The Superhero Paradox

Superheroes are cool. I like them. I am one.

 

However, as I've learned from my heroic struggles, superheroes have a problem. Spiderman is motivated by his uncle's words, "With great power comes great responsibility." Batman is haunted by Rachel's words, "It's not who you are on the inside, but what you do that defines you." Iron Man, the Hulk, Wolverine, Captain America, Black Widow, Miles Morales, Superman... they all struggle with the balance between who they are vs what they do.

Is Captian America great because he beats up the bad guys, or is he great because he has an inner integrity that stands up for what is good and right? Even though Black Widow has a dark past, does that affect her good actions now? Does Iron Man's sometimes selfish motivations alter the fact that he sacrificed his own personal safety and comfort to save the world?

Or is because of this struggle between who they are on the inside and what they do on the outside, that makes them so relatable? We all know that if we acted on every impulse the world would not be fit to live in. And when we see people who live that way, we know it is dangerous. Yet so much of our world demands us to do what feels right, to follow our dreams, to actuate our potentialities, while at the same time encouraging us to look out for the underprivileged, to take care of our natural world, and be nice. We live in the superhero paradox.

 Are we going to escape our baser instincts and do what is right for the world, even though it may be inconvenient or harmful to ourselves? Are we going to fight injustice and cruelty wherever we see it, even in the political posting of people we agree with? Are we going to base our lives on a right and wrong that transcends the popular or the pretty? Are we going to be superheroes?

This is not limited to superheroes, of course.

“The line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either -- but right through every human heart -- and through all human hearts. This line shifts. Inside us, it oscillates with the years. And even within hearts overwhelmed by evil, one small bridgehead of good is retained”
― Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago

It is a choice all of us have to make, every day, sometimes with each breath. Will we choose the good of others over the comfort of ourselves? 

But wait, you may ask, what about me-time? Self-care? Should I just always be giving up what I need to tend to the needs of others? Won't that burn me out? Won't I be able to do less in the long run if I don't take care of myself?

In response, I'd point out, there are no old superheroes. We remember them, not for their longevity, but their sacrifice. But also, that is part of the superhero paradox. There is the long-term good versus the short-term good, and for that, there is quote from another hero, 

I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me.

Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.
--Paul, Philipians 1:20-26

Every hero knows that they live a life that is not their own, but is their responsibility. They care for and even love, the people they help, although only their alter identities can receive that love. Their fulfillment comes from giving up their desires. They are only partially satisfied with a job well done because there is always another person to rescue.

So I am going to live in that superhero paradox, of letting go and taking responsibility, of burning up and running long, of helping people who only appreciate their version of me, of dying to myself and finding true life. Are you a superhero too?

Calling

 We went to a Homeschool Hangout at the public library. There were six families. Two of the other moms are my friends from times before kids; one more was a friend of one my friends. I talked to the other two moms, asked their names, and a few homeschooling small talk questions like, "What is your favorite curriculum?" I enjoyed making connections, even though I felt like I never moved beyond the "networking" phase.

When it was over, we went to the children's area and there were some of the students from ICS, our local Christian school, where I worked four years ago. I had worked with several of them in the last two plays I was involved in. They greeted me enthusiastically, which was wonderful. They also greeted the two new mothers that I met equally enthusiastically. Those two homeschool moms had also taught at ICS; one had been the grammar teacher, the other was the Spanish teacher. It was delightful to see the surprise on our students faces that we were all together. And it was fun to make connections with these teachers who I had heard of, but never met! It was lovely.

Then I got to help a student think about a paper topic. I asked him some questions, didn't let him get away with, "I don't know," gave suggestions, read his reactions, gave other suggestions in the form of questions like, "do you know about the origins of your interest? What do you know? What don't you know?" It took about five minutes, but by the time he had to leave, he had the beginnings of a topic. And I had a reminder of why I love teaching.

I was so happy when we left the library. So of course, I analyzed it. I was happy because I used my skills and talents to make connections, between people and between topics. I was happy because I got to see my friends. I was happy because I got to talk with kids, and I love talking with kids.

Then the great debate that has been going round in my head since I started homeschooling began, yet again. Would I better serve God and the world by going back to being a teacher? I would have more influence, help more kids, point more people to Jesus, right? But what about my family? Would they thrive in that environment? Or would it be survival, like it was before?

That night, I distracted myself from that inner debate by scrolling Instagram. One of the suggested posts was of a woman who wanted to serve God by helping the poor. She finally got to go on a mission trip, and on that trip she met Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa told her that she is helping the world the most by being a mother, and to never doubt God's calling to that roll. The story resonated with my feelings and reasoning, but it was also affirming of the choice that we have made to home school. 

I don't know what the future may hold. Maybe someday I'll go back to school. Maybe not. But each time the debate begins in my head again, I am reminded to come back to God and let him define me and my role in the world, not my daydreams and expectations.

First Week of Homeschooling

Across the table, Malcolm is working on his typing drills. Eamon is practicing his cello, providing background music. They have already finished math and morning chores. When practice and typing is over, we will have our devotions and word/brain games, then do our language arts. Then I will make lunch, and they get either a break or independent work time, depending how much they have left, if any. After lunch, we'll do our together classes: history and/or science. 

If it sounds calm and organized, do not be fooled. Thrown into the mix is various church meetings, working on the project related to those meetings, trying to get caught up on laundry, dealing with bouts of complaining (me included), trying to finish putting things in our school drawers, checking work, seeing what cool thing the boys have discovered in their work, cleaning off my kitchen counter, and remember to drink enough water. 

Also, I either have a cold or allergies, or both.

Last night when I was complaining to God about how overwhelmed I was feeling and how I didn't want to do school today and worrying that we were all going to come down with some illness and that I know he uses weaknesses, but which of my weaknesses was he trying to use, and couldn't he use my strengths, or at least let my strengths be appreciated, I remembered Jesus's words.

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42

Sometimes these words sound like Jesus is scolding Martha, and I
guess, He kind of is. But when I hear them, they are so full of understanding, like when Aslan is talking to Shasta on the mountain pass. "Tell me your sorrows." And like Aslan, there is only one thing needed, just to look at Him, to be with Him. He doesn't take away all our worries and things to do, but he walks with us through them.

So life is not calm, organized, efficient, comfortable, but we are working towards peaceful - not the peace of ease, but the peace of walking with God.