas wasn't too far away and was enjoying himself. But that was ok. I enjoyed it in a different way. I enjoyed watching others enjoy it in their own different ways. 

We didn't hike as much either partly because it was raining for half the week and partly because I twisted my ankle on Wednesday. It hurt like crazy for the first minute or so, but then it began to feel better. I had to baby it (and sometime still do) but I had gotten some high top hiking boot/sneaker things so they supported it amazingly. The next day it turned nice and black and blue, but it only really hurt if I put my full weight on it all of a sudden, like when I stepped down. It was good for me though, because I had to be more careful rather than try to keep up with my brother and sister. It really didn't keep me from much that I really wanted to do.

The vacation also made me realize that though I am still part of my family, Thomas and I are starting our own family. We do things certain ways, we think and plan certain ways and it is different from our families and that is good. I have been noticing how similar I am to my mom and dad, but it was also eye-opening to see how different my life has become. Daddy said that this would probably be our last family vacation and he is probably right. It is time to start our own traditions and journeys. That realization gave the ending a bittersweet feel. 

But it all fell into the proper place as I reached my own home and hugged my family goodbye as they went to their own homes too.

School is Out!

June 10, 2009, 11:30 am, my school dismissed its last child of the school year. And all the teachers breathed a sigh of relief.

June 15, 2009, 2:00 pm, I turned in my grades for the year. And I breathed a great sigh of relief and watched youtube videos and stuff for a long time to celebrate.

In between those two dates, my brother got married!

Now summer has officially begun (OK, not really "officially," because that won't happen until the 20th or something). I have sewn a dress, made my husband cheese straws, planned a yummy dinner for him, celebrated my younger brother's birthday, sewn a veil, written stuff, recorded some music (not very good - I didn't stay on key because it was a cappella and I was trying to sing with myself, but I did it), washed dishes, cleaned the bathroom, read magazines and books and generally not applied my mind to anything hugely, but let myself think and feel about stuff without over analyzing everything.

As a thank you gift from one of my students parents, I received a Kena, a peruvian flute. It is absolutely beautiful and I am learning to play it. It has so much heart (and takes so much breath.) To play, you must blow over a notch in the end - similar to a recorder notch, but with the mouth piece, so you have to position your mouth correctly. Some days I can get it right away and sometimes I can't at all. But I am learning and having a lot of fun with it. Now I need to learn how Peruvian music sounds.

Jesus

I know what the gospel is. I have heard it all my life. But recently it has become all the more beautiful. I have begun to realize that my life is all about Jesus.

Not that I live that way...

When I do what I believe is right, when I work hard at something God wants me to do, when I do my best at the little things of life, when I give God the glory rather than building up my pride, I know that my life is about Jesus. I love him so much that I want to be just like him, even it it means dying like him.

But when I mess up, when I condemn myself, when I think I am doing so good that I can't see how mean I am being, when I do dumb stuff, when I purposefully say something cynical or nasty, I have a harder time seeing my life to be about God. But that is where the Gospel comes in.

I can't escape it.

The Gospel says that God is so great and holy, and I am horrible and disgusting and deserve all the bad things that could happen to me and more. In fact, I am so bad that I should just curl up and die a horrible death. But Jesus did that for me. This man, so kind and compassionate, so perfect, so strong and wise, loved me so much that he died so that I don't have to. Now when God looks at me, he doesn't see that horrible, ugly person anymore. He sees the beauty of Christ growing in me. And he loves me.

And if God doesn't see that horrible, ugly person, then I have no right to keep looking at her either. God sees Jesus, so I get to keep looking at Jesus too. That means that when I do what is right, I get to look at Jesus. And when I do what is wrong, I get to look at Jesus. And when I am happy, Jesus makes me happier. And when I am sad, Jesus comforts me. And when I do good, Jesus gets the glory. And when I do bad, Jesus looks all the better.

It is all about Jesus.

For to me, to live is Jesus Christ.

Inertia

If I remember correctly, the law of inertia states that an object at rest will stay at rest and an object in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force. Friction and gravity are often outside forces that stop an object in motion. However, that initial force that gets an object to move can be lots of things, your hand, wind, a car...

I have a lot of inertia. Once I get moving I can keep moving for a while. In fact, I usually enjoy doing stuff that I start doing. But that initial force - well, it has to be an outside force. There is nothing inside me that wants to get up and get stuff done. I am naturally a lazy bum. That outside force has to be strong. I can be pretty stubborn. And it has to overcome other forces, such as apathy and over-analysis.

