Saving Mr. Banks

I finally watched Saving Mr. Banks. I enjoyed it and found it very insightful without being heavy handed. Again I was delighted by Emma Thompson's acting. And inspired to reread Mary Poppins.

What was the movie about? The movie begs the question who was she really trying to save and what was she trying to save he/she from. Was she trying to save her character's reputation? Was she trying to save herself from mundane living? Was she trying to save her father from loosing his job, from dying, from his own alcoholism? Or perhaps it is all of the above. Her journey seemed to take her through all these, and we see her deal with the grief that she has carried through her entire life. The grief that she cannot, nor can anyone, make a life that is always happily ever after.

Her response to this grief is to control everyone and everything in her life, even so far as to create a story life where she can control everything. She will not let anyone close to her, but instead prefers to control their interactions with her. She seems to fear vulnerability and when people try to interact with her as an equal, she almost seems to delight in making them feel inferior.

It sounded like someone else I knew. Not that she was quite so extreme in her control, but someone who felt out of control so she held onto everything she could control harder. Someone who made up stories for herself, so that she could be the one who fixed everything. Someone who found a certain delight in making others feel inferior. She sounded a lot like me.

My control freakishness doesn't come out in the same way, but it is there and I struggle with it often. I don't like to be vulnerable and I often slip into feeling when things go wrong, I am at fault. Praise God, I don't do it as often as I used to. He is showing more and more of his love and acceptance of me, so I don't have to feel like I need to be in control so much, but I saw so much of my journey from being super controlling to being less controlling in P L Traver's journey.

But she let go of her story. She let Mr Disney "make a mess of it." She was tired of fighting. I can relate to that to. I know the struggle to let other people make a mess of my carefully thought through plans. I know the fear that if I don't control everything, everything will turn out poorly, and the sense of responsibility for the outcome of my world. But I also know the relief that comes with letting it all go. The acceptance that I did my part, but I am not, nor do I need to be, in control any longer.

So like Mrs. Travers, I am learning that it is better to love and be in relationships than to ensure a perfect world by controlling everyone and everything.