Saving Mr. Banks

I finally watched Saving Mr. Banks. I enjoyed it and found it very insightful without being heavy handed. Again I was delighted by Emma Thompson's acting. And inspired to reread Mary Poppins.

What was the movie about? The movie begs the question who was she really trying to save and what was she trying to save he/she from. Was she trying to save her character's reputation? Was she trying to save herself from mundane living? Was she trying to save her father from loosing his job, from dying, from his own alcoholism? Or perhaps it is all of the above. Her journey seemed to take her through all these, and we see her deal with the grief that she has carried through her entire life. The grief that she cannot, nor can anyone, make a life that is always happily ever after.

Her response to this grief is to control everyone and everything in her life, even so far as to create a story life where she can control everything. She will not let anyone close to her, but instead prefers to control their interactions with her. She seems to fear vulnerability and when people try to interact with her as an equal, she almost seems to delight in making them feel inferior.

It sounded like someone else I knew. Not that she was quite so extreme in her control, but someone who felt out of control so she held onto everything she could control harder. Someone who made up stories for herself, so that she could be the one who fixed everything. Someone who found a certain delight in making others feel inferior. She sounded a lot like me.

My control freakishness doesn't come out in the same way, but it is there and I struggle with it often. I don't like to be vulnerable and I often slip into feeling when things go wrong, I am at fault. Praise God, I don't do it as often as I used to. He is showing more and more of his love and acceptance of me, so I don't have to feel like I need to be in control so much, but I saw so much of my journey from being super controlling to being less controlling in P L Traver's journey.

But she let go of her story. She let Mr Disney "make a mess of it." She was tired of fighting. I can relate to that to. I know the struggle to let other people make a mess of my carefully thought through plans. I know the fear that if I don't control everything, everything will turn out poorly, and the sense of responsibility for the outcome of my world. But I also know the relief that comes with letting it all go. The acceptance that I did my part, but I am not, nor do I need to be, in control any longer.

So like Mrs. Travers, I am learning that it is better to love and be in relationships than to ensure a perfect world by controlling everyone and everything.

Play Season

The play season has started; in fact, the first week is over. We have had four rehearsals and have blocked about half the play.

Because of the play, my blog might become a bit of a desert. It isn't that I am not thinking about things, but I am taking longer to edit those thoughts because I have other thoughts distracting me. And my adorable boys are growing and learning and being adorable, but I don't always remember to take a picture.

So I will try to post weekly, but if I don't, try visiting again after Oct 11, and I will begin to get caught  up again.

Malcolm is One!

My baby is one year old! I can hardly believe it has been a year.

The Thursday before his birthday, we had is birthday meal at my parents - pizza and a monkey cake. When he saw the cake with the candle in it, he burst into tears. But he was comforted by being able to eat the cake. He couldn't figure out how to get it into his mouth at first, but after a few attempts at eating it like a dog, he grabbed fistfuls and enjoyed the full experience of his cake.

On his birthday we went to a nearby park. The boys had a wonderful time, though it seems that Malcolm might have some environmental allergies. His eyes were red and watery.

Since then, he keeps doing things that surprise me. For instance today it sounded like he said helicopter after we watched one fly over our house and Eamon and I talked about it. He wants to eat whatever is on my plate, and he wants to feed it to himself too. He is on the border of walking, but just doesn't want to try it on his own. 

But he is still my little baby and gives the sweetest cuddles and smiles.

Story Continued

"We got the Skeeter. Any sign of the Arial?" The voice of another SF joined in.

Gonzalo scanned the skyline, then briefly glanced down at the construction site. A flash of blue green caught his eye. "Arial sighted." The mind-controlling SF had seen it too. He was calculating the coordinates to tell the SFs in the overlook, as Gonzalo watched its beautiful lithe body weaving in and around the unfinished building. Its iridescence unable to blend in with the tan and brown of the building materials. The head and arms were almost human, but at its waist its body became long and snake-like. As a child Gonzalo had often watched them fly and had tried to imitate some of their movements to aid his own flight patterns, and his former fascination kept him spellbound.

Suddenly, another movement caught his eye. The Binugs were conglomerating. He was about to convey the message to the overlook when one hurled a brick at the Arial. Unsuspecting such an attack, the Arial was unable to avoid the projectile. The brick hit its head and the creature went limp. Hardly knowing what he did, Gonzalo flew to it and wrapped his arms around its shoulders, supporting its head.

Its eyes were closed and blood was oozing from a gash across its forehead. But as it felt his touch, it opened its eyes. Confusion, then wonder, flashed across its face. It smiled and breathed out, "Zalo! how did you...? You were always there." The eyes flickered shut again and its breathing stopped.

Trees and Ocean

One of the most refreshing things for me is to sit and watch the ocean, especially where it is crashing on rocks. Something about it calms and soothes my spirit in a unique way. It is one of the reasons I love going to Maine so much.

But I realized that something else does the same thing. I took Eamon and Malcolm to a park with big trees all around. It had been a crazy day and I was feeling a bit on edge, but being among the trees, I felt myself relaxing and my frayed nerves smoothing themselves out. I didn't have time to just sit. It was a park after all and little boys need to be chased and caught and tickled and pushed on the swing.

A few days later I was at my parents house and had a few minutes to sit and look at their trees, and the same thing happened. It was so green, so calm, so alive and beautiful. 

Someday I hope to live among trees, or by the ocean, or both.