The world is sleeping in the dark
That the church just can't fight
Cause it's asleep in the light
How can you be so dead
When you've been so well fed
Jesus rose from the grave
And you, you can't even get out of bed

~Keith Green

But the Holy Spirit is a powerful force. He works through conviction, antsy-ness, and love. He speaks through others, through Scripture, and sometimes directly to my heart. And he gives me power - power that raised Christ from the dead. But he provides a place to rest too, a rest for the body and for the soul, rest from myself.

Make my life a prayer to You
I want to do what you want me to
No empty words and no white lies
No token prayers no compromise

I want to shine the light You gave
Through Your Son You sent to save us
From ourselves and our despair
It comforts me to know You're really there

I wanna die and let You give
Your life to me so I might live
And share the hope You gave me
The love that set me free

~Keith Green

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain the resurrection from the dead.

~Apostle Paul (Phil. 3:10-11)

This past month

So, what have I been up to this past month? Reading, getting caught up on laundry, hoping that I didn't have pneumonia, watching movies (kinda), grading papers, hanging with my man, thinking a whole lot about music and the church, and various other everyday sorts of things.

Reading: Witch of Blackbird Pond by Elizabeth George Speare; It has become one of my favorite books recently. There are so many rich characters that it sometimes seems that I know them personally. Though it offers a critique of Puritanism, the author doesn't push a message rather than tell the story. Through Kit, we learn there is value to the "Puritan" virtues of discipline, hard work, and seriousness. Where there are condemnation and hatred, we see the fear and bitterness that motivates them. And it lets us see the answer to the dichotomy between law and lawlessness.

The Theif Lord by Cornelia Funke; It is a fun fast read. I wouldn't call it in depth at all, but I would say that it was better than the movie. My favorite part is the way that she ties in magical elements to the ordinary world in a way that makes the not seem that bizarre. AFter all, why shouldn't there be a magical marry-go-round in Venice?

Inkspell by Cornelia Funke; I had read Inkheart and loved it, but have been a little disappointed with the sequel. It is interesting, but I feel that it is much more plot driven and the characters don't seem nearly as enjoyable and slightly more one-sided, but not quite.

Hoping I didn't have pneumonia: I had this nasty cough for about three weeks, but it seemed to be set off more by allergens and breathing irregularly (like while I was singing and such). Singing and running still sometimes set it off, but I think it has more to do with allergies still, because my other allergy symptoms are on the alert and the pollen count for our area is really high. But like I said, it is pretty much gone now.

Movies: March of the Penguins; It was a good documentary, but it was most fun when Thomas put in what the penguins were saying, like, "Oh no, that mean bird eated Jeffery, then he eated Lucas, and I was so 'fraid that he would eated me too!" in an adorable little penguin voice.

Nutcracker performed by Northwest Ballet; One of my previous student was in it, so I was borrowing it from her family. It was enjoyable - I love the music and the dancing was fun - but I still don't appreciate men in tights. And the Sugar Plum Fairy looked and danced like a snob. I don't know if she meant to, but she seemed rather condescending.

Music and the church: They go together. They need to. But music has always been a divisive issue. Why?

Oh and if you think of it, please pray for my grandfather. He is having a lot of health issues right now and we are not exactly sure what is going on. Also it is coming to the point where Grandma and he cannot live alone, but they don't want to leave the farm - really the only place Grandpa every lived - so it will make for some difficult decisions for their children (my mom and uncle) in the days to come.

Long post, but it's been a long time.

Messianic Psalms

In Kindergarten, we have been studying the Old Testament, but while the Israelites are wandering in the desert for 40 years, we took a break to study the Proverbs, then to study Jesus' life and death and resurrection. I have read the Proverbs and even taught the Proverbs to Kindergartners, but God has opened up some of them in entirely new ways.

Proverbs 10:12 says: "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers a multitude of sins." As I was teaching it, and telling a little story about two Kindergartners who were having a hard time getting along, I was struck by the beauty of Love covering a multitude of sins.

Not only does Christ's Love cover a multitude of my sins, which in turn enables me to cover a multitude of sins to other people, it also allows me to confront my sin with out guilt. Often when I see that I am doing something I know I shouldn't, or thinking less than kind thoughts, or being lazy, or whatever, I begin to get frustrated at myself. That frustration is really hatred of my sin, but when I let it stay there, that hatred really does stir up strife, both inward and outward strife. But when I take it to Jesus, His Love covers the multitude of my sin, and I am free from that hatred.

