BOYS!

It has been a long time since I have done a boys update. It is sometimes hard to see the changes since I am always with them, but recently I have been realizing how much they are growing right in front of me.

Eamon has been having fun playing with his friends. Every day he wants to play with one of them, either our neighbor or his cousin. He loves playing knights and super heroes and Star Wars. When they tell him he can't imagine certain things, he gets quite upset. For instance, if he wants to kill the dragon (like St. George), and his buddy wants to tame the dragon (like Hiccup), there can be huge fights. Or if he wants imaginary spikes on his imaginary armor and his buddy says that he can't because imaginary armor doesn't have spikes, Eamon will burst into tears of frustration and anger.

His story friends are quite real to him too. I might walk in on him talking to Fireman Sam or Luke Skywalker or Daniel Tiger. It is interesting to me that he will be book characters, but play with the TV characters. For example, he will be St. George, but when he plays with Daniel Tiger, he is himself. Not only are the good guys very real, the bad guys are too, especially the bad guys introduced to him by his little friends. Whether it is the Sarlac, Skeletons, or Trolls, he sometimes scares himself when he is alone.

He is also learning to play with Malcolm. They fight more than they play because they both want the same thing, but it is better than completely ignoring him or being nasty to him as he did just a few months ago. Today there was a huge screaming fight because they wanted the same book, but shortly later they were sliding off the couch into the "ocean," giggling together, and rolling over each other like puppy dogs.

Physically, he is too big for 3T's but 4T's are still a little long. He loves being able to get out his own clothes and get himself dressed (and gets distressed when I veto some combinations). He likes being able to go outside by himself, get things out of the fridge by himself, set the table almost by himself, and do pretty much anything on his own, except eat. He can eat on his own, but there are plenty of days when he would prefer me to feed him. And he doesn't understand why we can't have his "favorite bean soup" and chicken nuggets and french fries for every meal.

He is also learning to write his name. I will find his drawing papers filled with E's and M's (for Malcolm) and we have been working on getting the "a" to follow the E, not just randomly appear on the page. He keeps surprising me with how many numbers and letters he recognizes. And he finds it a great joke to deliberately mix up his left and right because he knows his mommy mixes them up regularly.

Malcolm is learning to talk. He it getting pretty good at imitating what we say, but not always at remember the right word from moment to moment. He is putting together short sentences and phrases like, "my shoe, not Mommy shoe" and "big truck" and "plane, sky, moon." It is fun to hear the thoughts that go through his head, and to hear his sense of humor. He will tell me if something is funny and laugh and laugh about it.

He prefers to play by himself and gets overwhelmed by lots of people. If we are out with our neighbors, he feels most comfortable if the gate or door is propped open and he can get to a place where they are not. His favorite thing to do outside is swing, and when we swing, he always wants me to say "The Swing" by Robert Louis Stevenson. He also likes the merry-go-round at the park and will say again and again while we are there.

He also loves books. Sometimes when all is quiet, I find the boys doing something they shouldn't, but sometimes they are both sitting by the bookshelf "reading" book after book. Malcolm has also begun to not want to come if I interrupt his reading; "read, Mommy, read," then he turns back to his book. It is fun to see him beginning to be able to follow a longer story, although, St. George was too much for him and he preferred to climb on me like a jungle gym while we read that story.

He likes "big trucks." He likes animals. He likes music. He likes dinosaurs, but he isn't as passionate about any one thing. He is also a very sensitive soul and takes care of "baby sheep" and "baby" by cuddling them and giving them a blanket. He can identify many of his major body parts, and has a concept of color, although he doesn't always get them right. He also tries to count with Eamon and does a pretty good job of it. He also is beginning to show an active imagination.

Physically, 18 month clothes are beginning to be too small, but 24 month clothes are just a wee bit big. He likes to do things by himself, but still requires help doing most things. He is pretty good at feeding himself, even though it leaves a mess. He has shown an interest in potty training, but not consistently, and I am not into rushing it. He climbs very well. When he gets his "running face," he pumps his little arms and toddles very fast, but I think it is the diaper that keeps him from really running. He has a good throw and a decent kick too.

He can also identify many of his major body parts, and has a concept of color, although he doesn't always get them right. He also tries to count with Eamon and does a pretty good job of it. He can fill in words for many nursery rhymes and The Lords Prayer. He loves to draw and I have begun to leave paper and crayons out for him to sit down and draw or color at his little table whenever he wants.

So the boys are growing. Neither of them are babies anymore. But they both still love Mommy (and Daddy) cuddles and kisses. They still need kisses to make their hurts better. And their little arms give wonderful hugs.

I got to act!

Last week was our final tour drama production. Because of conflicts in schedules, three of my actors were not able to make it. Two had reading parts, and my lovely props and costume assistant and I were able to cover those parts. One of them was an actor. And she happened to play some of my favorite parts, though I think I would say that about all of the parts. When she told me that she couldn't do it, I was initially panicked, thinking I would have to reschedule or cancel performances. But instead, I was able to act those roles.

Before every show there are a few nerves. Will everyone remember everything? Where will I be needed most? Will I get to sit back and enjoy the show, or have to jump up and step in somewhere? Will ___ finally get those lines that he always misses? But before this show, I had nerves that I haven't felt for ages. I had only had a chance to go through it with the actors twice. I wasn't positive I had all my lines. I didn't know how I was going to read and act. I worried that it would be too much like the "ME SHOW."

But once it started, the familiar took over and all went smoothly. The cast all pulled together so well. They covered for my mistakes. (I forgot a line and jumped on top of one of their lines.) And best of all, I felt the connection that I love about acting.

