The End of the School Year

Friday was the last day of school. We had a Willy Wonka party. Eamon was in NYC. Our car was in the garage...again. Saturday we got ready for a pizza party on Sunday. Sunday was the pizza party. Monday was inservice. So today is the first official day of summer vacation.

It has been a difficult few days. As soon as I left school the regrets of things I wanted to do and didn't, or shouldn't have said but did, or dreams left unfinished began crowding into my mind. As I dealt with each one, a new one started. We were supposed to celebrate how far we came this past year at inservice, but it felt like celebrating someone's life at a funeral. We talked a lot about where we were last year, and where we are now, and we praised God for his provision along the way.

 I've tried to remember the good: I taught every student in the school, except for one who came late. I loved them all. I enjoyed each one of them. I rewrote and directed another play. Kids who didn't think they could act learned that they could. Kids who can act got to experience a different sort of play than we have done for a while. I worked with amazing teachers. They said I helped them, but I learned so much from them, that I'm not sure what I'm good at anymore.

Every good moment had a flipside. Each teacher was overworked. Because of that, we did the bare minimum. That leaves a really bad taste in my mouth because, I don't like just slipping by. I want to do things well; and there wasn't enough time and capacity to do it well. I did my best in the moment, but it wasn't great, and I could have done better. I think that is what is eating me up. I know how to teach, but the way I taught wasn't reflective of what I know. I know it was okay. I know the students knew I loved them and I wanted the best for them, but did I do all I could have done? Did I do enough?

And how do I look and work toward next year so I don't fall into the same mundane, same struggles, same routines? How do I hold kids accountable to do their very best? What consequences can I institute that will help students self-assess and mend their ways? How can I help them be better?

I guess this is the struggle of following Jesus. It is a constant pressing on for the joy set before us, a constant dying to self, a constant submitting my plans to his kind and loving will. Not that I have obtained this, but I press on to take of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.