Snow!

Just in time for another snow storm, I am posting a few pictures of February's snow.

 This first pictures is from the beginning of the month. On his first outing into the snow, Eamon screamed and fought like crazy, until we gave him the little trowel. Then he didn't want to come in. The snow was a little over his ankles, and he didn't like to walk in it, but he loved to dig in it.

 These next pictures are from the last week of February. Now the snow is up to his shoulders. He and his little buddy took my garden trowels and poked them in the snow banks and dumped the snow on the paths. They had a blast running up and down the sidewalk, "helping" in the snow.

 Of course, we couldn't leave Malcolm inside all by himself, so I made a little hole for him, and stuck him in it, like a standing play-place. He was not too thrilled by the snow, especially when it got in his face or he lost his NUK, but he didn't cry the entire time he was outside.

Some of the snow has melted, but the weatherman is calling for another 3-6 inches over Sunday night. And they say that this is actually an average winter, which makes sense to me because this is the sort of winter I remember from being a kid.

They are growing up!

This is as close as we got to a 6 month portrait. The month of February has flown by. Between snow days and babies learning to move and keeping up with chores and moving in some more, I have been rather busy.

Eamon is talking more and singing more and everything becomes an instrument. Curious George and Winnie the Pooh are frequent dinner time guests and one night we even had a spontaneous performance of "The Three Bears Cantata." He wasn't too sure about the last one, but Thomas and I had a blast.

Malcolm started the month as a confident sitter, but has ended the month as a certified scootcher. When I leave him on the floor, he ends up somewhere else entirely, often with his hind quarters under something. He is beginning to figure out how to go forward, but he more often ends up on his nose or going backwards. He gets pretty mad when he wants to go forward but ends up going backwards. This means we have to be more careful about what we leave laying around. Eamon's crayons, paper, and little toys have ended up in his mouth.

He wants to eat, and reaches for our food, causing huge spills on several occasions. So I started giving him a little rice cereal, but he hasn't been too impressed. On the other hand he hasn't gagged on it. I am not too anxious to start him on food, but it is nice to know he can start now. And it is fun to give him little tastes of things. In anticipation for him joining us for meals, Eamon has moved to a booster seat, and we use the high chair to let Malcolm sit with us  and play while we have meals.

With the advent of learning to roll over, sleeping has become more of an issue. After a day of not sleeping pretty much all day, he has been doing a bit better. But before that, he only wanted to sleep on me. He couldn't seem to get comfortable on his back or on his belly or on his side. And then he wakes up, wailing piteously because he has an air-bubble, but take forever to fall back to sleep. I have occasionally put him back in his baby car seat because he was stuffy, but he tries to roll over in it and sometimes rolls himself right out.

It hasn't been decided who either boy looks like completely, but I think as they get older, Eamon will look more like his father, and Malcolm more like me. But they definitely have aspects of both of us, both in personality as well as looks. It never cease to amaze me how these little humans develop little bits of us, but completely their own self too. Well, it amazes me when it doesn't drive me crazy!

Formulas

Formulas make everything easier.

In 7th grade I learned that "of" in an equation means multiply. What is 1/8 of 450? means multiply 1/8 and 450.

I use formulas to figure out recipe alterations and substitutions. And formulas for figure out how much fabric I will need for sewing projects.

Formulas say that if I put these things in, I will get these out. And if I want this outcome, then I know I need to follow these procedures.

Unfortunately, life isn't formulas. I have been thinking about this on several different aspects of my life. I was remembering courtship and all the rules that we had during our pre-marriage relationship. Thomas and I were talking about those "7 Tips for a Perfect Marriage" articles. And my children are testing everything I thought I knew about parenting.

I have discovered that when courtship becomes a formula, it stops being beneficial. When marriage is based on formulas for expressing love, they become manipulative. When parenting relies on formulas, relationship is lost. It would be so much easier if I knew that if I did x, y, and z, I would get the result that I want. I would be a much more confident mother and spouse and Christian. I would know that my marriage was good and my kids would turn out ok. I wouldn't stress about messing up and messing others up.

But the problem for formulas for life is that the formulas become the focus. When things go wrong, I am filled with guilt, because I didn't follow the formula, and when things go right, I get puffed up because I am such a great person and everything will turn out the way I want it to. I forget to live out of what I believe about God. My confidence gets settled in my accomplishments rather that in my salvation through Christ.

I think there are a place for formulas, besides math class. I think they can be helpful guidelines. But I think the danger comes in formula-driven living. We live based on the outcome we desire, rather than the outcome that God will lead us to, which may change from day to day, and situation to situation. So I don't want to strive for formula free living, but rather... what?

