When I attended Global Leadership Summit the first time, I was heavily involved with my school and my church. I was a young mom who thought I could anything, but felt that I was failing at everything. The GLS gave me a chance for personal and professional development, as well as a break from my normal life. I knew I was a leader and I wanted to get better. And I did.
However, I became more and more convicted to step down or out of every recognized leadership role. I stopped being Sunday School Superintendent, Sunday School teacher, Board Member, drama director, and teacher. When I finally had no more roles besides wife and mother, God asked me to wait. So I did.
In the waiting, I got antsy. I wanted to do something big or important or world changing. I knew I was created for something, and I wanted to find that something and get working on it. I went back to being involved with school, but it was really stressful and in hindsite, I wasn't on the same page. Covid, not the GLS, reminded me that I wasn't called to be involved in everythings. So I left, again. All I was left with was dishes, laundry, menus/shopping lists, and homeschooling. And the idea that maybe I shouldn't do anything without my husband. Not bring him along to what I wanted to do, but stay with what he thought was important. So I did.
At this point, I felt that I had nothing left to give up. I had given up my plans, my roles, my dreams, my fulfillment, my enjoyment, everything I thought I valued. But in that silence, I realized that I was happy. I wasn't trying to fulfill other people expectations or become someone who would be a valuable member of the community. I was just me, and I was loved by God. And my family. And my friends. And my church. and even my little community. Not for what I do, but for who I am.
There is so much freedom in my life now. I am not saying I live like this everyday, or that I have reached my accomplishments. I have a messy house and a messy thought process. I spend so much of my time trying to bring order to those unruly aspects and I sometimes feel that I will never succeed. I wonder if I will ever be orderly enough, or patient enough, or kind enough... to be useful to God. But if there is any progress, it is in the part that I am quicker to believe that I am actually loved, just the way I am. That daily life has to begin with love, and end in love, and is only accomplish through love. And love is freedom.
In service which Thy will appoints
There are no bonds for me;
My secret heart is taught the truth
That makes thy children free;
A life of self-renouncing love
Is one of liberty.
~Anna L. Waring
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