Apprentice Juggler

You know the phrase, "keeping all the balls in the air"? I watched video of a kid juggling 13 balls at one time trying to go for a world record. It was a little crazy, and predictably, he dropped a ball, which then caused him to drop them all.

On a very gut level, I related to that kid. At any given moment, I feel like I am juggling my roles of being a mom, being a wife, and being a school employee, with my inner qualities, like being a writer, trying to always bring order to my scattered life, and constantly having a story or character pulling at the back of my mind, with my duties of washing dishes, doing laundry, going to meetings, and researching curriculum. Added to that, there are the spiritual pressures of community and not making myself the center of the universe. I am keeping all the balls in the air, but inevitably, if I drop one, they all come tumbling down and they take such a huge effort to get them all back in the air.

I stopped to pray about this one day. I was challenged to consider that I may be doing to much, but I couldn't figure out what I could or ought to let go. It isn't like I can just not do the dishes or stop analyzing things or quit being a mom, but my juggling isn't working. As I prayed, I thought of the Apprentice Juggler in David and Karen Maines' Tales of the Kingdom.

The Apprentice Juggle wanted more than anything to be part of the Juggling Troupe that performed for the King at the Great Celebration. But whenever he worked with the troupe, he had to work really hard to keep the count, so he didn't mess up. When he did mess up, he credited it to his status as an apprentice - the fact that he wasn't very good yet. One night he had a solo for the Great Celebration. As he warmed up, a beggar came and whispered to him, "Listen to your own count." Then the beggar became real (you'll have to read the story to get that bit) and was really the King. The King had told him to listen to his own count, so he took the risk and for his solo, he listened to his own count. It was the rhythm of a clown. When he finished, the Juggling Master said, "Why didn't you tell me your count was different." The Apprentice Juggler answered, "Because I was afraid I would lose my place in the troupe." The Juggling Master said, "Lose your place!? No, it will help you find your place."

For so long, I have been trying to limit the number of balls in the air, but I am at the point where I don't know what else to let go. So perhaps the issue is my rhythm. I have been trying to fill other peoples' expectations of me - or what I think they want me to be - rather than listening to the count that the King has put inside me.

But I am afraid of that inner count because I fear that it is self-centered and will mess up the people I am working with. I doubt that if I don't meet other peoples' expectations, I don't have a place in God's Kingdom. I interpret any mistake around me to be a problem with me, because I know that I have so many flaws. There are so many opportunities for failure and the more real I am being, any slip up could point out that the failure is me.

This reminds me of another Tales of the Resistance story. Hero presents all the reasons he is unsuitable for the position offered him, and all his fears about being unfit. To each, the response comes back, "No just cause."

I don't have to be good at this yet; I am forever an apprentice juggler.

The week of Lasts

Last week was Malcolm's last day of Kindergarten and the Kindergarten Graduation.

Thursday we finished Eamon's project (due Friday) so Thursday was his last day of school.

Saturday, I planned/helped plan a huge drop off/pick up event for students to return textbooks and Chromebooks and pick up anything they had left at school. We also had the teachers cheer and wish everyone a happy summer. It was the day we celebrated the last day of school with a meal from BK.

Today was meetings, but I have more so it wasn't quite the last day of meetings yet. However, I did schedule our last Town Hall with the high school student for Friday.

In one of the meetings today, Dad asked us to reflect on the year and how God showed his presence to us, then share how we saw God at work in our students. It was good to stop and think, even if it doesn't feel like the end of the year for me yet.

I shared that throughout the year, I would get to a point where I thought, I can't do anything more. I can't take this anymore. I am stretched to my limit. And then one more thing would happen. In those moments of desperation, God reminded me, No, I can't do it, but He can. His power is made perfect in my weakness, and He sure had a lot to work with. I know I messed up plenty, but if I did anything good this year, it was because God guided me.

And like all good endings, new beginnings flow out of them. But the Word of the Lord remains forever.