There was the connection with the audience...seeing their thoughtful gazes, hearing their laughter, feeling their interest in the story we were telling. And there was the connection with the other reader...quick glances to make sure we were together, reading each others movements to know when to stand and who would move the props. And there was the connection with the actors.

That is where I get most touched. I worked with these kids to open up with each other, to share, to listen, to be present, and so on. I got to see it happen as they got better and more comfortable with themselves on stage. And that night I got to feel it. They were listening to me and my subtext. They were getting energy from my performance and giving it right back. They understood a bit more about who we were being together. And it was beautiful.

I'm not sure if the acting was amazing or anything like that, though I think it was probably one of our best performances. But I try so hard to give these kids a safe place, a place where they are loved and approved of, a place where they can grow and share and learn and ask questions and feel. I try to build a safety net for them, so they know that when they fall, it won't change my love and appreciation for them. And that night, I knew they understood it because they gave that place of safety right back to me. When I made a mistake, they covered graciously and didn't think anything of it. They listened, they waited, they pitched in to help, they were part of a team, each of them making the whole stronger. (As as side note, the actor who was unable to be there got to "direct" me as I practiced filling in for her, another really neat connection.)

I am so thankful for them, and their parents, and the opportunity to act with them. I can't wait to do it again.

10 Years Ago: Part 3

Ten years ago on Monday, I finished my last paper. I needed to edit it a little, but it was pretty much done. Thomas took me to a historic plantation called Oatlands and we walked around the gardens. As we walked up a hill I turned to give him a hug and I noticed his heart was beating really, really fast. I was worried that such a little climb made his heart beat so hard, so I asked him if he was ok. He said that he was going to ask me to marry him, and he was a little nervous. Then he took me into a little alcove with a bench and told me to sit down. He knelt down and asked me. I was so happy, I could only whisper, "yes."

Just a few days later I graduated. I don't remember much. I was a little distracted by being engaged. Everything else didn't seem to matter. It was hot. Everyone talked a long time. The music was disappointing. I felt very small shaking the speakers hand. There were lots of people, lots of pictures, lots of smiling, but what really mattered was that I was going to marry Thomas.

Ah, such happiness!

It is odd that 10 years later, I am helping plan another wedding. It is bringing back memories of finding churches, designing dresses, invitations, guest lists, trying to remember everything and trying not to stress, starting to teach school, buying a mattress with Thomas, etc.

We've only just begun to live
White lace and promises
A kiss for luck and we're on our way,

And yet we've just begun...

Trying to Tie Security Thoughts Together

While I was sitting in an emergency waiting room for hours, waiting for them to tell me that my husbands odd chest pains were nothing to be concerned about, I read most of "A Wrinkle in Time" by Madeleine L'Engle.

A few days later, Thomas emailed me an article and recently discovered deleted excerpt from that book.

It got me thinking about security, being right, and love. In the deleted passage, Meg's father says, "[Security] is the greatest evil there is...This sick longing for security is a dangerous thing...Maybe this lust for security is like a disease germ that it has let loose in the land..."

The article, by Jenifer Maloney, quotes L'Engle's granddaughter, Charlotte Jones Voiklis.

Ms. Voiklis said she wanted readers to know the book wasn’t a simple allegory of communism. Instead, it’s about the risk of any country—including a democracy—placing too much value on security. The tension between safety and personal freedom is an idea that resonates in today’s politics.
“It’s normal to be afraid,” said Ms. Voiklis, who manages her late grandmother’s estate full-time in New York. “But you can’t let the fear control your decisions. Otherwise, you risk becoming like Camazotz.”

But what if the security that we value isn't just physical comfort and predictability? What about being secure in our thoughts and beliefs? Surely, that isn't a bad thing, is it? Going back to Meg's conversation with her father, security, or knowing what is going to happen, doesn't seem like a bad thing at first, but when that security becomes the foundation or the focus, we are heading into danger. So knowing what we believe doesn't have to be a bad thing, but when it is what we base everything our answers being right, or the "right answers" are what we are constantly seeking, we might be in a dangerous place.

Very practically, humans seem to have a hard time recognizing that the way they are accustomed to doing things might not be the best or only way to do things. Whether it is the issue of church worship styles or parenting or the roles of men and women, we are very bad at accepting things as not black and white and that there might be more than one right answer. But security is so sneaky, sometimes we don't realize how much we value security until our answers are shook up. I didn't realize how much I found security in knowing theological answers to everything until my theology couldn't satisfy my questions. I was so secure in having the answers, when those answers didn't work, my entire world was shaken. And it happens on a daily basis when I am going through all my parenting advice and procedures, security becomes very seductive.

If I could just be sure that I was parenting in the best way... If I could just be sure that I was in the right church... or being involved in the right activities... If I could just be sure! I want to be secure in know that my choices are right and the best and everything will turn out beautifully. But I don't have that security, and I am learning to not want that security.

When we are secure, we have no need for faith. But when we are insecure, fear is our companion. We don't like feeling afraid, so we have this lust for security. So what we need is to be insecure with out the fear, or secure without the lust for it? How can we be secure and insecure at the same time?

Today's New Testament reading brought some things into perspective. "God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

In the story, Meg wants to be secure. She wants her father to come home and make everything right. But more than the security that her father can provide, she loves her father, and she is willing to face insecurity because of love. But that insecurity doesn't lead to fear; it leads through fear. That's what love does. It gives us the security to be insecure. I don't have to know all the answers, because I am loved. I don't have to get it right, because I am loved. And because I am loved, I can give others the security to disagree with me and not be threatened or threatening.

The tricky thing is that accepting that type of love feels very insecure. So I must choose between the insecurity not knowing what will happen, but trying to be in control of it; or insecurity not knowing what will happen, but trusting that in the right time I will know all that I need to know because a loving God is with me and will guide me through my insecurities.