The Mommy Game

This is written satirically in honor of the birth of a daughter to one of my friends. I sometimes find myself thinking in these ways, but I have several good friends who remind me, “Never Compare!”

Dear Friend,

Welcome to the Mommy Game. While it can be fun to watch and mock from the outside, it can be a cutthroat battle on the inside. It is based on a point system which determine your Mommy Ranking. Good Mommys get to feel good about themselves and be sure that their kids will turn out wonderfully, while Bad Mommys worry and fret knowing that the failure of their children is all their fault.

Points and categories are determined by your region and friends, but here are some examples.

• If your child sleeps through the night at 3 weeks you get 10 points. If it takes until 6 months, then you get 5. If they begin sleeping though the night by a year, you get three points, but if it takes longer than that, you don’t get any.
• If you nurse your child for 6 months, you get 3 points. If you nurse your child for a year you get 5 points. But if you nurse longer than 15 months or less than 6 months, you don’t get any.
• If you nurse in public with a cover, you get an extra point every time you do it. If you nurse uncovered you get 3 points for bravery, but if your child kicks off your cover, you don’t get any points.
• If you bottle feed and not care, but smile at the snide remarks sent your way, you can have a point.
• If your change your child’s diaper as soon as it is wet or poopy, then you get “New Mommy points” which let mothers of multiples metaphorically pat you on the head and talk about when they only had one. If you change the child’s diaper within 15 minutes, then you get 2 points. If you get your husband to change the diaper, you get 5 points. And if you get the child’s older sibling to change the diaper, especially if that sibling is under 6 and does it well, you get 7 points, because 7 is the perfect number.
• If you get to church on time, you get 2 points. If you get to church on time with the kids dressed nicely, you get 5 points. If your kids are dressed nicely but you are late, you get a point. But if you or your kids look like you have been through a whirlwind, you don’t get any points.
• In church, if your baby fusses slightly or talks a little, you get 2 points for cuteness. If they scream, you don’t get any. If a child older than a year makes any noise in church, you don’t get any points. But if they participate in singing or prayers, you get 5 points.
• You get a point for each child. Two points, if they make a profession of faith. Unless you have more than 4 children. Then you start getting a negative point per child, unless they profess faith. Then you can have a point for them.
• If you lose your baby weight in the first 3 months, you get 5 points. If you lose it in 6, you get 7. If it takes a year, you get asked if you are thinking about having another child, and if you answer yes, then you get a point. If you get pregnant again, before losing baby weight, you also get a point. If it takes longer than a year, but you do lose weight, you get 5 points. If you never lose the baby weight, you don’t get any points.
• If you eat organic, gluten-free or whole grains, or using some diet plan, you get 3 points per meal. If you make the meal from scratch, you get 2 points. If you eat a home using canned or processed food, you can have half a point, but if you eat out, especially at a fast food restaurant, then you get negative points based on the health rating of the meal.
• If your child eats the same food you eat from the time they starts solids you get 5 points. If they eat homemade baby food until they have enough teeth to eat table food, you get 4 points. If they eat store bought baby food, but transition smoothly to table food, you get 3 points. If they don’t transition easily, but they eat table food by the end of the first year, you get 2 points. If they don’t eat table food, but whatever you offer them, you get 1 point. If they are picky eaters and don’t eat anything you offer them, you don’t get any points.
• If other mothers ask for your advice, you get a point. If you tell them what you did and it works for them, you get two points and a Mommy friend, with whom you can talk all sorts of Mommy comparisons. If it doesn’t work, and you support the other Mommy in whatever choices she makes, you have a real friend, with whom you can talk about anything, but it doesn’t help your Mommy rating.
• Add your own categories and points based on your region and the parenting philosophy is most common among your circle of acquaintances and friends. It is sometimes helpful to include what parenting books advise.

Now the tricky thing about this game is no matter what you do, if someone criticizes you or your choices, you loose a point. If you feel uncertain about the choices you make, you loose a point. If you do things differently from your acquaintances, you loose a point. If you feel judged, inadequate, or like you are messing up your kids, you loose a point.

You should daily figure out your points, and every one else's points. Then based on how you compare, you can feel like a Good Mommy or a Bad Mommy. If you are a Good Mommy, based on this scale, then you can expect your child to be happy, healthy, productive, and fulfilled. However, if you are a Bad Mommy, you can be sure that your child will be on drugs, in an alternate lifestyle, or in jail by the time they are 18.

Good Luck!

Rosalind

P.S. Call anytime with questions. I need to improve my Mommy Ranking.