Answers from Mothers

"My, your hands are full."

First I would like to thank all those who responded to my question. I was afraid that even the question would be offensive, but I was also very curious. I found your response very helpful. They have made me consider my attitude toward parenting as well as toward people responding to my parenting. This has led me to think a lot about grace. And although, I haven't had to deal with that comment specifically, I have had to deal with criticism and patronization.

Because it is not so much the words, but the sentiment behind the words that cause offense, I can completely relate to the experience. No one likes to have their choices or children or parenting criticized, especially by complete strangers who don't know or understand your full story. Criticism, sometimes masked by glib statements and unmasked by appalled glances/stares, is uncharitable. It is easy to be critical or cynical right back at them, but that response is equally uncharitable.

I also think it is interesting that although criticism is obviously hard to take, patronization is equally offensive. Patronization isn't quite the same as criticism; it often takes the form of sympathy, but where the listener is left feeling like the scum of the earth. It takes a lot of wisdom and grace to not respond in kind or to be offended, but rather live freely and confidently and charitably. It is much easier to tell them how it really is and they ought to be ashamed of thinking in any other way (which is patronizing them right back).

I wonder if we viewed people critical of our choices, whether they are our procreation choices or our lifestyle choices or parenting, with the same grace we wish to encounter, would that change what we get offended by? And would it change our response? If I see everyone as having their hands full (because of choices they have made and situations they have encountered), then can comments about my life can be a way of expressing grace to them? I don't have to correct them or be condemned by them, but can be as self-sacrificing to them as I am to my children.

I also wonder if rather than criticism of children, some of the negative comments about children and teenagers are more a reaction to carrying the joy of the Lord with us. Because we are content with our situations, people feel the need to "balance us out with a dose of reality." This often will feel like criticism or negative statements, but could just be not knowing how to deal with a content person.

I don't know; these are just wonderings and musings. But because of these wonderings, I think I will begin to pray that God will give me grace, wisdom, charity, and a sense of humor every time I enter a public place.