Reflections From 10 Years Ago

I wrote this ten years ago on thus date. We had just finished the play, but I had no idea how that play would change the rest of my life. What do you remember?


An empty stage. A still theater. As I stand here for the last time as Rosalind, the room echoes with the voices of the past. I listen. The earliest voices, those stammering over lines, the embarrassed laughing at the trip-ups, tired voices of the directors, “no, not like that…” Then the directors encouragement to just be patient and keep doing your best. The stress, the drain of it all.

I close my eyes, and I see the dorm room, Marianne and Casey urging me to come out to the lounge, then Abigail telling me to sit down. The shocking news [our current Orlando leaving the cast], and being utterly floored. Reading with other guys. Then Thomas. The overwhelming feeling of it all working out. Holding on to how it was before, yet longing for it to change. Crying to Suzanne, “It was so strange, he was so perfect. I never felt like it clicked before, but with him it did. But I don’t want him to be Orlando.”

Now I open my eyes again and remember working with the new Orlando, being impressed with how well he did. All that I dreamed of theater being was now coming together. The voices fly together, lines being repeated over and over and over. Coming back to a darkened room realizing that I still had school work to do.

Then the rush of the final two weeks, costumes, make-up, intense rehearsal, as if we all knew what this meant for the school, for our lives. Wednesday at supper, when I heard about Brooks. Another shock, being completely floored [Brooks was diagnosed with mono and would probably not perform the next night]. The fear, anger, hopelessness of not know what would happen now. Asking Thomas, “what will we do now?” and his response of “I don’t know.” Then sitting with Marianne at supper and her courage and willingness to go on. Then Casey’s discouragement turning into excitement as we realized how God had worked so far, and know that he would continue to work. Prayer that evening, prayer for Brooks, prayer for Tim, prayer for us, but mostly the commitment of it all to God, the complete surrender of the play and all we had done was now in God’s hands for him to make beautiful.

Thursday, not having to think about classes at all. Going to Bible, but then focusing on the play. Having lunch, desiring to be alone just a little, but then ready to go when Thomas came and we talked. I kind of felt like I was interrogating him, but he seemed willing to talk. Finding out where he was coming from and the beginning of a friendship. Practice with Tim [who was going to fill in Brooks place if needed], and cleaning Town Hall. Going to supper with Thomas and being called “the happy couple.”

Then opening night. Seeing Brooks sit there behind stage, sick yet willing to go ahead with it. Standing in the wings, waiting for Dr. Farris to take his seat. Nearly shaking with excitement and nervousness, but then the utter calm once I got on stage. The confidence of rehearsal returning and the excitement of the crowd overwhelming us. Too soon it was over. I came out for curtain call and could see every one. I took Thomas hand and bowed, then my curtsy and when I stood up, I saw Dr. Farris and Dr. Bonicelli smiling and clapping, looking so happy and so proud of us all. Then getting the flowers. They were beautiful. Wanting to cry and take the moment in forever. Wanting to thank everybody for everything. Thinking, “this is what theater is about.” Being too excited to go to sleep so talking with Darcy, Corey, and Thomas until midnight. Then realizing that for the past 11 and a half hours I had only been out of the presence of Thomas for about 2 20 min intervals, but pushing the thought out of my mind before I could think too much about it.

Then the next night. Waiting for my family and them not being there until I was about to go on. Being tired and feeling ill, but then feeling the excitement of the audience and the rest of the cast feeding us energy and letting us fly. Seeing Daddy and Mommy, Katie and Keith, Bethany and Jana all loving it. Just beginning to realize our potential for the next night. Pictures that night, feeling Thomas draw back from me, and hoping it was my imagination or that it wouldn’t last. The tiredness and drain of everything happening at once and wanting to cry and sleep both at the same time.

Closing night, the sadness that it soon would be over, yet the determination to make this the best night yet. Corey’s beard…Paul’s apple story…forgetting lines…Stephen forgetting lines…the audience laughing lots…the extreme fun of the whole performance, closed by Thomas spinning around with me in his arms.

Then realizing it was over. Striking the set, taking everything in, helping a bit, but mostly just watching. Then Cooper’s bob-tism and everybody laughing and happy, but the lingering melancholy of closing night.

Now I sit on the empty stage, listening to the silence remember it all, taking it all in longing for these memories to become real again, but knowing that it is time to move on. I take one last look around the room, trying to take it all in and seal it there. Now I get up and walk to the door, picking up my backpack. I stand at the door, hesitating to leave, but knowing it is time to move on. Wanting to stay in this moment, but looking forward to what may happen yet.

Now I am ready to leave all that has happened behind and face the adventures yet to come. So I open the door, walk out, and enter universal theater to play my part as best I can and for the glory of God, but hastening on to the time I may exit and leave it all behind.