October

I am glad October is over. All month long there was a heaviness over me. I would catch breaths of life and freedom, but mostly lived in gloom and darkness. In thinking back, I don't know what caused the heaviness, or caused it to go away. Could it be that I was not reading God's Word or praying enough? Was it that I preferred telling myself stories of perfect children and exciting changes rather than living in the story God has placed me in? Was it that I felt the darkness surrounding the celebration of Halloween? Was I depressed that I couldn't fix the problems I saw, and didn't know how to face them? Did I just not get enough sleep, or was I fighting sickness? Was my schedule messed up, or did my diet aggravate my mental disturbance? Was it worry? fear? frustration? depression? over-commitment? procrastination? Did I just need to have a good cry?

Not that it wasn't a good month at all. We had fun visitors and visits. We started helping with the music at the church. We watched good movies. I made a new friend and walked regularly. The smell of the air was refreshing and the leaves were beautiful. Several of my students who were struggling made huge progress in the areas of behavior and academics. I read quite a bit of Tolkien and figured out what play we are doing. There were even many times when I thought, "This is what it means to be alive" as I stepped out of the door.

Whatever it was, I am glad it is over. As far as I can tell, nothing has changed. We did go see a play, which was refreshing. We washed the dishes and got a new faucet. We also got to hear an amazing pianist after a yummy banquet, which I didn't have to cook or clean up after. Did all those things change my point of view? Did I need the cold to wake me out of depression? Did time heal the wounds that bummed me at the beginning of the month?

Or was it simply the Holy Spirit reminding me how much I have to be thankful for? That was the consequence, whether or not it was the reason. God is good and He is in control and He does know and care about what I feel, think, and do. I have a wonderful husband who encourages me when I am bummed and holds me when I cry and makes me laugh when I need stress relief. I have great friends who pray and listen and talk to me. I have a good job, even though it wears me out. I am healthy this year and haven't come down with colds nearly as bad as my students (yet). We have food every night, morning, and noon. I generally like my wardrobe (which is rather large), though I am looking for some new long sleeved shirts and maybe a few skirts. There are so many more things: music, poetry, laughter, church, promise of heaven, creativity, etc.

It is time to get ready for Thanksgiving! I can hardly wait.