It isn't enough to hate the bad things in the world. That will only stir up strife. But when we remember Christ's love, we can let Him cover a multitude of sins, and be at peace.

Who would have thought that even common sense proverbs would point to Christ? Maybe John did when he wrote, "these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." John 20:31

Happy

I is on antibiotics, killing teh bad girms.

I waited until Friday and went to my new doctor. She was very nice, said I probably had a sinus infection, and gave me an antibiotic. By Monday morning I could tell that I was feeling better. My head was clearer. My students didn't drive me crazy just by being kids. I got hungry when I was supposed to. I am not as tired as I have been - at least not the same type of tired - I still am tired, but that is because I am not going to bed on time.

I am not going to bed on time because my 2 of my sister-in-laws are visiting. It is nice having them around, though we have been really busy. Last night was the first night I actually made dinner for them. Today they are in NYC. I wanted to go too, but hopefully some other time, when Thomas doesn't feel as pressured to get stuff shipped.

I am now listening to some Allen Levi, which also makes me very happy. It is good gentle happy music. I especially like Happy Lightning, Enjoy the Ride, and Smile in my Heart (which Thomas copied out for me while we were dating. It is really sweet.)

I hope you have some Happy Lightning today!

Thoughts on Easter

I know that it isn't Easter yet, but I have been thinking about how important it is. Growing up, we always went to my Aunt Joy's house (my mom's sister). We usually stayed over night, decorated eggs with my cousins, had an egg hunt, and waded in the freezing cold stream in the cow pasture. But the spiritual side didn't seem to be emphasized any different than any other day. We sang various Easter songs and learned about the resurrection, but we talked about the Easter story all year long. It didn't have any special ceremony to go with it.

After my Aunt died, we didn't go up to their house for Easter. We got together for Memorial Day instead. Easter Morning we listened to James Ward's Morning Sun and 2nd Chapter of Act's Easter Song. On year, I don't remember where it fit chronologically we went to a sunrise service at held at a church that David Brainard founded while he was preaching to the Indians in our area. But the celebrations really centered only around Sunday.

Recently I have been looking a whole lot more at Easter Week. I think it is beautiful to celebrate the resurrection especially on Sunday, but it seems all the more beautiful after especially focusing on his triumphal entry, last days of ministry, passion, and death.

Today we talked about God as King in our attribute study. Pastor Tripp repeated the often used phrase about God's Justice and Mercy culminating at the cross. It struck me that all of the attributes of God culminated at the cross and resurrection. He showed us His holiness by demanding that sin be paid for, but His love by dying for our sins. He revealed Himself as Teacher, Shepherd, Servant, and King! I couldn't think of any attribute that wasn't demonstrated in its most amazing and beautiful way during Christ's death and resurrection.

No wonder it was the turning point of history. God came near to earth and showed us in that moment as much of Himself that we could stand.

That seems reason enough to celebrate to me.

Bummerish

So I got sick again.

I have had a low grade fever for the last two days with lots of drainage and a general achy-ness around my throat and ears. I think that I have a sinus infection of some sort. I called the doctor and the earliest she can see me is next Friday. I am a little bummed. They even advertise same day appointments. I just hope that next week she doesn't make me feel dumb for not coming sooner, because I really would have liked to. Or that I am all better and she can find anything wrong. Even though I wouldn't mind feeling better, it would be a little frustrating.

In the meantime, I am drinking my vitamin C, lots of water, peppermint tea, and going about my tasks as normally as I can. I don't really feel terrible awful, but I am definitely not happy with my throat and ears.

Saturday is a baby shower that I am hostess-ing too. Not stressing about that at all. Like realizing all sorts of last minute things I didn't remember to do or think about. And not knowing how to decorate really - just vague ideas. But I have creative and wonderful helpers, so I am sure it will be fine and dandy.

Life goes on. God doesn't let me justify my complaints. (I am studying Moses in the desert with my Kindergartners - wow, is it convicting!) Thomas is wonderful every day. Pride goes before a fall, but God is good at picking up the pieces and making something better. I am happy, even though my ears and throat hurt.

Nothing Much

There is nothing new to say really. I got sick, but I am better now. I have tons to do and a classroom to clean and stacks of pages to correct, but also a general apathy. Usually when I get lots done I am inspired to do even more. Today I got lots done, but you can't tell, so it is a major bummer. So back to organizing my classroom.

Happy Groundhog Day

I didn't get a chance to post this yesterday...