This is where I get stuck. If I don't have a formula for know what to do, how do I know what I ought to do? How do I know whether or not to use a "time out" or a "spanking" in any particular instance? How do I advise a person in a relationship about physical contact? How do I make sure that I have told my husband that I value him enough? How do I know where I fit in my world and how everything fits all together? I don't know.

But I do know my Savior and he teaches me about the Father. And I have the Holy Spirit within me, guiding me in every particular instance. I just have to listen. So I rarely have the answers to my questions, but I have God's love within me - I am not called to know, I am called to love - and so far, when I ask him, he has given me the answer I need, in the moment I need it. And, I think, that is enough.

Book Quote, etc.

Thomas is reading "Is God to Blame?" by Gregory A. Boyd to me. Today he read this quote and it was so helpful that I wanted to share it.

"Most of us don't like ambiguity. Life is generally easier when we believe that everything is clear and simple. This, I believe is part of our legacy of eating of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. In our fallen delusion, we believe it's our right and with our capacity to declare unambiguously who and what are "good" and "evil." We aren't omniscient but having eaten from the forbidden tree, we have a misguided impulse to judge matters as though we were. We have difficulty accepting our finitude and the massive ignorance and ambiguity attached to it.

In point of fact, however, creation can only be experienced by finite being as unfathomably complex and therefore mostly ambiguous. We have no means of ascertaining more than a minute fraction of the variables that factor into each event within this unfathomably complex creation. This isn't because we are fallen: it's simply because we are finite. This is why our original job description--which God is yet calling us to fulfill--involves very little knowing but a great deal of loving. Our limited domain of responsibility is primarily to love God and others as we are filled with God's love. Hence the Bible repeatedly calls us to love and to refrain from judgement (Mt 7:1-5; Rom 2:1-5; Jas 4:11-12).

Because of our addiction to the forbidden fruit, however, we want to know and judge. If our finite knowledge can't adjust to the complexity of reality, we simply try to readjust the complexity of our finite capacity to know. Hence we bracket off the complexity of reality and act as if things were simple enough for us to understand.

This is why many people are compulsively inclined to judge other on the basis of surface behavior, bracketing off the vast complexity of variables that affect and perhaps explain this perceived behavior. Though the Bible expressly forbids it, pretending that we know and thus can judge a person's heart gives us a sense of ethical superiority and personal security. And this is also why we are inclined toward simplistic, formulaic theologies. Like Job's friends and Job himself, we feel secure when we bracket off the complexity and ambiguity, and convince ourselves that the world unfolds according to a divine blueprint. We assume that everything can be explained by appealing to God's will or the wills of people...

A healthier perspective, one which honors God's character revealed in Christ and refrains from indicting people, acknowledges ambiguity and warfare up front. We must with confidence anchor ourselves in what we can know--that God looks like Jesus--and simply confess ignorance about everything else."

Because this is part of a book - a larger argument - I hope it makes sense pulled out of context. There were two things that especially stood out to me.

1. I don't have to know/understand, but I do have to love, and that is quite enough work for me. This ties back to my thoughts on "Walking Wounded;" we just don't know enough to be uncharitable. But love does not require us to be walked all over, rather it demands that we fix our eyes on Jesus and let him lead us through difficult situations.
2. A complex world is not so scary when I know that God reveals himself clearest through Jesus. I know Jesus, but more importantly, he knows me. When I find myself fretting over what God is trying to teach me or what bad thing God will bring my way to make my life miserable so I will trust him more, I can correct my thinking by reminding myself of what I know about Jesus. Jesus always came along side those who were weak and wounded. He didn't cause misery or pain without clearly explaining why. And when people asked him if a person's sin was the cause of their trouble, he showed that is the wrong question.

So when my child will not sleep in his bed and I end up laying on 6 inches of my bed because if I move, he wakes up and starts crying again, instead of wondering "why God is doing this to me" and "what am I doing wrong" and "what is he trying to teach me," I can instead be filled with compassion for this little boy who is beginning to realize that the world is a big, unpredictable, and sometimes scary place where we don't always get our way. Instead of fear, I can respond out of love. Instead of frustration, I can realize that I am building a relationship. Here, even as I don't sleep, I can be preaching the Gospel with my life. And eventually, he will learn to sleep in his own bed and I will miss all those times of cuddling him.

Just for the record, if you read the book, which I do recommend, he does say some things about Chaos Theory that I don't know if I agree with, but I think his point about the complexity of the world, physical and spiritual, is a good one.