February has been a hard month. There have been moments of brilliance and beauty and fun, and I have tried to share them. But there has been a lot of tension, analysis, conviction, and busyness. What I feel, what I know, what I think, and what I have to do are always coming in conflict with each other.
Every day goes by so quickly, and yet every day feels like I didn't do anything profitable. But I can make a list of what I have done. I journal arguments with myself and for my beliefs, only to realize that my foundational presuppositions were all wrong. So I have tried to re-write only to find that now I don't know what I believe.
I painted the other day. Then I did some origami. I did some more last night. I think those will be my hobbies. You know, those things that you never will be amazing at, but bring you pleasure and contentment while doing.
Thomas played the piano while I prepared dinner. I realized that something amazing happens when I listen to live music. My over analytical brain shuts off just for a little while, and I can relax. Just listening to recorded music doesn't work. It has to be live music; I experimented. It was nice to sing along with music, and pleasant to just listen to others, and it was good to make music, but none of those things made my brain turn off. There must be something profound to be said about that and the way the brain works, but I haven't discovered what it is yet.
Tonight I am going to bake a cake. I will post pictures of it because I hope it looks amazing. That is the plan at least.
Next year I am giving up February for Lent... It will make Easter come faster. I need some resurrection joy.
I'll give up February with you. maybe January too, haha. I recently took up painting (never had any sort of artistic talent) too - it "turns my brain off" and forces me to just relax and de-stress, so I enjoy it. <3
ReplyDeleteyay for painting.
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