Groundhog Day is a very important day. There are many versions of the prophesy concerning the Groundhog and his shadow. Some say that if he doesn't see his shadow, winter weather will stick around, but if he does see his shadow, spring is just around the corner. My grandfather always said, "If he sees his shadow, six more weeks of winter; if he doesn't, six more weeks until spring."

I think we up north just need a reminder that we are half way through winter and a reason to celebrate something.

This winter I am feeling the drag of the season a bit more. Perhaps it is because I don't get to ice skate, which was one of the reasons I love winter. Perhaps it is because all the school days really mess up my weekly schedule. Perhaps it is because Kindergarteners don't remember daily procedures after a day off. Perhaps they also would rather be at home doing there own thing, rather than at school working tediously.

The lessons right now are tedious. They have learned the basics: counting to 100, all the letters, reading short vowel words, and how to write their name. But we haven't begun the next step of expanding on that knowledge because we want to make sure that what they think they know really is sticking. Soon they will learn two vowel words, and they will be terribly confused because they aren't paying attention now to the review of one vowels.

It doesn't help that there are a lot of various illnesses that keep making their rounds. I really haven't gotten sick, which is simply by the grace of God, because I have been exposed to enough germs to kill me. I am trying to teach sanitary habits, but there are always those times when someone sneezes in my face or wipes their nose on my shoulder or such things. I love these little germ pools, though they wore me out last week. Oh goodness! We even had a snow day and it felt like an incredibly long week. Now grades are due, and of course I am behind with grading, though my house is cleaner than it has been in a while. Maybe someday I will catch up and maybe even get ahead - or work on those on going projects of wedding scrapbook and sewing. Maybe when summer comes.

January

So I feel like I am finally getting over the play. October was the play, November Thomas wrote a novel, December was Christmas, January was being sick and catching up, and now it is almost February. I feel old because I keep saying, "Where does the time go?"

Now we are halfway through the year, coming up on the 100th day, beginning speech meet things and the cold of winter has come. Days are far from monotonous, but there are times when I wish I could just stop long enough to enjoy the moment I have. But it seems whenever I do that, I end up getting behind on everything else.

I also realized that Carrie Joy may not have any new hobbies. I have music, dress designing, and sewing. I also have photography, stationary, and water colors. I also write and play my flute. However, I don't have the time to really pursue any of them. Whenever I start working on something, I get behind on my housework or schoolwork or church work. Right now, I have a large stack of correcting and grading, piles of laundry, and two baby showers to plan.

One of the nice parts of my life is that Thomas reads to me every night when I do the dishes. This keeps me caught up on dishes and we get to read together. He is such a wonderful guy. And I really do have a happy life. It is just when I think about all the stuff I have to do that I get a little overwhelmed and sometimes a little bummed.

Saturday we visited my extended family on my mother's side. It was so good to see my cousins. I really have a wonderful family. I had fun talking about school and basketball and photography and books and Paraguay with them. We actually had more time to just talk this time than we did at Thanksgiving. I think it was partly because we didn't have to do all that catching up from all year long. Now we have to plan every other monthly get-togethers so we can keep in touch. We are all rather bad at emailing and "facebooking" each other, though we all can. Maybe we will get better now. I love my family.

We haven't taken down our Christmas tree yet. It is shedding a little and is very dry, but it still is so pretty and makes our living room look so much happier. I decorated my office and the attic a little over last weekend. It makes the house look more like a home. I still have a lot of clutter about, but that is because I have grand intentions of filing things, but have got a filing cabinet, and probably wouldn't use it very well even if I did. All the same, I am trying to get more organized and I finally put away all my play stuff from this year.

Now I just have to clean off my desk...

We are Home

I miss Georgia.

I miss the warmer weather and not ice on the streets.
I miss having my food made for me. (Thanks, Mommy)
I miss not having to wake up so early

But mostly I miss Thomas's family.
I miss the conversations
and games
and horses
and just being together

and littlest sister hugs.

But I am glad to be home.
I am glad to have my own space for creative messes.
I like my job
and I get lots of Kidergartener hugs
(though they aren't quite the same.)

I am happy to be with my family
and have conversations with them
and laugh with them
and have "sister moments"

(By the way, my sister got an adorable hair cut today.
It is all fluffly golden curls, but ties back in to a fun bouncy ponytail.)

You know the really neat thing?
I am beginning to realize that lots of places
are nice and homey.
But the place I am most at home
is the house and life I share with Thomas.

Pretty neat that God uses the idea of home
to tell us how much he loves us.)