Love covers Bad Moods

The other day I was in a bad mood. The type of mood where everyone is wrong, life is rotten, I can't cope and I don't want to anyway, type of mood. Probably depression of some variety. And like my usual over-analytical self, I tried to figure out the reason, thinking that if I knew the reason, then maybe I could deal with the cause and therefore solve the problem.

The first reason for my bad mood was sleep deprivation. It didn't take me long to realize that I hadn't really been sleeping the last three hours of the night. And the day before was crazy busy. And Eamon was fussy and just wanting to be cuddled which hinders good naps.

The other reasons were a bit more difficult. I wanted to blame Eamon or Thomas or somebody for letting me down, not telling me how wonderful I am, not being there to pick my moaning self off the floor. But then I realized that Lots of people had recently told me how valuable I was to them. The cast and crew of Everyman gave me a bouquet to thank me for my work, Thomas had been really sweet in taking care of Eamon. And Eamon wanted me all the time. It wasn't that I wasn't approved of or loved.

I just didn't believe it.

I didn't believe it because I didn't feel worthy of that love. I only came in at the end of the play, and really didn't do that much to help, at least compared to what I usually do with plays. My house was a wreck and I hadn't paid much attention to Thomas recently, so I didn't deserve him to love me. And I was mad at Eamon for being so clinging and fussy, so why would he love me?

So I wanted to deserve the love that I was given.

As soon as I realized that, I knew my problem. Love isn't given because it is deserved or earned. Love is a gift. If it ceases to be a gift, it ceases to be love. I had forgotten that because I didn't want love, I wanted worship. And I wanted to be worthy of that adulation, good enough to demand praise simply by existing. But I was incredibly lacking. I wanted to feel worthy of that praise because of something I had done. So even though I received praise, I didn't feel worthy, so the praise and love meant nothing to me.

So then I knew why I was in a bad mood, and the only way to break out of it was to accept that I was not worthy of love, but loved deeply anyway. You see how twisted around my brain was? I felt unworthy of love, but I wanted to be worthy, so the solution was to accept the love without feeling worthy. In fact, it was to admit what I felt to be true, so that I could accept what I knew to be true. It was so hard! I clung to wanting to be loved for something I did for so long.

Finally I gave in. I prayed that God would forgive me for trying to earn love, both His and my husband's, and my friends'. I admitted that I was a nasty person and didn't deserve the love of anybody, let alone His. Then I prayed that He would help me accept the love given to me and not try to earn it any more.

Then something happened: I fell asleep. When I woke up, the world was a brighter place. And I felt loved. Both problems had been solved. Bad mood defeated. God's love accepted. Love reignited.