Formulas

Formulas make everything easier.

In 7th grade I learned that "of" in an equation means multiply. What is 1/8 of 450? means multiply 1/8 and 450.

I use formulas to figure out recipe alterations and substitutions. And formulas for figure out how much fabric I will need for sewing projects.

Formulas say that if I put these things in, I will get these out. And if I want this outcome, then I know I need to follow these procedures.

Unfortunately, life isn't formulas. I have been thinking about this on several different aspects of my life. I was remembering courtship and all the rules that we had during our pre-marriage relationship. Thomas and I were talking about those "7 Tips for a Perfect Marriage" articles. And my children are testing everything I thought I knew about parenting.

I have discovered that when courtship becomes a formula, it stops being beneficial. When marriage is based on formulas for expressing love, they become manipulative. When parenting relies on formulas, relationship is lost. It would be so much easier if I knew that if I did x, y, and z, I would get the result that I want. I would be a much more confident mother and spouse and Christian. I would know that my marriage was good and my kids would turn out ok. I wouldn't stress about messing up and messing others up.

But the problem for formulas for life is that the formulas become the focus. When things go wrong, I am filled with guilt, because I didn't follow the formula, and when things go right, I get puffed up because I am such a great person and everything will turn out the way I want it to. I forget to live out of what I believe about God. My confidence gets settled in my accomplishments rather that in my salvation through Christ.

I think there are a place for formulas, besides math class. I think they can be helpful guidelines. But I think the danger comes in formula-driven living. We live based on the outcome we desire, rather than the outcome that God will lead us to, which may change from day to day, and situation to situation. So I don't want to strive for formula free living, but rather... what?

This is where I get stuck. If I don't have a formula for know what to do, how do I know what I ought to do? How do I know whether or not to use a "time out" or a "spanking" in any particular instance? How do I advise a person in a relationship about physical contact? How do I make sure that I have told my husband that I value him enough? How do I know where I fit in my world and how everything fits all together? I don't know.

But I do know my Savior and he teaches me about the Father. And I have the Holy Spirit within me, guiding me in every particular instance. I just have to listen. So I rarely have the answers to my questions, but I have God's love within me - I am not called to know, I am called to love - and so far, when I ask him, he has given me the answer I need, in the moment I need it. And, I think, that is enough.