"My, you have you hands full."
I have enough friends with large families, and read enough blogs to know that this is not what you ought to say to a mother with many children. However, I have often wondered why it is so offensive. So like a good blogger, I am asking via my blog, why?
Is this offensive because it is often said with a condemning tone of voice? Is it because it kills conversation and there are not very many good responses? Is it because of the implication that you do things differently and have different priorities? Perhaps the implication that you don't know about birt control or not understanding the desire for lots of kids?
Could someone explain this to me? If your explanation is too long for a comment, could you blog about it and post the link in the comments?
I really am wondering, but if it is one of those things where you just have to experience it to understand, I will try to accept that answer too.
I only have 4, but I do get that comment. It generally doesn't bother me because it's true. :)
ReplyDeleteI started getting that comment when I only had 1 baby. Once I got up to about 5 or 6 kids, I found I become "unapproachable", and no one talked to me anymore. :) (Lots of looking though!) This comment never bothered me, but I do hear the same words over and over again, from nearly anyone who talks to me when I'm out with my kids. I, however, have encountered the same thing in business... some things (like lots of kids) generate the same comment ("You have your hands full!") no matter where the comment comes from.
ReplyDeleteIf it's in a negative light, it's hard to hear. It usually comes across like I'm crazy or clueless. If someone feels the need to say that when I'm struggling with one of them, it's frustrating. Yes, they are full, but pointing that out isn't at all an encouragement. I do think, though, the biggest thing is not knowing how to respond. I love being a momma to six. I'd love more. So when someone tells me my hands are full, and I have yet to find something more fulfilling to fill them with, what are you supposed to say to that?!
ReplyDeleteIt depends entirely on the sentiment. Some people say it with a smile on their face, in a "I remember when we were in that stage," kind of way. Often, the comment is given when it's obvious that the mom is having a bit of a rough time with getting them all through the store. That's fine, although it would be far better to say something encouraging such as, "Press on! They're worth every ounce of energy you put into them!" I've never really been bothered by the "Your hands are full," comment, although I have dealt with others that have been downright rude. As I walked out of the pediatrician's office, carrying newborn #4, with the first three following quietly behind, a woman raised her eyebrows and said, "Are you going to have MORE?" Another time, a man in line with me at the grocery store felt the need to inquire about our ability to provide an education for all of them. I wanted to reply with some snarky comment along the lines of, "Well, most of them are girls, and we'd rather just keep them ignorant." I chose, instead, to tell him that we were trusting God for all our needs. Another time, I was seated in the airport, without my husband, but with four very obedient and helpful children (pregnant with number five), when a woman walked by and said, "Oh, you poor woman!" I didn't let that one go. I stopped her and let her know that my children were a blessing and I was thankful for each one of them.
ReplyDeleteAll of that to say this, we live in a world where devoting your life to the difficult, self-sacrificing work of raising children is scoffed at. When we receive comments that are obviously critical, or that we perceive to be critical, it is a wonderful opportunity for us to graciously challenge the way people think about children.
To be honest, until reading your blog I did not know that people ever got offended by that comment. I always thought of it as a statement of the obvious, and sometimes it even comes across somewhat admiringly. My response is always a grin and "Yup! But I love it" or some comment about how fun and full life is.
ReplyDeleteThe comments I DO mind hearing are along the lines of, "Enjoy them now, because it only gets worse from here..." Or "They're cute now,....but they're a pain when they become teenagers..." I think the reasons those comments are hard to hear are obvious.